Jesus And Family Life
Bible Study
Hope For Tomorrow
What Jesus Would Say Today
Object:
Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me ... Mama, just for a moment we're happy. Let's look at one another. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?
-- Emily, reliving a family scene at Grover's Corners after her death, in Our Town
* * *
Mother is loving
Mother is caring
Mother is thoughtful
Mother is sharing.
Mother is wonderful
Mother is kind
If I get muddy, Mother doesn't mind.
-- Ben Brown, aged nine
* * *
Breakfast is not a good time for teaching children universal philosophies, moral principles, or polite manners. It is an appropriate time for conveying to children that their home has a kitchen and dining room with a pleasant atmosphere and good food.
-- Dr. Haim Ginott, Between Parent And Child
Jesus And Family Life
"Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' "
-- Matthew 19:14
Curtis Martin grew up in one of America's most dangerous ghettos. His aunt was murdered, his father was long gone, most of young Curtis' boyhood friends are either dead or in prison or hooked on drugs. On one occasion, Curtis was "hangin' out" with some friends when a car drove by and unseen occupants opened fire with handguns. Young Curtis managed to get away unharmed, making his way home. His was typical of the tragic lives of so many young people living on the "mean streets" of a metropolitan city. There was a difference for Curtis, though. His mother. She was determined that her son would find a way out of the ghetto. She worked three jobs, dragging herself home exhausted night after night to fix meals, oversee homework, and see that motherly love was abundantly mixed with firm rules and expectations. Mom loved her son dearly, but there was no nonsense allowed. One way or another, she would see that her boy grew to be a young man with character.
Curtis Martin played football in high school and was good. He was good enough to win city-wide honors, and a scholarship to college, where again he was a star player. Then one day word came that Curtis' mother was dead. Murdered. The one person who had given him life and nurtured that life and helped direct that life along the right way was gone. Devastated by his loss, young Curtis Martin vowed to do something with his life that would make his mother proud. Those who knew him complimented not only his play on the field, but his character as well.
Curtis Martin was drafted by the New England Patriots of the National Football League. Wearing number 28, he became an all-star running back, so successful, in fact, that he took the Patriots to the Super Bowl. NBC recently featured his story in a television special prior to an important game. On the show, analyst Joe Gibbs said that this young man was making a success of his life on and off the field "because he wants to honor his mother."
* * *
Much is said these days about "Family Values." I think Jesus would urge us to talk less and practice more.
* * *
Family. Jesus didn't discuss that subject much directly. Family structures were quite different in those times. Children were definitely to be seen and not heard until reaching an age which today we call adolescence, at which time they were initiated into adult society -- at which point they nearly always discovered the main benefit of that to be that they must now work harder, longer hours. Through the centuries since, roles changed little and were very clear. Father was boss, responsible to bring home the means for a living. Mother was to bear and raise the children and run the house, father's primary role being that of disciplinarian. Children were to go to school, often under spartan conditions and subject to stern discipline. During many eras, most children went to work very early in life. During the Industrial Revolution, conditions for all but the small minority of wealthy families were extremely harsh.
Conditions improved some through the centuries, but we'd need to look at post-World War II to find the beginning of the redefinition of "family" to the place we are in America today. Dr. Spock introduced the startling thought that children should be dealt with permissively, an idea which was abused in the early going. I recall sitting on my porch one day, watching the little girl across the street ride her bike too fast around the corner and into the side of my car parked at the curb. Her dad, a young professional man, dashed across the street to see that she was unhurt, then congratulated her on her skillful avoidance of injury as they walked back to the house with nary a look at the side of my car (it had a scratch). That was in the late '50s.
Since that time, ideas of family life as to child-raising and role redefinition have evolved through the '60s when parents were frantically dressing and talking like their children, and many children were going off to college to burn down R.O.T.C. buildings and join "love-ins," through the '70s with panty raids and streaking, and finally into the '80s and '90s marked by growing drug and alcohol use and the blatant use of obscene language. In the face of all of this, let's try to make some reasonable observations about family life as Jesus might commend it today.
I write, of course, as a pastor, not a child psychologist. However, having raised a daughter during the era referred to above, and now being father of two teenagers (actually stepfather, but I feel like their father), along with two grandsons, together with many years of observation of church families, I have some ideas about what Jesus would say to us today about family life. Let's approach this with some key words.
