Change Happens When Families Decrease In Size
Bible Study
A Faith For All Seasons
A Small Group Bible Study Of Life’s Changes
Object:
Three stories of grief:
Kyle and Melissa were married on a hot, humid August Saturday at Minnetonka Lutheran Church, and I had the privilege of officiating at their wedding. Everybody that they loved, and that I loved, was there, and our celebration was wonderful! It was also the last time I saw my dad. On Monday evening, I received the call that my dad had died of a heart attack, apparently in his sleep. For many weeks, it felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. As a pastor, I had lots of experience dealing with families and death. As a son, grief was new, and excruciating, and relentless.
• • •
On a cold February day, I jumped into the cab of a U-Haul truck, while Marsha and our two small children followed in the Buick. All of us were weeping. We had lived in this house for five years, enjoyed wonderful neighbors, a loving church, and deep, lasting friendships. Now we were moving to a new community 1,500 miles away, but our hearts were firmly planted in the old. Again, our grief was real, and it lasted for many, many weeks.
• • •
The phone call came late one afternoon: our best friends had separated and filed for divorce. "Gerald" was my best friend in adulthood, "Ginny" was a soul mate to Marsha, and the four of us, and our children, were like family. Vacations, projects, late-night pizza, holidays; we shared it all, and now it had all been undone. The proverbial "who is the least likely couple to separate?" That was Gerald and Ginny. We were so sad ... for them ... for us. And we realized that it changed our relationship with each of them forever.
These are my grief stories, but you have your own. Just recalling them brings back many of the feelings and much of the pain. Someone once defined grief as "the pain of letting go." I think that's right. Eventually, the pain subsides, but it is never really totally erased. Such is the imprint that grief leaves upon us.
Last session was lighthearted, perhaps trite, as we considered the change that happens when our "family" grows larger. Birth, marriage, new neighbors, and friends; it's all joy! But this session is very much the opposite, as we consider the change that is associated with grief and departure. Please be sensitive to one another in this session; share your thoughts and feelings, and even the growth that has come as a result, and know that God is present in your group as you describe the painful change that has come to your lives.
Opening Prayer
God of comfort, you know the grief of letting go. Your own Son died so that we might live, and you watched him go to the cross. Be with us now as we speak of pain and loss, and reveal your healing and tenderness to each of your children. Amen.
For Starters
1. Can you share your earliest memory of a death? It might be a grandparent, or a neighbor; perhaps it was even a pet? What do you remember about that experience? How did it impact you (change you) as a child?
2. On perhaps a lighter note, did anyone "move out" of your house when you were growing up? (A sibling going off to college, or an older sister or brother getting married?) What were the emotions of that experience? Were you glad because there was more space for you, or were you lonely because you missed the one who left?
A Word From Others
I am a better rabbi because of Aaron's death. I am a more empathetic counselor, a wiser pastor, and a more sensitive friend. But I would trade it all away in an instant to have my son back!
-- Rabbi Harold Kushner,
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
"To cleave" means "to stick to like glue." When a couple is married, it is like two pieces of paper being glued back to back. When they divorce, it is impossible to do so without damaging both pieces of paper.
-- Author unknown
If God were good, He would wish to make His creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty, He would be able to do what He wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore, God lacks either goodness, or power, or both. This is the problem with pain.
-- C. S. Lewis
Grief is a natural part of human experience. We face minor grief almost daily in some situation or another. To say a person is deeply religious and therefore does not have to face grief situations is ridiculous. Not only is it totally unrealistic, but it is also incompatible with the whole Christian message.
-- Granger Westberg,
Good Grief
Suffering often brings out the worst in people. When the going gets rough, most of us do not become patient saints. More likely, suffering leads to self-centeredness, crankiness, and anger toward God and other human beings. Sufferers are not very lovable. It's hard to hang in there with a sufferer.
-- Dan Simundson,
Where is God in My Suffering?
Anything that doesn't kill makes me stronger.
-- An Olympic gymnast
Getting Personal
Three more stories of grief. Many years ago, Marsha led a Bible study with a group of high school girls. They were bubbly, curious, fun-loving, energized, moody, bright, and expressive. In short, they were typical teenage girls. But in a matter of a few short months, three of their lives would dramatically change.
