Fathering Number One Types And Number Two Types
Self Help
What's A Mother/Father To Do?
Parenting For The New Millennium
"Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to make merry and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." -- Luke 15:31-32
Father's Day has become an important time to honor fathers in a national observance. We come to this day with some uncertainty and ambivalence. One author wrote that it is "a day for loud ties, uneasy embraces, and unmistakable colognes."
Indeed, of the 100 million neckties sold annually, 10 million are sold for Father's Day. And twenty percent of men's fragrances are sold at this time, not to mention soap on a rope!
Despite that, Father's Day runs a poor second to Mother's Day when it comes to flowers and cards. Only about 58,448 orders for flowers are made on Father's Day, compared to 1.6 million for mothers. And on Mother's Day, 145 million cards are sent compared to only 90 million for fathers.
And if you plan to eat out, you will not have to stand in line as on Mother's Day. Restaurant reservations do not increase much for fathers. Comedian Joey Adams says that Father's Day and Mother's Day are alike -- except that on Father's Day you buy a much cheaper gift.
Father's Day had its beginnings in Spokane, Washington, in 1910. William Jackson Smart, a widower, who brought up six children by himself, was the inspiration for Father's Day. In 1909, his daughter, Sonora Louis, was listening to a Mother's Day sermon when she got the idea for Father's Day. It became a national observance day in 1972, when President Nixon signed a Congressional resolution.
Nevertheless, these are difficult times for American men and fathers. Caught as they are between tradition and change, between responsibility and attack, they seem increasingly unsure of their roles. For example, unwed fathers are in -- Mick Jagger, Mike Tyson, Steven Spielberg, and Woody Allen. Says one writer: "Babies have replaced motorcycle jackets as chic accessories."
Roles for fathers are changing. Of the 24.6 million married couples in America with children under 18, two percent have stay-at-home dads. That's 541,000 households. Warren Cook, himself a stay-at-home dad and New York literary agent, says, "Men are discovering that fatherhood is better than having a career. Let the wives work."
If the feminists think the women of the world have been exploited (and they have), what might we say about the exploitation and degradation of men, especially fathers. Bob Newhart recently commented that he would never allow his character in his television series to have children because he didn't want to be seen as daddy, the idiot. Stephen Nichols of NBC's Days of Our Lives says he would never act toward his own two children as he does toward his television program children. Fathers are usually portrayed on television as bumbling, ineffectual, weak, and just plain dumb. Thus to speak of fathering in these difficult times for men and fathers may seem strange indeed.
Yet, speak of it we must, for our Christian faith elevates fatherhood to high status. Fathers regularly are advised to take the responsibility to raise their children well, to manage an orderly and faithful family, and to model their own role after God himself. Indeed, one of the most common biblical and theological images for God is that of Father. Christian fathers are to manifest the God-like qualities toward their own children as God does toward his. And just like God, most fathers discover they have number one type and number two type children.
I.
Consider first fathering the number one type child.
What is a number one type child? At first glance, he is the apple of his father's eye. He is the apple of his father's eye because he is very much like the father, a kind of extension of the father. He is, as we say, a chip off the old block.
A number one type child characteristically tries to please the father. He obeys the rules, follows instructions, does as his father says, observes the traditions, remains steadfastly loyal and subservient, and colors within the lines.
A number one type daughter tries to fulfill the father's dreams and expectations for her. She tends to think his ways and ideas and perceptions of reality are the best ones. Number one type daughters rarely stay out past curfew. They are anxious to date the kind of boy of which their dad would approve. When playing games, number one type daughters are concerned about the rules and boundary lines.
Number one type children are in many ways the ideals of a patriarchal society, and for that matter, a matriarchal society. Father-ruled societies are built on traditions and rules handed down by the father and mother. The ancient tribe, with the tribal chieftain serving as group father, was the family writ large. And most kings were father figures for their kingdoms, wherein families of nobles ruled under the king. It was a hierarchy of families or fathers, and number one type children, usually sons, were groomed to inherit the patriarch's authority and much of his fortune. It was a grooming to which number one type sons readily submitted.
