Epitaphs
Humor
Why Didn't Noah Swat Both Mosquitoes?
Plus Other Humorous Stories For Clergy
"Here lies Lester Moor,
Four slugs from a 44,
No less, no more." (The old west)
A dentist:
"Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity
John Brown is filling his last cavity."
An editor:
"Here lies an editor! Snooks if you will;
In mercy, King Providence, let him lie still!
He lied for a living; so he lived while he lied;
When he could not lie longer, he lied down and died."
A bookseller:
"Here lies poor Ned Pardon, from misery freed,
Who long was a bookseller's hack;
He led such a miserable life in this world,
I don't think he'll ever come back."
A haberdasher:
"Here lies John Smith,
Sometimes hosier and haberdasher in this town.
He left his house, his Anna, his love,
To sing hosanna in the realms above."
Connecticut:
"Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died drinking too much coffee,
Anny dominy eighteen forty." (But what was her name?)
New Jersey:
"She was not smart, she was not fair,
But hearts with grief for her are swellin';
And empty stands her little chair;
She died of eatin' watermelon."
from C. Thomas Hilton, The Clergy Journal
Ft. Wallace, Kansas:
"He tried to make 2 jacks beat a pair of aces."
Middletown, Maryland:
"I fought a good battle, but I losted."
Elkhart, Indiana, professor:
"School is out
Teacher has gone home."
Ruido, New Mexico:
"Here lies John Yeast;
Pardon me for not rising."
Lee County, Mississippi:
"Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't
Again" -- Clergy talk
Hypochondriac:
"I told you I was sick."
Holly, Michigan, cemetery:
"He did not reach 70 going like 60."
More epitaphs from various unknown sources which I have
collected:
Wall Street Trinity Church:
"Remember friends as you pass by,
As you are now, so once was I.
So, as I am you soon will be,
So prepare for death and follow me."
Maryland:
"Here lies the body of Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, a marble
cutter. This monument, erected as a tribute to her memory, may be
duplicated for $250."
Four slugs from a 44,
No less, no more." (The old west)
A dentist:
"Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity
John Brown is filling his last cavity."
An editor:
"Here lies an editor! Snooks if you will;
In mercy, King Providence, let him lie still!
He lied for a living; so he lived while he lied;
When he could not lie longer, he lied down and died."
A bookseller:
"Here lies poor Ned Pardon, from misery freed,
Who long was a bookseller's hack;
He led such a miserable life in this world,
I don't think he'll ever come back."
A haberdasher:
"Here lies John Smith,
Sometimes hosier and haberdasher in this town.
He left his house, his Anna, his love,
To sing hosanna in the realms above."
Connecticut:
"Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died drinking too much coffee,
Anny dominy eighteen forty." (But what was her name?)
New Jersey:
"She was not smart, she was not fair,
But hearts with grief for her are swellin';
And empty stands her little chair;
She died of eatin' watermelon."
from C. Thomas Hilton, The Clergy Journal
Ft. Wallace, Kansas:
"He tried to make 2 jacks beat a pair of aces."
Middletown, Maryland:
"I fought a good battle, but I losted."
Elkhart, Indiana, professor:
"School is out
Teacher has gone home."
Ruido, New Mexico:
"Here lies John Yeast;
Pardon me for not rising."
Lee County, Mississippi:
"Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't
Again" -- Clergy talk
Hypochondriac:
"I told you I was sick."
Holly, Michigan, cemetery:
"He did not reach 70 going like 60."
More epitaphs from various unknown sources which I have
collected:
Wall Street Trinity Church:
"Remember friends as you pass by,
As you are now, so once was I.
So, as I am you soon will be,
So prepare for death and follow me."
Maryland:
"Here lies the body of Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, a marble
cutter. This monument, erected as a tribute to her memory, may be
duplicated for $250."
