Like A Thief
Drama
Lectionary Scenes
57 Vignettes For Cycle A
Theme
We can be so heavenly minded that we are no earthly good.
Summary
Minny, a Christian woman, is preparing for bed as a thief enters. She mistakes the thief for Jesus coming back to take her to heaven. Dan, the thief, takes the opportunity to rob her of everything of value in the house.
Playing Time: 4-5 minutes
Setting: A neutral playing area that represents Minny's home, with a screen for the thief to hide behind
Props: A black garbage bag
Costumes: Minny -- Pajamas, bathrobe, hair curlers
Dan -- all black clothes and black sneakers
Time: The present
Cast: MINNY -- a Christian woman
DAN -- a thief
MINNY: (ENTERS DRESSED FOR BED, HAIR UP IN CURLERS) Why can't he ever check the doors? What is it with this guy? He gets to bed and all he can think about is sleep.
I remember how he used to talk to me for hours on the phone when we were dating -- now if I get so much as a "I'm home," from him I'm lucky. Yesterday all he said to me was, "While you're up, will you get me a glass of root beer and change the channel?"
He's a psychiatrist, for Pete's sake. He talks to people all day. He solves their problems. That's it. That's the answer. I should visit him at his office and pay him. Maybe he'd talk to me then.
Let's see, I checked the back door. Is the cat in? She's probably down in the basement.
Doggone you, Bill, you sleepy head. I wanted to tell you about what Bob Devine said on the radio today, about the end times, about how the Lord was going to come back. And what do I do? I end up talking to myself.
Bob Devine said no one knows when Jesus might return. It could be any time. And we must be prepared for His return, he said. He didn't say how we should prepare, though.
Did I check the front door? I better look for the cat out front and then I'll lock the basement door. (SHE EXITS)
DAN: (ENTERS. HE IS A BURGLAR, CARRYING A BAG FOR HIS LOOT) Good thing that basement door was open. Some people make it so easy for me. This looks like a likely place. Lots of silver. Probably lots of jewelry too. Oh oh, I guess they're still up roaming around. I better make myself scarce. I hope they dust. I'm allergic to dust. (HE DUCKS BEHIND A SCREEN AS MINNY ENTERS BUT IN HIS HASTE DROPS HIS BAG.)
MINNY: That cat must be in here somewhere. Here, kitty, kitty. Oh well, let her stay out all night, we can probably give the kittens away to someone. (FINDING DAN'S BAG) What's this doing here? Doggone you, Bill, there can't be a sloppier husband than you. Just an empty bag. (DAN SNEEZES)
Lord? Is that you? Did you come for me, Lord? This is it, huh, Lord? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to wake Bill up?
DAN: Uh, no, no, don't do that!
MINNY: But don't you want to take him to heaven, too?
DAN: Who, me? Uh, gee, I don't know.
MINNY: Do you mean you're just taking me?
DAN: Uh, yeah, I guess so.
MINNY: Lord, you're a little unsure of yourself. Lord, what's bothering you? Is it because I haven't read my Bible like I said I was going to? Is that it? I usually remember to pray every day. I've got Bill used to prayer before meals. That's pretty good, isn't it, Lord? (NO ANSWER) Lord? Are you still there?
DAN: Yeah, sure. I was just thinking.
MINNY: Oh, that's all right, Lord. You were probably thinking about whether I should wake Bill or not, right. He'll be awful mad if he wakes up in the morning and I haven't cooked his oatmeal for him. He loves his hot oatmeal in the morning, with a little milk in it and butter ...
DAN: No, no, that's all right. We don't want to bother him.
MINNY: Oh, I get it. You want people to be watching for your coming all the time so they'll be ready, like I was ready for you tonight. That sleepy head Bill was not ready was he? Well, I'm ready to go. (CLOSING HER EYES AND EXPECTING SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. NOTHING DOES) Lord, I'm ready to do whatever you tell me to do. What do you want me to do?
DAN: Uh, I don't know. Uh, well, let's see. You might start by filling up that bag, there ...
MINNY: This one?
DAN: Yes, that's it. Just fill that up with your best silver and jewelry.
MINNY: Are you kidding? Oh, sorry, Lord. Of course you're not kidding. I didn't mean that. My silver? My jewelry? Why?
DAN: Uh, gee, uh, need you ask?
MINNY: Oh, I get it. You're testing me. Just like you tested Abraham. I know. You're going to provide a ram in the bushes, aren't you?
DAN: Huh?
MINNY: The ram in the bushes. You know.
DAN: Oh, the getaway car. Yeah, it's running outside.
MINNY: Oh, Lord, you're so clever. I didn't dream you'd be so, well, uh, down to earth, so natural. I thought you'd speak in "thees" and "thous" and say things like "verily, verily, I say unto thee." But you're so, uh, like one of us. Well, you would be, wouldn't you? You are one of us, so to speak. Getaway car, that's good. That's how we're going home, eh? How cute, a getaway car. Oh, I better get busy with my jewelry and silver. Anything else I should put in the bag?