If the secular state was built on patriarchy or matriarchy, so was much of the church. In the Eastern Orthodox Church, the prelates are called Patriarchs (Father-rulers) and the priests Fathers -- the spiritual fathers of the family of the faithful. In the Western or Roman Catholic Church, priests have the same designation, and the head of the church is designated Pope or Papa. He is the supreme and Holy Father. Consequently, both church and state tend to favor number one type sons.
But so do oligarchies -- that is, those families and clans grouped around inherited wealth, much like the Rockefellers or Kennedys. The Kennedy boys might be philanderers like their father, but they were, many of them, number one types when it came to taking seriously their father's political ambition and financial acumen.
So then, what could be so difficult about fathering number one types? Aren't they the ideal of most parents, teachers, ministers, and policemen? Are not number one types the stay-at-home solid types who will be there when you need them? And when you are old, will they not be on hand to manage well the family financial assets and to look after you when you are incapacitated? Number one types never give their fathers much grief. So what's the beef?
In the famous prodigal son story, the world's best short story, the father does have difficulty with his number one type son. No, he has not shirked his duties, nor broken rules, nor squandered family finances. He has not broken any laws, nor run off with any floozies.
The problem with number one types is that they often become self-righteous, rigid, staid, censorious, judgmental, reactionary, hypercritical, joyless, and graceless. They tend always to be uptight and arrogant, thinking themselves better than others. And to top it off, they usually are.
Better that is, sometimes because they have never tried anything new, never taken any chances, never taken risks where they might fail. Consequently, they tend to be backward looking preservers of the status quo. For them, the ideal time is always in the past rather than the future. What has been is what always should be. They will always be old money rather than new, concerned more with ancestors than descendents. They want to continue making buggy whips long after automobiles are in wide use.
And how is God the Father portrayed in this famous story? He is portrayed not as undermining the number one type older brother, but as loosening him up. He does not deny that he has been faithful, but he points out how rigid and joyless and unforgiving he has become. The older son never had a party because he didn't know how to have one. Life had become the hard duty of preserving the past and guarding the status quo. Closed-minded, nothing new could happen with him.
Thus we fathers, proud as we may be of our number one type children, must not impose too much of the past upon them. We have a natural desire to make them preservers of our worldview and way of life so as to be extensions of ourselves. We want to gain a kind of immortality through them. But perhaps we can give a gift to them. Our number one types probably need more freedom to be themselves.
II.
What then of the number two type children? How should we father them?
The quick response of many fathers might be that it is impossible to father them. My wife and I have raised six children among whom there were number one and number two types. All our children are grown and out of college and one out of law school. Five are married and we now have eleven grandchildren -- seven boys, four girls. And I have noticed among them number one and number two type children. We smile at their antics and tease our children, saying grandchildren are the best revenge.
That may be especially true when it comes to number two type children. From day one they are rebels. They cry at night and won't get on an eating and sleeping schedule. Curious and slightly discontent, for them rules are made to be broken. They always like to color outside the lines and challenge the accepted traditions and authorities.
If number one type children go through mild rebellion in their teenage years, number two types start in the terrible twos and never stop. If number one types tend to be mommy's boys and daddy's girls, number two types belong to nobody, thank you. They break the curfews, wreck the car, squander the allowance, get the poor grades, care not a fig what anybody thinks, and dress as they please.
If many teenagers think parents are square and stodgy, number two types think their parents were thawed out from the ice age just slightly ahead of their older number one type brother or sister. And if number one types are loyal stay-at-homes, number two types tend to be runaways. If not runaways, they are gone from home as soon as possible, just like the younger son in our famous story. Home is dullsville and number one type siblings are boring.
Number two types need space. They need to be free, to breathe, to experience life to the fullest, to experiment, to sample the new, to throw off the shackles of the past. For them the status quo is a prison. Traditions and customs are straitjackets. Accepted norms are fossils of the past. They are more interested in space stations than museums. The Garden of Eden for them is always in the future. Paradise was not lost; it is to be gained.