Respect. America is currently in the throes of a crime and drug wave which I believe is directly related to the lack of respect between so many people. I believe this all starts with the way Mom and Dad treat each other, especially in front of children (and I realize many families today are not two parent families). Almost any psychologist will, I believe, agree that we all grow up having learned to relate to members of the opposite sex pretty much as we saw our parents relate. There is some room for disagreement between parents. There is not room, however, for disrespectful shouting or demeaning statements. That kind of conduct can start one down the road to divorce -- or a miserable life.
I know a woman who heard her parents quarrel when she was four or five years old. She sneaked down to the stair landing, and heard her mother say to her father, "I never wanted that kid anyway." Later counseling helped her understand that her mother was trying to hurt her husband, not her daughter. But children have no means to evaluate such statements. They believe what they hear and see. That woman has never totally recovered from a feeling of worthlessness because of what she heard. Jesus once said, "Let the children come to me, and do not stop them" (Luke 18:15-17). Jesus respected children. They were people. They had a right to be treated as valuable. Clearly, Jesus would tell us today to treat our children with respect. That doesn't mean we don't discipline, and it doesn't mean ten-year-olds should be allowed to interrupt conversations at a party, or that tantrums should be tolerated, or that small children should be taken to nice restaurants before they have learned to be quiet. Those things, in the long run, have the opposite effect. Firm, loving discipline is, in fact, part of respect for a child. Children who are treated in an overly permissive manner generally have their comeuppance sooner or later. Respect means we treat their opinions as important and their welfare as equal to our own in importance.
I have vivid memories of long discussions over the dinner table when I was a teenager. My parents were educated people and I'm sure, if Mother were here today, she would confirm my memory that both my brother and I were incurable know-it-alls when we were kids. But we never were treated as though our opinions were any less valid than those of my mother and father. We always discussed as equals and dinner was always great fun (they, of course, had other ways of reminding us that they were the parents and we were the kids). I should add, my gentle good-spirited dad, who had been captain of the boxing team in college, though he never laid a hand on us in anger, made it clear that we would always treat him and mother with respect. I don't recall ever being tempted to do otherwise.
* * *
"A child's secrets must be respected. To refuse a child the right to have a secret is to deny him that of becoming a person."
-- Dr. Haim Ginott, child psychologist
* * *
Loyalty. Children need to learn this: people who are loyal are people who are trusted. This doesn't mean a parent gets upset with teacher if a criticism comes home from school (a good parent supports the teacher all the way). It means we are there for each other, no matter what. It means a set of family values to which everyone adheres. It means we can trust each other. Children need to learn that breaking a trust is like breaking a mirror -- it's very difficult to repair the damage. This needs to be taught early, but teaching it is best done by living it. Children who hear a parent lie on the telephone, or who discover that someone didn't keep a promise, or hear Dad make a fool of himself at a little league game, are probably going to do likewise as time goes on.
Loyalty means living out a set of values worthy of the family name, so that those who come later will always have reason to be proud, and it also means honoring those who have gone before. In The Bird's Christmas Carol, Mrs. Ruggles reminds the children, before they go to the Bird's house for Christmas dinner: "Do not forget that your uncle is a McBrill." Instead of telling them to use good manners, she was reminding them that their family had a fine reputation and they were to behave accordingly.
Humor. Recent studies have shown that a good laugh actually releases important chemicals in the body which heal illness and lengthen life. People who can't laugh, especially at themselves, must miss a lot of happiness. They probably also have higher stress levels than other people. I have no idea whether good humor is genetic or learned behavior, but I have to think that when Mom and Dad can have fun together, children learn to do the same.
Leo Buscaglia wrote of the time his father came home to announce that his partner had absconded with all the company money and he didn't even know where their next meal would come from. Buscaglia said his mother burst out laughing, the whole scenario having struck her funny. She then put on her coat and left, returning some time later with a large bag of groceries. She proceeded to make a banquet "such as we have for a baptism, or a wedding." When Dad asked what was going on, Mom replied that she had spent all the remaining money at the grocery. "You're crazy," said Mr. Buscaglia. And his wife replied, "The time we need joy is now not later. This is the time we need to be happy. Shut up and eat."
They all laughed after that. Professor Buscaglia said his dad lived to be 86 and they all survived the many difficulties of an Italian family in America because they could find humor even in the face of disaster.