One of these joyous teenagers lost her pastor/dad through a heart attack. He survived the first episode, rallied for a month as prayers were prayed and answered, and then one night he died, and her world suddenly crashed. The second teen was also a pastor's daughter. She noticed the conflict between her parents escalate that spring, and by midsummer, dad moved out ... and in ... with a younger woman. Another life crashed. The third teen also experienced a tragedy, and her life also changed dramatically. Her dad, a fixture in the community, was accused of sexually molesting a young boy. There was community uproar at this obviously false accusation. Friendships were tested, rumors rumbled throughout the community, and ultimately, evidence mounted that substantiated the young boy's accusations. The teenage girl watched as her family became unraveled. Three young girls, three totally different circumstances, but the common thread among them was loss and grief.
1. It would be unfair to suggest that any of these girls had an easier time than another, given their context. That being said, do you think any of these girls had a societal "prescribed" way of acting and grieving their situation? (In other words, is there a "normal" way to navigate each of these situations?)
2. How would you have answered each of these girls if they had asked, "Where was God when this was happening in my life?"
Looking At Scripture
Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was the Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. So the sisters sent word to Him, saying, "Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick." But when Jesus heard this, He said, "The sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it." Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when He heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where he was.
Then after this He said to the disciples, "Let us go to Judea again." The disciples said to Him, "Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone You, and are You going there again?" Jesus answered, "Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him." This He said, and after that He said to them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep." The disciples then said to Him, "Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover." Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that He was speaking of literal sleep. So Jesus then said to them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let us go to him." Therefore Thomas, who is called Didymus, said to his fellow disciples, "Let us also go, so that we may die with Him."
So when Jesus came, He found that he had already been in the tomb four days. Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles off; and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary, to console them concerning their brother. Martha therefore, when she heard that Jesus was coming, went to meet Him, but Mary stayed at the house. Martha then said to Jesus, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha said to Him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day." Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?" She said to Him, "Yes, Lord; I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world."
When she had said this, she went away and called Mary her sister, saying secretly, "The Teacher is here and is calling for you." And when she heard it, she got up quickly and was coming to Him. Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha met Him. Then the Jews who were with her in the house, and consoling her, when they saw that Mary got up quickly and went out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to Him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept. So the Jews were saying, "See how He loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind man, have kept this man also from dying?"
So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. Jesus said, "Remove the stone." Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, "Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days." Jesus said to her, "Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?" So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised His eyes and said, "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I know that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me." When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come forth." The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, "Unbind him, and let him go."
-- John 11:1-44 (NASB)
About The Text
It's only two miles from Jerusalem to Bethany, and when Jesus heard the news of his good friend Lazarus, he probably could have been there in a matter of hours. However, by the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus had been dead for four days. (Jewish tradition suggested that after three days, a person was "really dead.") These facts are important in understanding and discussing this story.
1. What were the emotions of Mary and Martha toward Jesus?
2. In spite of their emotions, what evidence of their faith is present in the story?
3. Is it okay to vent anger at God?
4. How would Mary and Martha's lives change in view of Lazarus' death?
5. John 11:35 is the shortest verse in the entire Bible. What does it teach us about Jesus?
6. Is there anything in this story of grief that resembles any "grief story" in your life?
Going A Bit Deeper
This is the fifth lesson; the fifth time you have been together as a small group. I am going to ask you to stretch out of your comfort zones in these next few minutes.
Obviously, it is always acceptable to "pass." But I encourage you to participate as fully as you are able.
1. Can you share one of your grief stories? It might relate to a death, a divorce, a job loss, a disability, a move, or any other transition in your life that has caused pain.
2. How did your life change in light of your grief experience? Can you relate it to Rabbi Kushner's quote from When Bad Things Happen to Good People?
3. Are you in the midst of a grief experience right now? Perhaps it is too fresh to share, but if you dare, your small group members will partner with you on your journey.
4. How are grief and suffering affected by the following resources? (See the story of Job.)
A. Prayer
B. Scripture
C. Worship
D. Friends
E. Meditation
Closing Prayer
God of mercy, in our pain and sadness, when we are most alone, we turn to you. You listen to your children as we pray, you draw near to us and hold us up when there is no hope. Be with each person in this room, reveal yourself to us as we journey through the difficult chapters of our lives, and remind us of your power and grace. Amen.
For Further Reading
Albom, Mitch. Tuesdays with Morrie. New York: Doubleday, 1997.
Bell, Steve and Valerie. Real Survivors. Ann Arbor, Michigan: Vine Books, 2003.
Frost, Gerhard E. The Color of the Night. Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing, 1983.
Kushner, Harold. When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Westminster, Maryland: Random House, 1981.
Lewis, C. S. The Problem of Pain. New York: MacMillan Publishing, 1962.
Simundson, Daniel. Where is God in My Suffering? Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing, 1983.
Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1962.
Kyle and Melissa were married on a hot, humid August Saturday at Minnetonka Lutheran Church, and I had the privilege of officiating at their wedding. Everybody that they loved, and that I loved, was there, and our celebration was wonderful! It was also the last time I saw my dad. On Monday evening, I received the call that my dad had died of a heart attack, apparently in his sleep. For many weeks, it felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. As a pastor, I had lots of experience dealing with families and death. As a son, grief was new, and excruciating, and relentless.
• • •
On a cold February day, I jumped into the cab of a U-Haul truck, while Marsha and our two small children followed in the Buick. All of us were weeping. We had lived in this house for five years, enjoyed wonderful neighbors, a loving church, and deep, lasting friendships. Now we were moving to a new community 1,500 miles away, but our hearts were firmly planted in the old. Again, our grief was real, and it lasted for many, many weeks.
• • •
The phone call came late one afternoon: our best friends had separated and filed for divorce. "Gerald" was my best friend in adulthood, "Ginny" was a soul mate to Marsha, and the four of us, and our children, were like family. Vacations, projects, late-night pizza, holidays; we shared it all, and now it had all been undone. The proverbial "who is the least likely couple to separate?" That was Gerald and Ginny. We were so sad ... for them ... for us. And we realized that it changed our relationship with each of them forever.
These are my grief stories, but you have your own. Just recalling them brings back many of the feelings and much of the pain. Someone once defined grief as "the pain of letting go." I think that's right. Eventually, the pain subsides, but it is never really totally erased. Such is the imprint that grief leaves upon us.
Last session was lighthearted, perhaps trite, as we considered the change that happens when our "family" grows larger. Birth, marriage, new neighbors, and friends; it's all joy! But this session is very much the opposite, as we consider the change that is associated with grief and departure. Please be sensitive to one another in this session; share your thoughts and feelings, and even the growth that has come as a result, and know that God is present in your group as you describe the painful change that has come to your lives.
Opening Prayer
God of comfort, you know the grief of letting go. Your own Son died so that we might live, and you watched him go to the cross. Be with us now as we speak of pain and loss, and reveal your healing and tenderness to each of your children. Amen.
For Starters
1. Can you share your earliest memory of a death? It might be a grandparent, or a neighbor; perhaps it was even a pet? What do you remember about that experience? How did it impact you (change you) as a child?
2. On perhaps a lighter note, did anyone "move out" of your house when you were growing up? (A sibling going off to college, or an older sister or brother getting married?) What were the emotions of that experience? Were you glad because there was more space for you, or were you lonely because you missed the one who left?
A Word From Others
I am a better rabbi because of Aaron's death. I am a more empathetic counselor, a wiser pastor, and a more sensitive friend. But I would trade it all away in an instant to have my son back!
-- Rabbi Harold Kushner,
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
"To cleave" means "to stick to like glue." When a couple is married, it is like two pieces of paper being glued back to back. When they divorce, it is impossible to do so without damaging both pieces of paper.
-- Author unknown
If God were good, He would wish to make His creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty, He would be able to do what He wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore, God lacks either goodness, or power, or both. This is the problem with pain.
-- C. S. Lewis
Grief is a natural part of human experience. We face minor grief almost daily in some situation or another. To say a person is deeply religious and therefore does not have to face grief situations is ridiculous. Not only is it totally unrealistic, but it is also incompatible with the whole Christian message.
-- Granger Westberg,
Good Grief
Suffering often brings out the worst in people. When the going gets rough, most of us do not become patient saints. More likely, suffering leads to self-centeredness, crankiness, and anger toward God and other human beings. Sufferers are not very lovable. It's hard to hang in there with a sufferer.
-- Dan Simundson,
Where is God in My Suffering?
Anything that doesn't kill makes me stronger.
-- An Olympic gymnast
Getting Personal
Three more stories of grief. Many years ago, Marsha led a Bible study with a group of high school girls. They were bubbly, curious, fun-loving, energized, moody, bright, and expressive. In short, they were typical teenage girls. But in a matter of a few short months, three of their lives would dramatically change.
One of these joyous teenagers lost her pastor/dad through a heart attack. He survived the first episode, rallied for a month as prayers were prayed and answered, and then one night he died, and her world suddenly crashed. The second teen was also a pastor's daughter. She noticed the conflict between her parents escalate that spring, and by midsummer, dad moved out ... and in ... with a younger woman. Another life crashed. The third teen also experienced a tragedy, and her life also changed dramatically. Her dad, a fixture in the community, was accused of sexually molesting a young boy. There was community uproar at this obviously false accusation. Friendships were tested, rumors rumbled throughout the community, and ultimately, evidence mounted that substantiated the young boy's accusations. The teenage girl watched as her family became unraveled. Three young girls, three totally different circumstances, but the common thread among them was loss and grief.