Consequently, number two types tend to be artists, inventors, designers, and thinkers who want to create new life rather than repeat past experiences. If number one types think of the past as proven and secure, number two types think of the past as circumscribed and restrictive. Number one types live in memory and repeat the past, whereas number two types live in imagination and create the future.
Therefore, it is risky to father number two types. The father in our famous story knew that. He had some recognition of the legal inequity toward number two sons. Older, number one sons received twice as much inheritance as anyone else and were regarded as the carriers of the family name and tradition. The father sensed that unfairness and realized that ambitious, able, and aggressive younger sons felt stifled under such conditions.
Besides, in biblical history, it was often the younger son through whom the people of God were blessed. It was Abel and Seth who received the blessing, not the older Cain. Jacob was blessed, not Esau. David the youngest became king, not his older brothers. Even Jesus, an older brother himself, recognized that truth in telling this story.
So the father gave the younger son his inheritance, much like God has given us the earth as our inheritance. He squandered it, and so have we in many ways. Nevertheless, the father gave his rebel son the freedom he needed, and so should we. When it's time for them to go, we have to let them go to exercise their freedom at great risk just as God the Father has let us go to exercise our freedom at great risk.
In the freedom there is creativity and the possibility of new life and new realities. It is the freedom of creativity out of which comes the sculpture of Phidias, the new world of Columbus, the revolution of Galileo and Copernicus, the art of Michelangelo, the thought of Luther and Whitehead and Einstein, the moon landing of Neil Armstrong, the new fortunes of entrepreneurs, the vaccines of Jonas Salk, and the new realities of spiritually enlightened people.
We fathers need to grant our number two types the freedom they demand. And then how do we father them? We celebrate their new creations and applaud their new inventions. But, when the dream fades and the vision is broken and their glad independence is thwarted and they experience the harsh reverses life and the world give them, then, yes, we'll be looking down the street for them if they decide to come home awhile to regroup, and we'll welcome them with open arms, and a hug and kiss.
Yes, like God the Father, we'll be there to forgive them, to claim them as our own, to grant them the dignity of our sons and daughters who may have been dead to us, and are now alive; who may have been lost to us, and now are found.
Let's go get a new wardrobe for them. Here, put on this ring my father and grandfather passed on to me. Let's plan a big welcome-home party. And we'll order your favorite foods and bring in your favorite band for dancing.
Oh no, we'll not try to make you into a number one type any more than we'll try to make your older brother into a number two type. The fact is, most of us are some of each -- number one and number two. We need both types. And the truth is, both types need freedom and forgiveness, and of course, most of all, love.
God is a loving father who welcomes both types into his household. May we have wisdom and strength to do likewise.
Prayer
Eternal God who has made the world in awesome beauty and terrifying majesty, we come before you to offer our praise and thanksgiving and to acknowledge you as Lord, and ourselves as your creatures, made in your image to do your will. Aware of your wholeness and holiness, we are more aware of our partiality and unholiness. Aware of your demand for righteousness and love, we are more conscious of our unrighteousness and indifference, even toward those of our own family. Forgive us wherein we fall short of your design for us and be patient to start over again with us, to bring us to completion.
On this special day of honoring fathers, we are sometimes not sure we even should address you as Father, as though you were male only, embracing only a masculine point of view. But we know that all things have come to be through your power and creative word and that male and female, masculinity and femininity, have arisen from your Being. You have made us man and woman and have designed us for motherhood and fatherhood.
So bless especially on this day the fathers of our church and land. Be close to fathers hurting and alone, who feel alienated by those they love most. Heal those fathers broken by death or divorce or loss of a child. Be near to fathers struggling with marriage and career that they might be strong and keep their balance. Help fathers confused in mid-life crisis, wondering about identity and purpose. Be close to fathers wanting to understand and love their children who are unable to express love or to show understanding. Give them power to open up. Help young fathers with the newborn, fathers with the college-bound, and grandfathers in the sunset years that they may glow with wisdom and the assurance life has not been in vain.
Help fathers who fail in business or love, and restore them. Save powerful, successful fathers from pride and arrogance. Help them see the frailty of all life and their dependence upon you.
