Dealing With Suicide For a Man in His Sixties
Sermon
We Are The Lord's
AN ANTHOLOGY OF SELECT FUNERAL MESSAGES
The death of a loved one is always a tragedy. It is doubly so when that loved one has taken his own life. Today, we have come together to share the sorrow of all the Carpenters at the suicide of their husband and father, L. T. Not only grief, but guilt and anger are normal feelings when faced with the death of a loved one. Such feelings can threaten to engulf us in the presence of suicide. We look back and see little signs ... and ask ourselves, "Why didn't we see those signs?" "Why didn't we see them in time?" "Would he still be alive if we had done something different when he must have been feeling so much pain?"
To make matters worse, we often fail to find relief from our grief from quarters to which we normally turn. We find friends unwilling to talk about our loved one's death. One man once expressed great appreciation to me simply because I was willing to talk with him about suicide after his son's girl friend had attempted suicide. No one was willing to even talk about the problem of suicide, much less to offer him any consolation.
Churches often turn an unfeeling ear to those whose loved ones have committed suicide. "Suicide is sin," they say, and they give no further thought to the subject. Furthermore, suicide is often such a taboo subject they will not even talk about it with the family. If they do, it may be even worse, for they may dwell on how sinful the person's act was. Some ministers have been known to refuse to conduct the funeral for a suicide, and some churches will put restrictions on where the person can be buried.
L. T. had always been against suicide. He was an alive and vital man, in love with life. But, of late, L. T. was in a lot of pain. It was believed that he might have cancer, but, because of his emphysema, his doctor did not want to operate to determine the exact nature of his problem. He had made some progress under his doctor's care, but he was still unable to reach the ease of breathing the doctor felt was necessary to make surgery a safe option. His suicide note mentioned his agony over this situation, but he was also concerned to protect his family from the high cost of his illness. He did not want to be a burden.
Our task is not to judge L. T., much less to condemn him. We must try to understand why he decided suicide was the best answer to his situation. We must try to understand how important it was to him not to be a burden to his family. Even if we disapprove of his act, we must honor him for his concern for his family. Furthermore, can we be so absolutely certain we would behave differently in a similar situation that we have the right to sit in judgment of him? Thinking about L. T., and about what I might have done in a similar situation, prompted me to write the following poem:
Each one must choose if length of days
Is something worthy of our praise.
If life alone is worth the cost
When all our joy in life is lost.
And nothing pleasing meets our gaze.
No one can choose for us the ways
We seek to lead us through the maze
Of storm-filled seas that must be crossed.
Each one must choose!
So do not curse the one who lays
Aside his life as if a craze
For dying filled his soul. Those tossed
Aside by life must soon accost
that fate we see as through a haze.
Each one must choose!
In the words of Peter DeVries, "We are not primarily put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through." Rather than trying to judge L. T., we should be about the task for which God created us - the task of "seeing one another through." L. T.'s suicide was a sad thing; an even sadder thing would be if, when we are so needed by his family, we were found wanting, without sympathy, without compassion. We may not know how to judge L.T., but we know how to judge a religious community and its relationship to God. When it fails to support people in their grief, and chooses to act as their judges rather than their family in Christ, it has failed in its life together.
At no time more than now, at the death of L. T., will the Carpenter family have more need of the church and its ministry of love. It is for times like this that God created the church. We need to rally around the family with all the love we can muster. Suffering is never so great as when we are alone. The mere presence of others can be gratifying. A basic belief of Christianity is that we are never alone. We are bound together and to God with ties not even death can sever. We are not isolated individuals, who only happen to live in proximity to one another.
In Christ we become a supportive community, so that even death loses some of its sting. When we have fellowship with one another, when we care what happens to those around us, we will find that neither death nor life nor anything else will be able to separate us from the love of God. We will find the strength to face any situation, even so tragic a loss as this one that we find so hard to understand, for God will give us the strength. A burden is unbearable only when we lack the strength to carry it, and Paul tells us, in the fourth chapter of Philippians, that God will give us the strength to face any condition. God has indeed given us the strength, and while Christ is the source of that strength, the church is the channel through which God's grace comes to us and helps us face whatever trials this world may bring. This family is in great need of our love and support at this time. In the future, it could be any one of us who will be in need of the loving support of the church, including the Carpenter family. Knowing them, I know that if I was ever in need of their loving support it would be there.
It may seem to the Carpenters at this time that they are going "through the valley of the shadow of death," but Psalm 23 promises them that God's presence will see them through. God's promise is not of a rose garden, to quote a popular song, but of the strength to finish the race, not of a safe journey but of a safe harbor at the end of what can often be a rough and rugged journey, with many joys but also with many losses.
On the other hand, someone has said, memories enable us to have roses in December. Even in this "December" of our mourning, we can have the "roses" of times remembered when L. T. was with us with his strong and caring presence. It has been said we never die as long as we are remembered, and L. T. will be long remembered, by his family and by those of us who were privileged to know him. Let us erase any anger we might have in our hearts because of the manner of his death and be thankful for the manner of his life. While we must grieve over our loss - for L. T.'s death leaves a grievous wound in the hearts of his loved ones - let us cherish what we have gained for having known him.
John Henry Newman once wrote: "Fear not that your life shall come to an end, but rather that it shall never have a beginning." L. T.'s life did indeed have a beginning, and while his life did not completely run its course, coming as it did to an untimely end, in the time he was with us he gave us many reasons for remembering him with joy. For the most part, life was good to L. T. He leaves behind a loving wife, loving children and grandchildren. No one's life has been lived in vain when this can be said. L. T. gave of himself, often doing some little thing for someone, taking joy where he found it, and often creating joy where there was none. He loved to dance and was often at the Senior Citizens' dances. And therefore, even now, in the midst of our suffering and grief, we can praise God for the love of Christ which strengthens us and for the life of our brother to whom we now say goodbye.
