A Choice To Make
Stories
Shining Moments
Visions Of The Holy In Ordinary Lives
Susan Monnarjahn
It was only after a long tumble into the abyss of selfishness and self-involvement that I awoke to God's embrace of grace. If you have never reached the level of self-disgust that comes before a major rehaul of your life, you'll probably never comprehend the soul-shattering depths called "bottoming out." If you have been through it, then you are truly one of the blessed walking this earth.
The morning I had my vision happened after a long night that began with many fancy cocktails at a trendy dance club in Waikiki. It started, as many nights of drinking did for me at that time, full of glamour, high hopes of the men that might find me desirable, and the thrill of excitement. I made it home in one piece after a night of dancing and continued the drinking with a bottle of wine. In the beginning of a blackout, I decided that partying at a friend's house seemed like a good idea and didn't have any problem hitting the Hawaiian highways.
It wasn't the first time I had gotten behind the wheel in an alcoholic blackout. The police report said my vehicle had careened from one side of the three-lane highway to the other, until it finally collided with a barricade and came to rest on the grass. I came out of the accident with a badly bruised arm and an even worse attitude. After being booked with DWI, fingerprinted, photographed, and thrown in a cell, the fog started to lift a little. Sitting behind bars, humiliated, it dawned on me that I could be sitting here knowing that I had hurt or even killed another human being -- maybe even someone's innocent child.
It was the first time I had thought of someone, other than myself, in relation to my alcohol use. That alone is miraculous.
My night of shame and degradation continued as I was hauled before a judge, dismissed, and thrown out the door in the bright, fresh, sunlit Honolulu morning. I politely asked the police officer at the door for change to make a phone call, and the look he threw my way shocked me. He didn't see anything but another pitiful drunk.
It was a busy Saturday morning downtown, with Japanese tourist groups adding to the regular local traffic. In my fog, I had thought I was on the other side of the island. Luck was finally on my side when I figured out I was only a couple of blocks from my place of employment. Walking disheveled, hung-over, and barefooted over the sun-baked tar was a brand new experience for me, and with every step my shame deepened. Could this really be happening to me ... a good girl from a fine family, neighborhood, and school, respectable in all ways, always?
Sneaking into the office without keys on a Saturday morning normally would have been impossible, but luck was on my side again as I found the cleaning crew had left the door propped open, allowing me to find a phone without attracting the undue attention of a few co-workers diligently toiling away that bright summer morning. The taxi driver agreed to accept a check for the ride home, as I had no money with me. My keys, along with my shoes, were still in the wrecked car, so my only alternative was to break a window to get into my house.
Finally, deeply shaken, I stood in my bedroom, almost in shock after the morning's ordeal. Could this horrible litany of events actually be part of my life? I barely recognized the woman, who earned the scornful stares of strangers as no better than any other street dwelling drunk. The constant throbbing of pain in my arm would not let me forget even for a moment what I had just endured.
As I stood looking toward the window, the sparkling waters of Pearl Harbor caught my attention through the curtains. At that moment, I saw my Creator, a strong presence of God, with both hands outstretched. He let me know that I had a choice to make in that moment, and I was not going to make it without the benefit of his vision.
On his left hand, he showed me how my life might progress if I continued to go down the path that I had chosen thus far. In a moment of vivid clarity, this presence granted me the insight to see exactly how selfish my lifestyle had become, and the true effect this self-centeredness was having on others. It was as if one moment I was blind to an entire aspect of truth and life, and in the next moment I could see everything clearly.
On God's right hand there was no picture that disturbed me. All I was being shown was unknowing. The Creator was saying that no outcomes are guaranteed, but to choose rightly would be to choose him. The decision I had to make, in that single moment, was to choose him with no promises or solutions, or to choose the path I had been on for so long.
Even without pictures to guide me, I felt that there was no way I could go back to my previous life. I knew without a doubt where that road would lead ... maybe I'd be a bag lady eventually. More certain was the fact that if I didn't change, I would be dead soon, or at the very least in prison, knowing I had caused the death of another. The vivid clarity I had been granted made my choice clear. I would choose God. I would choose to change my life by whatever means necessary. I would not look back.