We teach each other to smile and laugh by doing so, even when things aren't going well. I recall my early years, just after the Great Depression. My father was struggling to sell insurance while recovering from serious injuries suffered in an automobile accident. As a little boy I came in one evening to a "surprise candlelight dinner." It seems a grocery company in which my dad had invested some money was bankrupt, partly because their warehouse had flooded and there was no insurance. Dad had loaded his car with canned goods which were undamaged except for the fact that all the labels had been washed off the cans. So, we had a large cabinet filled with unidentified canned goods.
On this particular evening, our electricity had been turned off because my parents couldn't pay the light bill. No one, however, treated this as anything but a lark. Mother found some candles, then opened some cans which turned out to be cherries and corn, and that, along with some bread, was our dinner, and it was fun. Better days were ahead, but I can't remember many evenings in my home that weren't the scene of friendly kidding and laughter. Looking back, I think that may have been my parents' greatest gift to their sons.
Kindness. Bishop Fulton Sheen once said that the Christian faith can be summed up in three words: "kindness, kindness, and kindness." Being realistic, we all have personality faults of one kind or another. Few homes will be constantly peaceful at all times, and a good family is not necessarily a perfect family. A good family is one in which we learn to live together, accepting each other's failings provided we're all working on them, but it's also a place where we have learned to say, "I'm sorry," and where we try to do better next time. Life is stressful for most people these days. We all know that working hard out there in the world and maintaining a home in the process isn't always easy. We'll make our mistakes, say things we wish we hadn't, and fall short at times. But kindness to others means we acknowledge our failings and, above all, make sure we don't impose pain and unhappiness on other family members because of our own selfishness. A warm hug and a whispered "I love you" can heal a lot of hurts.
Ann Landers occasionally prints "Mother's Prayer" by Marjorie Holmes. In it, Mother, after putting her little ones to bed, sits with her memories of the day and realizes how impatient she has been, how preoccupied with her own problems at times when her children needed her. Then she prays:
I can still see the fear in their eyes as they scurried around, trying to appease me -- thinking my anger and raving were their fault.
Oh God, the pathetic helplessness of children! Their innocence before the awful monster -- the enraged adult. And how forgiving they are -- hugging me so fervently, kissing me goodnight. All I can do is straighten a cover, touch a small head burrowed in a pillow and hope with all my heart that they will forgive me.
Lord, in failing these little ones whom you have put in my keeping, I am failing you. Please let your infinite patience and goodness replenish me for tomorrow. Amen.
Kindness means making home a place where everyone can heal from our wounds of the day, be together in love, and get our kids ready to face the world with optimism and courage.
Faith. The people who don't believe in some higher power beyond their own are destined to be sorry ones indeed. I have seen it over and over, people with deep faith standing firm before terrible tragedy, and others defeated by disappointment and tragedy because they knew nowhere to turn. Jesus said, "I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper, who will stay with you forever" (John 14:16). He said, "You will cry and weep ... you will be sad, but your sadness will turn into gladness ... That is how it is with you: now you are sad, but I will see you again, and your hearts will be filled with gladness" (John 16:20, 22). What a great promise to teach to our children as they prepare to face a sometimes dark and threatening world.
Where do children learn faith? Sunday school and church are indispensable. But I think Jesus chose a parent figure as a symbol for God because it's there that we will learn what love is. I believe that if Jesus were with us today, he would use the symbol of "mother" as well as that of "father." I would guess that for Curtis Martin his mother was a Christ figure. Of course it takes a lot of love to be the kind of mom or dad who can point the way to the love of God. But our first indication of the nature of love, that which is fulfilled in God, is learned at home. A number of years ago, a young woman wrote about her discovery of this truth. I have permission to share it.
Yesterday, I stopped by my family home to pick up a few belongings to take to my new apartment. I noticed my father was mowing the lawn. He'd stopped to rest and was perched on the edge of the old picnic table where our family used to eat together on pleasant summer evenings a long time ago. I couldn't help noticing how much the old man has aged. There were lines in his face and they ran across the back of his neck which was red from exertion. I hadn't realized how gray his hair has gotten, nor had I noticed the little bald spot near the top of his head where his hair is parted. In fact, I guess I hadn't noticed Dad much at all lately.
Last night, after some friends who had come for dinner had gone home, I thought about my dad and as I did, I experienced a strange sadness. Memories I'd thought long since put away with childhood flooded through my mind. I remembered -- my God, it was nearly fifteen years ago -- the time Dad drove forty miles one night to visit me at "Y" camp for ten minutes because I'd sneaked into the office and called home to say that I was desperately homesick and was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep.