To make matters worse, we often fail to find relief from our grief from quarters to which we normally turn. We find friends unwilling to talk about our loved one's death. One man once expressed great appreciation to me simply because I was willing to talk with him about suicide after his son's girl friend had attempted suicide. No one was willing to even talk about the problem of suicide, much less to offer him any consolation.
Churches often turn an unfeeling ear to those whose loved ones have committed suicide. "Suicide is sin," they say, and they give no further thought to the subject. Furthermore, suicide is often such a taboo subject they will not even talk about it with the family. If they do, it may be even worse, for they may dwell on how sinful the person's act was. Some ministers have been known to refuse to conduct the funeral for a suicide, and some churches will put restrictions on where the person can be buried.
L. T. had always been against suicide. He was an alive and vital man, in love with life. But, of late, L. T. was in a lot of pain. It was believed that he might have cancer, but, because of his emphysema, his doctor did not want to operate to determine the exact nature of his problem. He had made some progress under his doctor's care, but he was still unable to reach the ease of breathing the doctor felt was necessary to make surgery a safe option. His suicide note mentioned his agony over this situation, but he was also concerned to protect his family from the high cost of his illness. He did not want to be a burden.
Our task is not to judge L. T., much less to condemn him. We must try to understand why he decided suicide was the best answer to his situation. We must try to understand how important it was to him not to be a burden to his family. Even if we disapprove of his act, we must honor him for his concern for his family. Furthermore, can we be so absolutely certain we would behave differently in a similar situation that we have the right to sit in judgment of him? Thinking about L. T., and about what I might have done in a similar situation, prompted me to write the following poem:
Each one must choose if length of days
Is something worthy of our praise.
If life alone is worth the cost
When all our joy in life is lost.
And nothing pleasing meets our gaze.
No one can choose for us the ways
We seek to lead us through the maze
Of storm-filled seas that must be crossed.
Each one must choose!
So do not curse the one who lays
Aside his life as if a craze
For dying filled his soul. Those tossed
Aside by life must soon accost
that fate we see as through a haze.
Each one must choose!
In the words of Peter DeVries, "We are not primarily put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through." Rather than trying to judge L. T., we should be about the task for which God created us - the task of "seeing one another through." L. T.'s suicide was a sad thing; an even sadder thing would be if, when we are so needed by his family, we were found wanting, without sympathy, without compassion. We may not know how to judge L.T., but we know how to judge a religious community and its relationship to God. When it fails to support people in their grief, and chooses to act as their judges rather than their family in Christ, it has failed in its life together.
At no time more than now, at the death of L. T., will the Carpenter family have more need of the church and its ministry of love. It is for times like this that God created the church. We need to rally around the family with all the love we can muster. Suffering is never so great as when we are alone. The mere presence of others can be gratifying. A basic belief of Christianity is that we are never alone. We are bound together and to God with ties not even death can sever. We are not isolated individuals, who only happen to live in proximity to one another.
In Christ we become a supportive community, so that even death loses some of its sting. When we have fellowship with one another, when we care what happens to those around us, we will find that neither death nor life nor anything else will be able to separate us from the love of God. We will find the strength to face any situation, even so tragic a loss as this one that we find so hard to understand, for God will give us the strength. A burden is unbearable only when we lack the strength to carry it, and Paul tells us, in the fourth chapter of Philippians, that God will give us the strength to face any condition. God has indeed given us the strength, and while Christ is the source of that strength, the church is the channel through which God's grace comes to us and helps us face whatever trials this world may bring. This family is in great need of our love and support at this time. In the future, it could be any one of us who will be in need of the loving support of the church, including the Carpenter family. Knowing them, I know that if I was ever in need of their loving support it would be there.
It may seem to the Carpenters at this time that they are going "through the valley of the shadow of death," but Psalm 23 promises them that God's presence will see them through. God's promise is not of a rose garden, to quote a popular song, but of the strength to finish the race, not of a safe journey but of a safe harbor at the end of what can often be a rough and rugged journey, with many joys but also with many losses.
On the other hand, someone has said, memories enable us to have roses in December. Even in this "December" of our mourning, we can have the "roses" of times remembered when L. T. was with us with his strong and caring presence. It has been said we never die as long as we are remembered, and L. T. will be long remembered, by his family and by those of us who were privileged to know him. Let us erase any anger we might have in our hearts because of the manner of his death and be thankful for the manner of his life. While we must grieve over our loss - for L. T.'s death leaves a grievous wound in the hearts of his loved ones - let us cherish what we have gained for having known him.
John Henry Newman once wrote: "Fear not that your life shall come to an end, but rather that it shall never have a beginning." L. T.'s life did indeed have a beginning, and while his life did not completely run its course, coming as it did to an untimely end, in the time he was with us he gave us many reasons for remembering him with joy. For the most part, life was good to L. T. He leaves behind a loving wife, loving children and grandchildren. No one's life has been lived in vain when this can be said. L. T. gave of himself, often doing some little thing for someone, taking joy where he found it, and often creating joy where there was none. He loved to dance and was often at the Senior Citizens' dances. And therefore, even now, in the midst of our suffering and grief, we can praise God for the love of Christ which strengthens us and for the life of our brother to whom we now say goodbye.
