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The first time I walked into the visiting room for death row inmates at San Quentin State Prison was the most frightening experience of my life. I had never had any experience with prison and had never known anyone who had been either a prisoner or prison employee. I knew what I had heard on the radio, been told by politicians, and seen on television and in the movies. I was not prepared for what I saw that day. I looked around the visiting room for condemned inmates and did not see a single monster. I saw perfectly ordinary men who were neatly dressed. They were seated with their wives, children, grandmothers, spiritual counselors, and friends. In fact, everywhere I looked, I saw the face of God! I was there to visit with the man who murdered my daughter, Catherine. She was nineteen when she died. It had been a long and difficult journey to the San Quentin Condemned visiting room.

That journey began with a terrible phone call telling me Catherine was dead: murdered. I began a dark trip of anger, rage, and lust for revenge that lasted for eight years. The district attorney assured me that he would find the man who committed this crime, convict him, and see him sentenced to death. He told me that when the man was executed I would find the healing and peace I needed. I had no spiritual faith at that time and I believed him. This promise of healing after an execution is the "magic bullet" offered to murder victims' families all over the United States by self-serving district attorneys. Even though he kept his promises and put a man on death row for my daughter's murder, eight years is too long a time to be consumed with hatred.

I was finally awakened to the truth by lessons I learned in Unity Church, the Church of Religious Science, years of intense study of all religious faiths, and becoming a student of A Course in Miracles. One night, after four years of study and prayer, a voice came to me. It said, "You must forgive him and you must let him know!" That voice was so loud and clear that I couldn't sleep that night. It had me out of bed at 4:00 a.m., at which time I found myself typing a letter to the man I had hated for so long: the man who murdered Catherine.

In the letter, I told him of the pain I had suffered and how unbearable it had been to lose Catherine. I also told him of the wonderful teachers who had come into my life and that I had come to know that I was able to forgive him. I explained that this did not mean that I felt he was innocent. I told him, "The Christ in me sends blessings to the Christ in you." The act of mailing the letter was a profound event of healing. The instant the letter went into the mailbox all of my anger, rage, and need for revenge simply disappeared, and in its place I was filled with love, peace, and joy. I was truly in a state of grace.

I received a letter back that expressed great joy that I had found such wonderful teachers who helped heal my pain. It also expressed the agony of knowing how deeply he had hurt so many people, especially Catherine's mother. He said it was more than his soul could bear. He thanked me for the opportunity to write and express his remorse. He enclosed a visitor's form. It took ninety days for me to get permission from the prison to visit.

Today, I continue to visit San Quentin Death Row. I am totally opposed to the death penalty for any reason. I know that a state sanctioned, premeditated murder will not bring back my daughter. I know that an execution does nothing to honor her memory.

I also know this: forgiveness heals. Forgiveness gave me back my life. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.