It was only after a long tumble into the abyss of selfishness and self-involvement that I awoke to God's embrace of grace. If you have never reached the level of self-disgust that comes before a major rehaul of your life, you'll probably never comprehend the soul-shattering depths called "bottoming out." If you have been through it, then you are truly one of the blessed walking this earth.
The morning I had my vision happened after a long night that began with many fancy cocktails at a trendy dance club in Waikiki. It started, as many nights of drinking did for me at that time, full of glamour, high hopes of the men that might find me desirable, and the thrill of excitement. I made it home in one piece after a night of dancing and continued the drinking with a bottle of wine. In the beginning of a blackout, I decided that partying at a friend's house seemed like a good idea and didn't have any problem hitting the Hawaiian highways.
It wasn't the first time I had gotten behind the wheel in an alcoholic blackout. The police report said my vehicle had careened from one side of the three-lane highway to the other, until it finally collided with a barricade and came to rest on the grass. I came out of the accident with a badly bruised arm and an even worse attitude. After being booked with DWI, fingerprinted, photographed, and thrown in a cell, the fog started to lift a little. Sitting behind bars, humiliated, it dawned on me that I could be sitting here knowing that I had hurt or even killed another human being -- maybe even someone's innocent child.
It was the first time I had thought of someone, other than myself, in relation to my alcohol use. That alone is miraculous.
My night of shame and degradation continued as I was hauled before a judge, dismissed, and thrown out the door in the bright, fresh, sunlit Honolulu morning. I politely asked the police officer at the door for change to make a phone call, and the look he threw my way shocked me. He didn't see anything but another pitiful drunk.
It was a busy Saturday morning downtown, with Japanese tourist groups adding to the regular local traffic. In my fog, I had thought I was on the other side of the island. Luck was finally on my side when I figured out I was only a couple of blocks from my place of employment. Walking disheveled, hung-over, and barefooted over the sun-baked tar was a brand new experience for me, and with every step my shame deepened. Could this really be happening to me ... a good girl from a fine family, neighborhood, and school, respectable in all ways, always?
Sneaking into the office without keys on a Saturday morning normally would have been impossible, but luck was on my side again as I found the cleaning crew had left the door propped open, allowing me to find a phone without attracting the undue attention of a few co-workers diligently toiling away that bright summer morning. The taxi driver agreed to accept a check for the ride home, as I had no money with me. My keys, along with my shoes, were still in the wrecked car, so my only alternative was to break a window to get into my house.
Finally, deeply shaken, I stood in my bedroom, almost in shock after the morning's ordeal. Could this horrible litany of events actually be part of my life? I barely recognized the woman, who earned the scornful stares of strangers as no better than any other street dwelling drunk. The constant throbbing of pain in my arm would not let me forget even for a moment what I had just endured.
As I stood looking toward the window, the sparkling waters of Pearl Harbor caught my attention through the curtains. At that moment, I saw my Creator, a strong presence of God, with both hands outstretched. He let me know that I had a choice to make in that moment, and I was not going to make it without the benefit of his vision.
On his left hand, he showed me how my life might progress if I continued to go down the path that I had chosen thus far. In a moment of vivid clarity, this presence granted me the insight to see exactly how selfish my lifestyle had become, and the true effect this self-centeredness was having on others. It was as if one moment I was blind to an entire aspect of truth and life, and in the next moment I could see everything clearly.
On God's right hand there was no picture that disturbed me. All I was being shown was unknowing. The Creator was saying that no outcomes are guaranteed, but to choose rightly would be to choose him. The decision I had to make, in that single moment, was to choose him with no promises or solutions, or to choose the path I had been on for so long.
Even without pictures to guide me, I felt that there was no way I could go back to my previous life. I knew without a doubt where that road would lead ... maybe I'd be a bag lady eventually. More certain was the fact that if I didn't change, I would be dead soon, or at the very least in prison, knowing I had caused the death of another. The vivid clarity I had been granted made my choice clear. I would choose God. I would choose to change my life by whatever means necessary. I would not look back.
