Marriage: Endearing And Enduring
Sermon
THIS NEW LIFE TOGETHER
An Anthology Of Wedding Meditations
For A Medical Student
Life has a way of challenging us with new beginnings. Some are well planned like this marriage. But many are unplanned, even unpredictable, like an illness, a forced job change or any other unpredictable thing that requires major adjustments. But in all cases new beginnings provide us the occasion to assess and reassess where we are in life. We are here today celebrating a beginning for __________ and __________. The bride and groom will pardon me if I sound a bit crude, but it may just feel like an ending to them. They have made it distinctly clear to me that they have been ''waiting'' for this for seven years or longer.
Call it what you will, what we do right now marks the end of a preparation which was marked by friendship and suspense, courtship and planning, waiting and longing. It becomes the ''rite of passage'' into what we call marriage, and, believe me, that will have no less of the same elements of friendship and suspense, courtship and planning, waiting and longing, and a catalogue of other ingredients that can produce growth if handled rightly. It can produce death if handled improperly.
__________ and __________, I am happy to tell you that you have provided each one of us a grand and colorful opportunity to assess our own status in life. This occasion enables each of us to evaluate where we have been in life and where we are going. And it matters not whether we are married or single, young or old, employed or unemployed, this occasion enables us to focus on those positive values that build character and the ingredients that make intimate personal relationships endearing and enduring.
The first thing we look for in a healthy marriage is some kind of equality of sharing. And when I say sharing, I don't mean a 50--50 deal. I don't even mean a 100--100 deal. I am thinking of a relationship where each of you make a 60--40 commitment. You give 60 percent and expect 40 percent. When each does that, you'll end up with an overlap of commitment, a healthy merging of interests and enthusiasm which cuts through the barriers and conflicts that can occur in such an intimate bonding.
Another ingredient for a healthy marriage involves how to keep the individuality that makes you who you are. Some conclude that once they are married all they need is each other. Sounds good. Feels good for a while.
''Variety is the spice of life,'' though. We assume you will do a variety of things together. What I am going to say may sound strange, but just for a moment. I ask you to think of a boxing ring. I am sure you have already guessed, if you didn't already know, that I am not a boxer. But it's like this: if you are going to be skillful at anything - medicine, management, computers, flying, boxing, nursing, music, art, sports, gardening, and yes, being a person - whatever it may be - you have your own practice room. And so I ask you to picture in your mind a boxing ring.
__________, you must have your own practice room. It is your room. __________ cannot get into your room. You can bring other persons into your room with you but she cannot enter it. This is where you do all kinds of things affirming and being affirmed. You have exchanges with others that enrich your life and affirm your identity.
And then, __________, you have your practice room. It is all yours. __________ cannot get into your room. But you can invite others into it. In your room you do the things that make you feel good about yourself and give you a sense of personal identity and security. It enriches your life.
Then in the middle, __________ and __________ have their own practice room, twice the size of the other rooms. In this larger room is where you share your lives together. What goes
on here is your business, and nobody else's. Here is where you will share all your intimacies. Much of it will be joyful. We have to promise you, however, that some of it will be painful. Have you ever seen a rose garden that has no weeds or thorns? I am sure you hope, and we all hope with you, that your garden can be handled in such a way as to nurture and build a relationship that is endearing and enduring, capable of adjusting to the changes life will bring.
Let me extend this boxing ring analogy a bit. If you only have the center ring, and not your private practice rooms too - never have interests apart from each other - then you stand the chance, a very big chance, that this thing we call marriage can fast become boring and routine and familiar. The psychologists say it this way: you have to keep resistance alive in a healthy and growing relationship.
Finally, how can I talk about what we call trust without sounding parental? It's just the way it is: you have to be able to trust each other to go into his or her own private practice room, or boxing ring, for that is where each of you will continually be enriched and enabled to bring back to the center ring, some freshness, some variety, and some real unearned charm. We don't want to see you cloning each other.
If there is ever an inkling of a problem, consider it an SOS signal. Don't let an SOS threaten a vital relationship. The moment an SOS signal appears, begin a process of triage. Get all the help needed. ''Nip it in the bud,'' and it won't become malignant.
We are about to let it begin. In support of your wish to make all your dreams come true, I hereby ask you to turn toward each other, join your right hands, look each other in the eye, and make your vows.