In these troubled days, bring new strength to the family, O Lord, that we may learn to honor one another and live long in the land in peace. We ask in the name of Christ our Lord. Amen.
Father's Day has become an important time to honor fathers in a national observance. We come to this day with some uncertainty and ambivalence. One author wrote that it is "a day for loud ties, uneasy embraces, and unmistakable colognes."
Indeed, of the 100 million neckties sold annually, 10 million are sold for Father's Day. And twenty percent of men's fragrances are sold at this time, not to mention soap on a rope!
Despite that, Father's Day runs a poor second to Mother's Day when it comes to flowers and cards. Only about 58,448 orders for flowers are made on Father's Day, compared to 1.6 million for mothers. And on Mother's Day, 145 million cards are sent compared to only 90 million for fathers.
And if you plan to eat out, you will not have to stand in line as on Mother's Day. Restaurant reservations do not increase much for fathers. Comedian Joey Adams says that Father's Day and Mother's Day are alike -- except that on Father's Day you buy a much cheaper gift.
Father's Day had its beginnings in Spokane, Washington, in 1910. William Jackson Smart, a widower, who brought up six children by himself, was the inspiration for Father's Day. In 1909, his daughter, Sonora Louis, was listening to a Mother's Day sermon when she got the idea for Father's Day. It became a national observance day in 1972, when President Nixon signed a Congressional resolution.
Nevertheless, these are difficult times for American men and fathers. Caught as they are between tradition and change, between responsibility and attack, they seem increasingly unsure of their roles. For example, unwed fathers are in -- Mick Jagger, Mike Tyson, Steven Spielberg, and Woody Allen. Says one writer: "Babies have replaced motorcycle jackets as chic accessories."
Roles for fathers are changing. Of the 24.6 million married couples in America with children under 18, two percent have stay-at-home dads. That's 541,000 households. Warren Cook, himself a stay-at-home dad and New York literary agent, says, "Men are discovering that fatherhood is better than having a career. Let the wives work."
If the feminists think the women of the world have been exploited (and they have), what might we say about the exploitation and degradation of men, especially fathers. Bob Newhart recently commented that he would never allow his character in his television series to have children because he didn't want to be seen as daddy, the idiot. Stephen Nichols of NBC's Days of Our Lives says he would never act toward his own two children as he does toward his television program children. Fathers are usually portrayed on television as bumbling, ineffectual, weak, and just plain dumb. Thus to speak of fathering in these difficult times for men and fathers may seem strange indeed.
Yet, speak of it we must, for our Christian faith elevates fatherhood to high status. Fathers regularly are advised to take the responsibility to raise their children well, to manage an orderly and faithful family, and to model their own role after God himself. Indeed, one of the most common biblical and theological images for God is that of Father. Christian fathers are to manifest the God-like qualities toward their own children as God does toward his. And just like God, most fathers discover they have number one type and number two type children.
I.
Consider first fathering the number one type child.
What is a number one type child? At first glance, he is the apple of his father's eye. He is the apple of his father's eye because he is very much like the father, a kind of extension of the father. He is, as we say, a chip off the old block.
A number one type child characteristically tries to please the father. He obeys the rules, follows instructions, does as his father says, observes the traditions, remains steadfastly loyal and subservient, and colors within the lines.
A number one type daughter tries to fulfill the father's dreams and expectations for her. She tends to think his ways and ideas and perceptions of reality are the best ones. Number one type daughters rarely stay out past curfew. They are anxious to date the kind of boy of which their dad would approve. When playing games, number one type daughters are concerned about the rules and boundary lines.
Number one type children are in many ways the ideals of a patriarchal society, and for that matter, a matriarchal society. Father-ruled societies are built on traditions and rules handed down by the father and mother. The ancient tribe, with the tribal chieftain serving as group father, was the family writ large. And most kings were father figures for their kingdoms, wherein families of nobles ruled under the king. It was a hierarchy of families or fathers, and number one type children, usually sons, were groomed to inherit the patriarch's authority and much of his fortune. It was a grooming to which number one type sons readily submitted.