I remembered the day our family went for a visit to the park at Wheately. My sister and I forgot to take our jackets, and when the temperature dropped in the afternoon and we started to complain, Dad gave Sarah his sweater and he wrapped his old, red plaid shirt around me and he walked the rest of the way in his t-shirt. I still feel the warmth of that old shirt with the faint smell of a man about it. And I remember Dad caught a slight cold and had to go out the next night to buy some cough medicine.
You know, it's funny -- I don't think I ever thought about this before -- Mom and Dad would send me regular checks when I was in college and they were enough to get by. I recall the long letter I sent Mom -- I didn't think Dad would understand -- I told her there were so many important things to be done at school that I just couldn't find time to earn the money to help pay my own way; and I was all the time going to meetings of the Campus Committee, and campaigning for office, and chairing the committee for racial equality in the dormitory system -- all of which I believe in -- but I never, until this minute, associated that with the time Dad told me they had decided to sell his little cabin near Blue Lake. And I remember telling my friends that my parents were irrelevant to the solving of today's problems because of their old-fashioned ideas.
And now, I think about my father, with his bad back, out there doing yard work and never, ever, complaining about how hard he's had to work and how much we three kids have cost him and Mom in money, and worry, and frustration and -- here's the point, isn't it? -- in love. That's it, and I don't think I ever really saw it that way before, though I guess deep down I should have. My dad really loves all of us and he always has. Through all the hectic, exciting, painful years of my growing up, I just suddenly realize, the old man never once let me down.
Much is said these days about "Family Values." I think Jesus would urge us to talk less and practice more. I believe, based on what I find in the Gospels, that Jesus would say we should see that in our families there are respect, loyalty, humor, kindness and faith. Jesus once said, "Your light must shine before people, so that they will see the good things you do and praise your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:16). Where better to practice that than at home?
Questions For Discussion
1. Do you believe your ideas about God are determined at all by childhood experiences?
2. If someone grows up in an unloving family, how can he or she break free from the damage?
3. If you have children, have you thought that as adults their ideas about God may be shaped by the way you treated them?
4. Can you think of other necessary qualities of good family life?
5. How do you practice discipline lovingly?
-- Emily, reliving a family scene at Grover's Corners after her death, in Our Town
* * *
Mother is loving
Mother is caring
Mother is thoughtful
Mother is sharing.
Mother is wonderful
Mother is kind
If I get muddy, Mother doesn't mind.
-- Ben Brown, aged nine
* * *
Breakfast is not a good time for teaching children universal philosophies, moral principles, or polite manners. It is an appropriate time for conveying to children that their home has a kitchen and dining room with a pleasant atmosphere and good food.
-- Dr. Haim Ginott, Between Parent And Child
Jesus And Family Life
"Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' "
-- Matthew 19:14
Curtis Martin grew up in one of America's most dangerous ghettos. His aunt was murdered, his father was long gone, most of young Curtis' boyhood friends are either dead or in prison or hooked on drugs. On one occasion, Curtis was "hangin' out" with some friends when a car drove by and unseen occupants opened fire with handguns. Young Curtis managed to get away unharmed, making his way home. His was typical of the tragic lives of so many young people living on the "mean streets" of a metropolitan city. There was a difference for Curtis, though. His mother. She was determined that her son would find a way out of the ghetto. She worked three jobs, dragging herself home exhausted night after night to fix meals, oversee homework, and see that motherly love was abundantly mixed with firm rules and expectations. Mom loved her son dearly, but there was no nonsense allowed. One way or another, she would see that her boy grew to be a young man with character.
Curtis Martin played football in high school and was good. He was good enough to win city-wide honors, and a scholarship to college, where again he was a star player. Then one day word came that Curtis' mother was dead. Murdered. The one person who had given him life and nurtured that life and helped direct that life along the right way was gone. Devastated by his loss, young Curtis Martin vowed to do something with his life that would make his mother proud. Those who knew him complimented not only his play on the field, but his character as well.
Curtis Martin was drafted by the New England Patriots of the National Football League. Wearing number 28, he became an all-star running back, so successful, in fact, that he took the Patriots to the Super Bowl. NBC recently featured his story in a television special prior to an important game. On the show, analyst Joe Gibbs said that this young man was making a success of his life on and off the field "because he wants to honor his mother."