Charles R. Leary is a retired Episcopal clergyman in Medway, Ohio.
Life has a way of challenging us with new beginnings. Some are well planned like this marriage. But many are unplanned, even unpredictable, like an illness, a forced job change or any other unpredictable thing that requires major adjustments. But in all cases new beginnings provide us the occasion to assess and reassess where we are in life. We are here today celebrating a beginning for __________ and __________. The bride and groom will pardon me if I sound a bit crude, but it may just feel like an ending to them. They have made it distinctly clear to me that they have been ''waiting'' for this for seven years or longer.
Call it what you will, what we do right now marks the end of a preparation which was marked by friendship and suspense, courtship and planning, waiting and longing. It becomes the ''rite of passage'' into what we call marriage, and, believe me, that will have no less of the same elements of friendship and suspense, courtship and planning, waiting and longing, and a catalogue of other ingredients that can produce growth if handled rightly. It can produce death if handled improperly.
__________ and __________, I am happy to tell you that you have provided each one of us a grand and colorful opportunity to assess our own status in life. This occasion enables each of us to evaluate where we have been in life and where we are going. And it matters not whether we are married or single, young or old, employed or unemployed, this occasion enables us to focus on those positive values that build character and the ingredients that make intimate personal relationships endearing and enduring.
The first thing we look for in a healthy marriage is some kind of equality of sharing. And when I say sharing, I don't mean a 50--50 deal. I don't even mean a 100--100 deal. I am thinking of a relationship where each of you make a 60--40 commitment. You give 60 percent and expect 40 percent. When each does that, you'll end up with an overlap of commitment, a healthy merging of interests and enthusiasm which cuts through the barriers and conflicts that can occur in such an intimate bonding.
Another ingredient for a healthy marriage involves how to keep the individuality that makes you who you are. Some conclude that once they are married all they need is each other. Sounds good. Feels good for a while.
''Variety is the spice of life,'' though. We assume you will do a variety of things together. What I am going to say may sound strange, but just for a moment. I ask you to think of a boxing ring. I am sure you have already guessed, if you didn't already know, that I am not a boxer. But it's like this: if you are going to be skillful at anything - medicine, management, computers, flying, boxing, nursing, music, art, sports, gardening, and yes, being a person - whatever it may be - you have your own practice room. And so I ask you to picture in your mind a boxing ring.
__________, you must have your own practice room. It is your room. __________ cannot get into your room. You can bring other persons into your room with you but she cannot enter it. This is where you do all kinds of things affirming and being affirmed. You have exchanges with others that enrich your life and affirm your identity.
And then, __________, you have your practice room. It is all yours. __________ cannot get into your room. But you can invite others into it. In your room you do the things that make you feel good about yourself and give you a sense of personal identity and security. It enriches your life.
Then in the middle, __________ and __________ have their own practice room, twice the size of the other rooms. In this larger room is where you share your lives together. What goes
on here is your business, and nobody else's. Here is where you will share all your intimacies. Much of it will be joyful. We have to promise you, however, that some of it will be painful. Have you ever seen a rose garden that has no weeds or thorns? I am sure you hope, and we all hope with you, that your garden can be handled in such a way as to nurture and build a relationship that is endearing and enduring, capable of adjusting to the changes life will bring.
Let me extend this boxing ring analogy a bit. If you only have the center ring, and not your private practice rooms too - never have interests apart from each other - then you stand the chance, a very big chance, that this thing we call marriage can fast become boring and routine and familiar. The psychologists say it this way: you have to keep resistance alive in a healthy and growing relationship.
Finally, how can I talk about what we call trust without sounding parental? It's just the way it is: you have to be able to trust each other to go into his or her own private practice room, or boxing ring, for that is where each of you will continually be enriched and enabled to bring back to the center ring, some freshness, some variety, and some real unearned charm. We don't want to see you cloning each other.
If there is ever an inkling of a problem, consider it an SOS signal. Don't let an SOS threaten a vital relationship. The moment an SOS signal appears, begin a process of triage. Get all the help needed. ''Nip it in the bud,'' and it won't become malignant.
We are about to let it begin. In support of your wish to make all your dreams come true, I hereby ask you to turn toward each other, join your right hands, look each other in the eye, and make your vows.
Charles R. Leary is a retired Episcopal clergyman in Medway, Ohio.