If the secular state was built on patriarchy or matriarchy, so was much of the church. In the Eastern Orthodox Church, the prelates are called Patriarchs (Father-rulers) and the priests Fathers -- the spiritual fathers of the family of the faithful. In the Western or Roman Catholic Church, priests have the same designation, and the head of the church is designated Pope or Papa. He is the supreme and Holy Father. Consequently, both church and state tend to favor number one type sons.
But so do oligarchies -- that is, those families and clans grouped around inherited wealth, much like the Rockefellers or Kennedys. The Kennedy boys might be philanderers like their father, but they were, many of them, number one types when it came to taking seriously their father's political ambition and financial acumen.
So then, what could be so difficult about fathering number one types? Aren't they the ideal of most parents, teachers, ministers, and policemen? Are not number one types the stay-at-home solid types who will be there when you need them? And when you are old, will they not be on hand to manage well the family financial assets and to look after you when you are incapacitated? Number one types never give their fathers much grief. So what's the beef?
In the famous prodigal son story, the world's best short story, the father does have difficulty with his number one type son. No, he has not shirked his duties, nor broken rules, nor squandered family finances. He has not broken any laws, nor run off with any floozies.
The problem with number one types is that they often become self-righteous, rigid, staid, censorious, judgmental, reactionary, hypercritical, joyless, and graceless. They tend always to be uptight and arrogant, thinking themselves better than others. And to top it off, they usually are.
Better that is, sometimes because they have never tried anything new, never taken any chances, never taken risks where they might fail. Consequently, they tend to be backward looking preservers of the status quo. For them, the ideal time is always in the past rather than the future. What has been is what always should be. They will always be old money rather than new, concerned more with ancestors than descendents. They want to continue making buggy whips long after automobiles are in wide use.
And how is God the Father portrayed in this famous story? He is portrayed not as undermining the number one type older brother, but as loosening him up. He does not deny that he has been faithful, but he points out how rigid and joyless and unforgiving he has become. The older son never had a party because he didn't know how to have one. Life had become the hard duty of preserving the past and guarding the status quo. Closed-minded, nothing new could happen with him.
Thus we fathers, proud as we may be of our number one type children, must not impose too much of the past upon them. We have a natural desire to make them preservers of our worldview and way of life so as to be extensions of ourselves. We want to gain a kind of immortality through them. But perhaps we can give a gift to them. Our number one types probably need more freedom to be themselves.
II.
What then of the number two type children? How should we father them?
The quick response of many fathers might be that it is impossible to father them. My wife and I have raised six children among whom there were number one and number two types. All our children are grown and out of college and one out of law school. Five are married and we now have eleven grandchildren -- seven boys, four girls. And I have noticed among them number one and number two type children. We smile at their antics and tease our children, saying grandchildren are the best revenge.
That may be especially true when it comes to number two type children. From day one they are rebels. They cry at night and won't get on an eating and sleeping schedule. Curious and slightly discontent, for them rules are made to be broken. They always like to color outside the lines and challenge the accepted traditions and authorities.
If number one type children go through mild rebellion in their teenage years, number two types start in the terrible twos and never stop. If number one types tend to be mommy's boys and daddy's girls, number two types belong to nobody, thank you. They break the curfews, wreck the car, squander the allowance, get the poor grades, care not a fig what anybody thinks, and dress as they please.
If many teenagers think parents are square and stodgy, number two types think their parents were thawed out from the ice age just slightly ahead of their older number one type brother or sister. And if number one types are loyal stay-at-homes, number two types tend to be runaways. If not runaways, they are gone from home as soon as possible, just like the younger son in our famous story. Home is dullsville and number one type siblings are boring.
Number two types need space. They need to be free, to breathe, to experience life to the fullest, to experiment, to sample the new, to throw off the shackles of the past. For them the status quo is a prison. Traditions and customs are straitjackets. Accepted norms are fossils of the past. They are more interested in space stations than museums. The Garden of Eden for them is always in the future. Paradise was not lost; it is to be gained.
Consequently, number two types tend to be artists, inventors, designers, and thinkers who want to create new life rather than repeat past experiences. If number one types think of the past as proven and secure, number two types think of the past as circumscribed and restrictive. Number one types live in memory and repeat the past, whereas number two types live in imagination and create the future.