* * *
Much is said these days about "Family Values." I think Jesus would urge us to talk less and practice more.
* * *
Family. Jesus didn't discuss that subject much directly. Family structures were quite different in those times. Children were definitely to be seen and not heard until reaching an age which today we call adolescence, at which time they were initiated into adult society -- at which point they nearly always discovered the main benefit of that to be that they must now work harder, longer hours. Through the centuries since, roles changed little and were very clear. Father was boss, responsible to bring home the means for a living. Mother was to bear and raise the children and run the house, father's primary role being that of disciplinarian. Children were to go to school, often under spartan conditions and subject to stern discipline. During many eras, most children went to work very early in life. During the Industrial Revolution, conditions for all but the small minority of wealthy families were extremely harsh.
Conditions improved some through the centuries, but we'd need to look at post-World War II to find the beginning of the redefinition of "family" to the place we are in America today. Dr. Spock introduced the startling thought that children should be dealt with permissively, an idea which was abused in the early going. I recall sitting on my porch one day, watching the little girl across the street ride her bike too fast around the corner and into the side of my car parked at the curb. Her dad, a young professional man, dashed across the street to see that she was unhurt, then congratulated her on her skillful avoidance of injury as they walked back to the house with nary a look at the side of my car (it had a scratch). That was in the late '50s.
Since that time, ideas of family life as to child-raising and role redefinition have evolved through the '60s when parents were frantically dressing and talking like their children, and many children were going off to college to burn down R.O.T.C. buildings and join "love-ins," through the '70s with panty raids and streaking, and finally into the '80s and '90s marked by growing drug and alcohol use and the blatant use of obscene language. In the face of all of this, let's try to make some reasonable observations about family life as Jesus might commend it today.
I write, of course, as a pastor, not a child psychologist. However, having raised a daughter during the era referred to above, and now being father of two teenagers (actually stepfather, but I feel like their father), along with two grandsons, together with many years of observation of church families, I have some ideas about what Jesus would say to us today about family life. Let's approach this with some key words.
Respect. America is currently in the throes of a crime and drug wave which I believe is directly related to the lack of respect between so many people. I believe this all starts with the way Mom and Dad treat each other, especially in front of children (and I realize many families today are not two parent families). Almost any psychologist will, I believe, agree that we all grow up having learned to relate to members of the opposite sex pretty much as we saw our parents relate. There is some room for disagreement between parents. There is not room, however, for disrespectful shouting or demeaning statements. That kind of conduct can start one down the road to divorce -- or a miserable life.
I know a woman who heard her parents quarrel when she was four or five years old. She sneaked down to the stair landing, and heard her mother say to her father, "I never wanted that kid anyway." Later counseling helped her understand that her mother was trying to hurt her husband, not her daughter. But children have no means to evaluate such statements. They believe what they hear and see. That woman has never totally recovered from a feeling of worthlessness because of what she heard. Jesus once said, "Let the children come to me, and do not stop them" (Luke 18:15-17). Jesus respected children. They were people. They had a right to be treated as valuable. Clearly, Jesus would tell us today to treat our children with respect. That doesn't mean we don't discipline, and it doesn't mean ten-year-olds should be allowed to interrupt conversations at a party, or that tantrums should be tolerated, or that small children should be taken to nice restaurants before they have learned to be quiet. Those things, in the long run, have the opposite effect. Firm, loving discipline is, in fact, part of respect for a child. Children who are treated in an overly permissive manner generally have their comeuppance sooner or later. Respect means we treat their opinions as important and their welfare as equal to our own in importance.
I have vivid memories of long discussions over the dinner table when I was a teenager. My parents were educated people and I'm sure, if Mother were here today, she would confirm my memory that both my brother and I were incurable know-it-alls when we were kids. But we never were treated as though our opinions were any less valid than those of my mother and father. We always discussed as equals and dinner was always great fun (they, of course, had other ways of reminding us that they were the parents and we were the kids). I should add, my gentle good-spirited dad, who had been captain of the boxing team in college, though he never laid a hand on us in anger, made it clear that we would always treat him and mother with respect. I don't recall ever being tempted to do otherwise.
* * *
"A child's secrets must be respected. To refuse a child the right to have a secret is to deny him that of becoming a person."