1. It would be unfair to suggest that any of these girls had an easier time than another, given their context. That being said, do you think any of these girls had a societal "prescribed" way of acting and grieving their situation? (In other words, is there a "normal" way to navigate each of these situations?)
2. How would you have answered each of these girls if they had asked, "Where was God when this was happening in my life?"
Looking At Scripture
Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was the Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. So the sisters sent word to Him, saying, "Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick." But when Jesus heard this, He said, "The sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it." Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when He heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where he was.
Then after this He said to the disciples, "Let us go to Judea again." The disciples said to Him, "Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone You, and are You going there again?" Jesus answered, "Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him." This He said, and after that He said to them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep." The disciples then said to Him, "Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover." Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that He was speaking of literal sleep. So Jesus then said to them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let us go to him." Therefore Thomas, who is called Didymus, said to his fellow disciples, "Let us also go, so that we may die with Him."
So when Jesus came, He found that he had already been in the tomb four days. Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles off; and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary, to console them concerning their brother. Martha therefore, when she heard that Jesus was coming, went to meet Him, but Mary stayed at the house. Martha then said to Jesus, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha said to Him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day." Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?" She said to Him, "Yes, Lord; I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world."
When she had said this, she went away and called Mary her sister, saying secretly, "The Teacher is here and is calling for you." And when she heard it, she got up quickly and was coming to Him. Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha met Him. Then the Jews who were with her in the house, and consoling her, when they saw that Mary got up quickly and went out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to Him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept. So the Jews were saying, "See how He loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind man, have kept this man also from dying?"
So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. Jesus said, "Remove the stone." Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, "Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days." Jesus said to her, "Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?" So they removed the stone. Then Jesus raised His eyes and said, "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I know that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me." When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come forth." The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth. Jesus said to them, "Unbind him, and let him go."
-- John 11:1-44 (NASB)
About The Text
It's only two miles from Jerusalem to Bethany, and when Jesus heard the news of his good friend Lazarus, he probably could have been there in a matter of hours. However, by the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus had been dead for four days. (Jewish tradition suggested that after three days, a person was "really dead.") These facts are important in understanding and discussing this story.
1. What were the emotions of Mary and Martha toward Jesus?
2. In spite of their emotions, what evidence of their faith is present in the story?
3. Is it okay to vent anger at God?
4. How would Mary and Martha's lives change in view of Lazarus' death?
5. John 11:35 is the shortest verse in the entire Bible. What does it teach us about Jesus?
6. Is there anything in this story of grief that resembles any "grief story" in your life?
Going A Bit Deeper
This is the fifth lesson; the fifth time you have been together as a small group. I am going to ask you to stretch out of your comfort zones in these next few minutes.
Obviously, it is always acceptable to "pass." But I encourage you to participate as fully as you are able.
1. Can you share one of your grief stories? It might relate to a death, a divorce, a job loss, a disability, a move, or any other transition in your life that has caused pain.
2. How did your life change in light of your grief experience? Can you relate it to Rabbi Kushner's quote from When Bad Things Happen to Good People?
3. Are you in the midst of a grief experience right now? Perhaps it is too fresh to share, but if you dare, your small group members will partner with you on your journey.
4. How are grief and suffering affected by the following resources? (See the story of Job.)
A. Prayer
B. Scripture
C. Worship
D. Friends
E. Meditation
Closing Prayer
God of mercy, in our pain and sadness, when we are most alone, we turn to you. You listen to your children as we pray, you draw near to us and hold us up when there is no hope. Be with each person in this room, reveal yourself to us as we journey through the difficult chapters of our lives, and remind us of your power and grace. Amen.
For Further Reading
Albom, Mitch. Tuesdays with Morrie. New York: Doubleday, 1997.
Bell, Steve and Valerie. Real Survivors. Ann Arbor, Michigan: Vine Books, 2003.
Frost, Gerhard E. The Color of the Night. Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing, 1983.
Kushner, Harold. When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Westminster, Maryland: Random House, 1981.
Lewis, C. S. The Problem of Pain. New York: MacMillan Publishing, 1962.
Simundson, Daniel. Where is God in My Suffering? Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing, 1983.
Westberg, Granger E. Good Grief. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1962.
