The Smart Ass
Stories
Seldom-Told Bible Tales
Fifteen Eye-Opening Stories from the Bible
Object:
Nestled in the foothills of the Abarim Mountains, on the eastern side of the Dead Sea, there lived an unfriendly tribe of Moabites. Small in numbers and militarily weak, they were understandably frightened when the vast throng of Israelites settled on their border. Israel made no overtures to harm the Moabites and calmly explained they were merely passing through on their way to Jericho.
The people of Moab and their chief, Balak, did not accept Israel's explanation and continued to fear an invasion. Since Balak was a strong believer in magical tricks and the art of casting spells upon one's enemies, he conceived a plan to protect his people. After consulting with his perceptive father, Zippor, he dispatched messengers to Balaam, a famous diviner who lived many miles to the south along the Euphrates River.
The messengers carried a sealed letter. It read:
Dear Mr. Balaam,
Please come to us in the company of the messengers I have sent to you. We are in danger of being attacked by a detested horde of Wandering Hebrews. I will pay you well to cast a curse on them and thus immobilize their troops from invading our territory.
Sincerely,
Balak
When the message was delivered, Balaam replied, "I cannot go with you immediately, and perhaps not at all. Stay with me overnight and I will do whatever God commands." During the night, God forbade Balaam to accompany the messengers on this nefarious journey to curse the Israelites. "You will not curse them," God said, "for they are a blessed people."
In the morning, Balaam informed his guests he could not fulfill their request. They pleaded but he bluntly replied, "I will not go." The messengers returned to Moab and reported to Balak that Balaam had turned down his plea. Balak was a persistent man, however. On the following day, he sent a distinguished group of his finest princes to Balaam with the same request and a promise of more money.
When the message was relayed a second time, Balaam replied, "Even if Balak gives me a house full of gold and silver, I will do nothing against my God." He also invited these messengers to lodge until morning, in case God would speak to him again during the night with a favorable message.
Shortly before dawn he received a divine communique. To his surprise, God said, "You may go with them; but do exactly as I say." His guests were awakened amidst great rejoicing and celebrated with a sunrise breakfast. Balaam kissed his wife and children, saddled his faithful ass, and, with his guests showing the way, set out for Moab.
During the course of the long journey, Balaam was so excessively idolized by the Moabite princes that he steadily grew proud of heart. Soon he had forgotten his promise to obey God and joined with his fellow travelers in their accusations and evil threats against the Israelites. Thus it was that God changed his mind about Balaam's visit and decided he should return home.
A flame-robed angel, armed with a silver sword was immediately dispatched to stop his passage to the land of Moab. With the speed of thought, the fleet-winged creature obediently stationed himself in the middle of the road with his drawn sword glistening in the afternoon sun. The eyes of Balaam were mysteriously prevented from seeing the angel, but his ass' vision remained excellent. Horribly frightened, the poor animal lunged through the air, clearing a four-foot fence, jumped a ditch, and ran wildly into a field. Balaam, who had been laughing and drinking with his newly made friends, screamed in total panic as they hurdled the fence, then fell headlong into the ditch. When the Moabites retrieved the animal, a badly shaken Balaam, raging with anger, beat her severely on the head and ribs with a heavy club.
It did not occur to him that he should consider this bizarre happening as a sign to return home, so he continued north toward Moab. The angel was setting up his second obstacle, this time barring the way in a narrow passage between a stone wall and a thick vineyard. Urged on by her master, the animal approached the angel with grave fear but she feared more another clubbing over the head. In her effort to avoid the drawn sword she twisted sideways and painfully scraped her master's left leg against the sharp stone wall. For this she received another cursing and beating.
Balaam was furious, but all the more determined this donkey would deliver him to Moab. The angel, equally determined that the donkey would not, set his third roadblock. He positioned himself directly in the center of a very small gateway leading through a stone wall, with his sword pointing directly at Balaam's heart. Spying the angel for the third time, the trembling donkey jumped in terror, cowered, and turned back, despite a merciless beating.
Then God miraculously enabled the ass to speak in her defense. "Why do you keep beating me, you idiot?" she screamed.
Undaunted by his talking donkey, Balaam, now standing on the ground, directly faced the animal and said, "Because you're acting like a complete ass. That's why!" He raised his hand to strike her in the face. "If I had a sword," he shouted, shaking his fist, "I'd kill you on this very spot."
No sooner had he spoken, than his eyes for the first time beheld the face of the flame-robed angel with his silver sword still pointed toward his heart. He fell to the ground trembling in absolute horror. "Why did you not understand my messages and return home, you stupid fool?" the angel shouted. "You're also terribly mean, one of the meanest men I've ever seen, to severely beat your faithful donkey."
In his panic, Balaam had crawled in the dirt away from the angel, then struggled to his feet but was too frightened to speak. The angel continued, "Don't you know your animal saved your life by turning back? Had she continued as you urged, I would have killed you for your proud and boastful heart on this rash journey."
Balaam, now feeling sincerely sorry, tenderly patted his dear donkey's nose and managed to question the angel, "Shall I return home now?"
"You may continue on," was the stern reply. "But remember to do exactly what God tells you. This is your last warning."
Balaam concluded his mission by granting the Israelites a rich blessing rather than a curse. For his part, Balak exceedingly regretted that he had ever summoned his diviner to the land of Moab. Not only did he receive no pay for his long and adventuresome journey, Balaam was further humiliated as the entire populace brandished clubs and hurled stones, literally running him out of town. The Israelites offered him protection and, after duly thanking him for his blessings, granted him safe passage through hostile territory.