-- Dr. Haim Ginott, child psychologist
* * *
Loyalty. Children need to learn this: people who are loyal are people who are trusted. This doesn't mean a parent gets upset with teacher if a criticism comes home from school (a good parent supports the teacher all the way). It means we are there for each other, no matter what. It means a set of family values to which everyone adheres. It means we can trust each other. Children need to learn that breaking a trust is like breaking a mirror -- it's very difficult to repair the damage. This needs to be taught early, but teaching it is best done by living it. Children who hear a parent lie on the telephone, or who discover that someone didn't keep a promise, or hear Dad make a fool of himself at a little league game, are probably going to do likewise as time goes on.
Loyalty means living out a set of values worthy of the family name, so that those who come later will always have reason to be proud, and it also means honoring those who have gone before. In The Bird's Christmas Carol, Mrs. Ruggles reminds the children, before they go to the Bird's house for Christmas dinner: "Do not forget that your uncle is a McBrill." Instead of telling them to use good manners, she was reminding them that their family had a fine reputation and they were to behave accordingly.
Humor. Recent studies have shown that a good laugh actually releases important chemicals in the body which heal illness and lengthen life. People who can't laugh, especially at themselves, must miss a lot of happiness. They probably also have higher stress levels than other people. I have no idea whether good humor is genetic or learned behavior, but I have to think that when Mom and Dad can have fun together, children learn to do the same.
Leo Buscaglia wrote of the time his father came home to announce that his partner had absconded with all the company money and he didn't even know where their next meal would come from. Buscaglia said his mother burst out laughing, the whole scenario having struck her funny. She then put on her coat and left, returning some time later with a large bag of groceries. She proceeded to make a banquet "such as we have for a baptism, or a wedding." When Dad asked what was going on, Mom replied that she had spent all the remaining money at the grocery. "You're crazy," said Mr. Buscaglia. And his wife replied, "The time we need joy is now not later. This is the time we need to be happy. Shut up and eat."
They all laughed after that. Professor Buscaglia said his dad lived to be 86 and they all survived the many difficulties of an Italian family in America because they could find humor even in the face of disaster.
We teach each other to smile and laugh by doing so, even when things aren't going well. I recall my early years, just after the Great Depression. My father was struggling to sell insurance while recovering from serious injuries suffered in an automobile accident. As a little boy I came in one evening to a "surprise candlelight dinner." It seems a grocery company in which my dad had invested some money was bankrupt, partly because their warehouse had flooded and there was no insurance. Dad had loaded his car with canned goods which were undamaged except for the fact that all the labels had been washed off the cans. So, we had a large cabinet filled with unidentified canned goods.
On this particular evening, our electricity had been turned off because my parents couldn't pay the light bill. No one, however, treated this as anything but a lark. Mother found some candles, then opened some cans which turned out to be cherries and corn, and that, along with some bread, was our dinner, and it was fun. Better days were ahead, but I can't remember many evenings in my home that weren't the scene of friendly kidding and laughter. Looking back, I think that may have been my parents' greatest gift to their sons.
Kindness. Bishop Fulton Sheen once said that the Christian faith can be summed up in three words: "kindness, kindness, and kindness." Being realistic, we all have personality faults of one kind or another. Few homes will be constantly peaceful at all times, and a good family is not necessarily a perfect family. A good family is one in which we learn to live together, accepting each other's failings provided we're all working on them, but it's also a place where we have learned to say, "I'm sorry," and where we try to do better next time. Life is stressful for most people these days. We all know that working hard out there in the world and maintaining a home in the process isn't always easy. We'll make our mistakes, say things we wish we hadn't, and fall short at times. But kindness to others means we acknowledge our failings and, above all, make sure we don't impose pain and unhappiness on other family members because of our own selfishness. A warm hug and a whispered "I love you" can heal a lot of hurts.
Ann Landers occasionally prints "Mother's Prayer" by Marjorie Holmes. In it, Mother, after putting her little ones to bed, sits with her memories of the day and realizes how impatient she has been, how preoccupied with her own problems at times when her children needed her. Then she prays:
I can still see the fear in their eyes as they scurried around, trying to appease me -- thinking my anger and raving were their fault.
Oh God, the pathetic helplessness of children! Their innocence before the awful monster -- the enraged adult. And how forgiving they are -- hugging me so fervently, kissing me goodnight. All I can do is straighten a cover, touch a small head burrowed in a pillow and hope with all my heart that they will forgive me.