Therefore, it is risky to father number two types. The father in our famous story knew that. He had some recognition of the legal inequity toward number two sons. Older, number one sons received twice as much inheritance as anyone else and were regarded as the carriers of the family name and tradition. The father sensed that unfairness and realized that ambitious, able, and aggressive younger sons felt stifled under such conditions.
Besides, in biblical history, it was often the younger son through whom the people of God were blessed. It was Abel and Seth who received the blessing, not the older Cain. Jacob was blessed, not Esau. David the youngest became king, not his older brothers. Even Jesus, an older brother himself, recognized that truth in telling this story.
So the father gave the younger son his inheritance, much like God has given us the earth as our inheritance. He squandered it, and so have we in many ways. Nevertheless, the father gave his rebel son the freedom he needed, and so should we. When it's time for them to go, we have to let them go to exercise their freedom at great risk just as God the Father has let us go to exercise our freedom at great risk.
In the freedom there is creativity and the possibility of new life and new realities. It is the freedom of creativity out of which comes the sculpture of Phidias, the new world of Columbus, the revolution of Galileo and Copernicus, the art of Michelangelo, the thought of Luther and Whitehead and Einstein, the moon landing of Neil Armstrong, the new fortunes of entrepreneurs, the vaccines of Jonas Salk, and the new realities of spiritually enlightened people.
We fathers need to grant our number two types the freedom they demand. And then how do we father them? We celebrate their new creations and applaud their new inventions. But, when the dream fades and the vision is broken and their glad independence is thwarted and they experience the harsh reverses life and the world give them, then, yes, we'll be looking down the street for them if they decide to come home awhile to regroup, and we'll welcome them with open arms, and a hug and kiss.
Yes, like God the Father, we'll be there to forgive them, to claim them as our own, to grant them the dignity of our sons and daughters who may have been dead to us, and are now alive; who may have been lost to us, and now are found.
Let's go get a new wardrobe for them. Here, put on this ring my father and grandfather passed on to me. Let's plan a big welcome-home party. And we'll order your favorite foods and bring in your favorite band for dancing.
Oh no, we'll not try to make you into a number one type any more than we'll try to make your older brother into a number two type. The fact is, most of us are some of each -- number one and number two. We need both types. And the truth is, both types need freedom and forgiveness, and of course, most of all, love.
God is a loving father who welcomes both types into his household. May we have wisdom and strength to do likewise.
Prayer
Eternal God who has made the world in awesome beauty and terrifying majesty, we come before you to offer our praise and thanksgiving and to acknowledge you as Lord, and ourselves as your creatures, made in your image to do your will. Aware of your wholeness and holiness, we are more aware of our partiality and unholiness. Aware of your demand for righteousness and love, we are more conscious of our unrighteousness and indifference, even toward those of our own family. Forgive us wherein we fall short of your design for us and be patient to start over again with us, to bring us to completion.
On this special day of honoring fathers, we are sometimes not sure we even should address you as Father, as though you were male only, embracing only a masculine point of view. But we know that all things have come to be through your power and creative word and that male and female, masculinity and femininity, have arisen from your Being. You have made us man and woman and have designed us for motherhood and fatherhood.
So bless especially on this day the fathers of our church and land. Be close to fathers hurting and alone, who feel alienated by those they love most. Heal those fathers broken by death or divorce or loss of a child. Be near to fathers struggling with marriage and career that they might be strong and keep their balance. Help fathers confused in mid-life crisis, wondering about identity and purpose. Be close to fathers wanting to understand and love their children who are unable to express love or to show understanding. Give them power to open up. Help young fathers with the newborn, fathers with the college-bound, and grandfathers in the sunset years that they may glow with wisdom and the assurance life has not been in vain.
Help fathers who fail in business or love, and restore them. Save powerful, successful fathers from pride and arrogance. Help them see the frailty of all life and their dependence upon you.
In these troubled days, bring new strength to the family, O Lord, that we may learn to honor one another and live long in the land in peace. We ask in the name of Christ our Lord. Amen.