The moral of the story is:
If while on a doubtful mission
On your donkey you should roam
And confront a flaming angel --
Better get your ass back home!
Read Numbers 22
The people of Moab and their chief, Balak, did not accept Israel's explanation and continued to fear an invasion. Since Balak was a strong believer in magical tricks and the art of casting spells upon one's enemies, he conceived a plan to protect his people. After consulting with his perceptive father, Zippor, he dispatched messengers to Balaam, a famous diviner who lived many miles to the south along the Euphrates River.
The messengers carried a sealed letter. It read:
Dear Mr. Balaam,
Please come to us in the company of the messengers I have sent to you. We are in danger of being attacked by a detested horde of Wandering Hebrews. I will pay you well to cast a curse on them and thus immobilize their troops from invading our territory.
Sincerely,
Balak
When the message was delivered, Balaam replied, "I cannot go with you immediately, and perhaps not at all. Stay with me overnight and I will do whatever God commands." During the night, God forbade Balaam to accompany the messengers on this nefarious journey to curse the Israelites. "You will not curse them," God said, "for they are a blessed people."
In the morning, Balaam informed his guests he could not fulfill their request. They pleaded but he bluntly replied, "I will not go." The messengers returned to Moab and reported to Balak that Balaam had turned down his plea. Balak was a persistent man, however. On the following day, he sent a distinguished group of his finest princes to Balaam with the same request and a promise of more money.
When the message was relayed a second time, Balaam replied, "Even if Balak gives me a house full of gold and silver, I will do nothing against my God." He also invited these messengers to lodge until morning, in case God would speak to him again during the night with a favorable message.
Shortly before dawn he received a divine communique. To his surprise, God said, "You may go with them; but do exactly as I say." His guests were awakened amidst great rejoicing and celebrated with a sunrise breakfast. Balaam kissed his wife and children, saddled his faithful ass, and, with his guests showing the way, set out for Moab.
During the course of the long journey, Balaam was so excessively idolized by the Moabite princes that he steadily grew proud of heart. Soon he had forgotten his promise to obey God and joined with his fellow travelers in their accusations and evil threats against the Israelites. Thus it was that God changed his mind about Balaam's visit and decided he should return home.
A flame-robed angel, armed with a silver sword was immediately dispatched to stop his passage to the land of Moab. With the speed of thought, the fleet-winged creature obediently stationed himself in the middle of the road with his drawn sword glistening in the afternoon sun. The eyes of Balaam were mysteriously prevented from seeing the angel, but his ass' vision remained excellent. Horribly frightened, the poor animal lunged through the air, clearing a four-foot fence, jumped a ditch, and ran wildly into a field. Balaam, who had been laughing and drinking with his newly made friends, screamed in total panic as they hurdled the fence, then fell headlong into the ditch. When the Moabites retrieved the animal, a badly shaken Balaam, raging with anger, beat her severely on the head and ribs with a heavy club.
It did not occur to him that he should consider this bizarre happening as a sign to return home, so he continued north toward Moab. The angel was setting up his second obstacle, this time barring the way in a narrow passage between a stone wall and a thick vineyard. Urged on by her master, the animal approached the angel with grave fear but she feared more another clubbing over the head. In her effort to avoid the drawn sword she twisted sideways and painfully scraped her master's left leg against the sharp stone wall. For this she received another cursing and beating.
Balaam was furious, but all the more determined this donkey would deliver him to Moab. The angel, equally determined that the donkey would not, set his third roadblock. He positioned himself directly in the center of a very small gateway leading through a stone wall, with his sword pointing directly at Balaam's heart. Spying the angel for the third time, the trembling donkey jumped in terror, cowered, and turned back, despite a merciless beating.
Then God miraculously enabled the ass to speak in her defense. "Why do you keep beating me, you idiot?" she screamed.
Undaunted by his talking donkey, Balaam, now standing on the ground, directly faced the animal and said, "Because you're acting like a complete ass. That's why!" He raised his hand to strike her in the face. "If I had a sword," he shouted, shaking his fist, "I'd kill you on this very spot."
No sooner had he spoken, than his eyes for the first time beheld the face of the flame-robed angel with his silver sword still pointed toward his heart. He fell to the ground trembling in absolute horror. "Why did you not understand my messages and return home, you stupid fool?" the angel shouted. "You're also terribly mean, one of the meanest men I've ever seen, to severely beat your faithful donkey."
In his panic, Balaam had crawled in the dirt away from the angel, then struggled to his feet but was too frightened to speak. The angel continued, "Don't you know your animal saved your life by turning back? Had she continued as you urged, I would have killed you for your proud and boastful heart on this rash journey."
Balaam, now feeling sincerely sorry, tenderly patted his dear donkey's nose and managed to question the angel, "Shall I return home now?"
"You may continue on," was the stern reply. "But remember to do exactly what God tells you. This is your last warning."
Balaam concluded his mission by granting the Israelites a rich blessing rather than a curse. For his part, Balak exceedingly regretted that he had ever summoned his diviner to the land of Moab. Not only did he receive no pay for his long and adventuresome journey, Balaam was further humiliated as the entire populace brandished clubs and hurled stones, literally running him out of town. The Israelites offered him protection and, after duly thanking him for his blessings, granted him safe passage through hostile territory.
The moral of the story is:
If while on a doubtful mission
On your donkey you should roam
And confront a flaming angel --
Better get your ass back home!
Read Numbers 22