Lord, in failing these little ones whom you have put in my keeping, I am failing you. Please let your infinite patience and goodness replenish me for tomorrow. Amen.
Kindness means making home a place where everyone can heal from our wounds of the day, be together in love, and get our kids ready to face the world with optimism and courage.
Faith. The people who don't believe in some higher power beyond their own are destined to be sorry ones indeed. I have seen it over and over, people with deep faith standing firm before terrible tragedy, and others defeated by disappointment and tragedy because they knew nowhere to turn. Jesus said, "I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper, who will stay with you forever" (John 14:16). He said, "You will cry and weep ... you will be sad, but your sadness will turn into gladness ... That is how it is with you: now you are sad, but I will see you again, and your hearts will be filled with gladness" (John 16:20, 22). What a great promise to teach to our children as they prepare to face a sometimes dark and threatening world.
Where do children learn faith? Sunday school and church are indispensable. But I think Jesus chose a parent figure as a symbol for God because it's there that we will learn what love is. I believe that if Jesus were with us today, he would use the symbol of "mother" as well as that of "father." I would guess that for Curtis Martin his mother was a Christ figure. Of course it takes a lot of love to be the kind of mom or dad who can point the way to the love of God. But our first indication of the nature of love, that which is fulfilled in God, is learned at home. A number of years ago, a young woman wrote about her discovery of this truth. I have permission to share it.
Yesterday, I stopped by my family home to pick up a few belongings to take to my new apartment. I noticed my father was mowing the lawn. He'd stopped to rest and was perched on the edge of the old picnic table where our family used to eat together on pleasant summer evenings a long time ago. I couldn't help noticing how much the old man has aged. There were lines in his face and they ran across the back of his neck which was red from exertion. I hadn't realized how gray his hair has gotten, nor had I noticed the little bald spot near the top of his head where his hair is parted. In fact, I guess I hadn't noticed Dad much at all lately.
Last night, after some friends who had come for dinner had gone home, I thought about my dad and as I did, I experienced a strange sadness. Memories I'd thought long since put away with childhood flooded through my mind. I remembered -- my God, it was nearly fifteen years ago -- the time Dad drove forty miles one night to visit me at "Y" camp for ten minutes because I'd sneaked into the office and called home to say that I was desperately homesick and was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep.
I remembered the day our family went for a visit to the park at Wheately. My sister and I forgot to take our jackets, and when the temperature dropped in the afternoon and we started to complain, Dad gave Sarah his sweater and he wrapped his old, red plaid shirt around me and he walked the rest of the way in his t-shirt. I still feel the warmth of that old shirt with the faint smell of a man about it. And I remember Dad caught a slight cold and had to go out the next night to buy some cough medicine.
You know, it's funny -- I don't think I ever thought about this before -- Mom and Dad would send me regular checks when I was in college and they were enough to get by. I recall the long letter I sent Mom -- I didn't think Dad would understand -- I told her there were so many important things to be done at school that I just couldn't find time to earn the money to help pay my own way; and I was all the time going to meetings of the Campus Committee, and campaigning for office, and chairing the committee for racial equality in the dormitory system -- all of which I believe in -- but I never, until this minute, associated that with the time Dad told me they had decided to sell his little cabin near Blue Lake. And I remember telling my friends that my parents were irrelevant to the solving of today's problems because of their old-fashioned ideas.
And now, I think about my father, with his bad back, out there doing yard work and never, ever, complaining about how hard he's had to work and how much we three kids have cost him and Mom in money, and worry, and frustration and -- here's the point, isn't it? -- in love. That's it, and I don't think I ever really saw it that way before, though I guess deep down I should have. My dad really loves all of us and he always has. Through all the hectic, exciting, painful years of my growing up, I just suddenly realize, the old man never once let me down.
Much is said these days about "Family Values." I think Jesus would urge us to talk less and practice more. I believe, based on what I find in the Gospels, that Jesus would say we should see that in our families there are respect, loyalty, humor, kindness and faith. Jesus once said, "Your light must shine before people, so that they will see the good things you do and praise your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:16). Where better to practice that than at home?
Questions For Discussion
1. Do you believe your ideas about God are determined at all by childhood experiences?
2. If someone grows up in an unloving family, how can he or she break free from the damage?
3. If you have children, have you thought that as adults their ideas about God may be shaped by the way you treated them?
4. Can you think of other necessary qualities of good family life?
5. How do you practice discipline lovingly?