DAN: Well, do you have any coins?
MINNY: Yes, you know we do. Bill has that old coin collection in the safe. He never gets it out any more. You know how he loves that collection. He says it's worth millions. Why of course you'd want that, wouldn't you. You want us to love you more than silver or gold. I get it. I get it.
DAN: Well, get it!
MINNY: Oh, Lord, you're so funny. Okay, okay. Oh, it's going to be such fun in heaven with you. You'll be cracking jokes all eternity. All the saints will be rolling in the clouds. I bet you keep the angels in stitches. (SHE EXITS)
DAN: (APPEARING FROM BEHIND SCREEN) Boy, oh boy. What a dame. She's driving me crazy. But it's the first time I get the help of the victim. Maybe I ought to just rob Christians from now on. I liked the bit about the ram in the bushes. (LAUGHING TO HIMSELF) Getaway car. (LAUGHING)
Oh, here she is back again. (HE DUCKS BEHIND THE SCREEN)
MINNY: (ENTERS) Hey, Lord. I was talking to you. Why can't you hear me when I'm in the other room? Oh, I get it. It must be because when we had those Bible studies we had them in here. Well, anyway. I wondered if you wanted all our credit cards?
DAN: Uh, yeah. Why not?
MINNY: That's what I thought you'd say. Why not! (EMPTYING HER WALLET OF CREDIT CARDS) Oh, I almost forgot, here's some loose bills I had and I cleaned out Bill's wallet too. I even know where he keeps some money hidden away in the freezer. Of course you knew that, didn't you? Well, here it all is in the bag. I guess I'm about ready to go. I decided not to take the time to fix my hair or change clothes or anything. I guess you know me pretty well, huh, Lord? Well, like I say, I'm ready. (SHE CLOSES HER EYES EXPECTING SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. DAN STEALS OUT FROM BEHIND THE SCREEN AND TRIES TO TAKE THE BAG BUT MINNY IS HOLDING IT TIGHTLY. HE RETURNS TO HIS HIDING PLACE)
DAN: Uh, you'll have to let the bag go, now.
MINNY: Let it go?
DAN: Yes, let it go.
MINNY: Oh, I get it. We have to release all our worldly possessions into your loving hands.
DAN: Yeah, you might say that.
MINNY: Okay, I'm releasing it all to you, Lord.
DAN: Good. Now, just relax and remember to keep your eyes closed.
MINNY: Okay. Oh, I get it. You want me to soar through the clouds but you're afraid I might get sick. Sure, Lord. I'm ready. (DAN BEGINS TO EXIT) Ohhh, it does feel like I'm flying. Yes, of course I am.
DAN: Don't open your eyes. Don't look down. Keep your eyes shut. There, that's a good little Christian. Keep your eyes shut. Good. Good.
MINNY: Lord, it seems like your voice is getting farther away. Why is that?
DAN: (RUNNING BACK BEHIND THE SCREEN) Because .... uh ....
MINNY: Oh, I get it. I have to trust that you are there even when I can't hear you.
DAN: Yes, that's it exactly. Now, just trust me and keep your eyes closed.
MINNY: Oh, I will. But, Lord, won't you say something to me, something I can remember in heaven?
DAN: Huh? Oh sure. Uh, how about this, "The Lord helps those who help themselves."
MINNY: Oh, that's wonderful. I'll remember that. You helped yourself, didn't you? Yes, I'll remember. (DAN EXITS)
Oh, such a feeling. A feeling of lightness. Unfettered by worldly things. Oh, it's wonderful.
So this is heaven. (SHE OPENS HER EYES) Oh, how lovely. It is truly beautiful. The air is so fresh and clean. Isn't that just like the Lord to make heaven just like my house so I wouldn't have the ultimate cultural shock.
And I just bet the Lord brought Bill along, too. I'll just tiptoe upstairs to wake that sleepy head. Won't he be surprised when he finds out he's in heaven? (AS SHE EXITS)
The Lord helps those who help themselves. Hmm.
We can be so heavenly minded that we are no earthly good.
Summary
Minny, a Christian woman, is preparing for bed as a thief enters. She mistakes the thief for Jesus coming back to take her to heaven. Dan, the thief, takes the opportunity to rob her of everything of value in the house.
Playing Time: 4-5 minutes
Setting: A neutral playing area that represents Minny's home, with a screen for the thief to hide behind
Props: A black garbage bag
Costumes: Minny -- Pajamas, bathrobe, hair curlers
Dan -- all black clothes and black sneakers
Time: The present
Cast: MINNY -- a Christian woman
DAN -- a thief
MINNY: (ENTERS DRESSED FOR BED, HAIR UP IN CURLERS) Why can't he ever check the doors? What is it with this guy? He gets to bed and all he can think about is sleep.
I remember how he used to talk to me for hours on the phone when we were dating -- now if I get so much as a "I'm home," from him I'm lucky. Yesterday all he said to me was, "While you're up, will you get me a glass of root beer and change the channel?"
He's a psychiatrist, for Pete's sake. He talks to people all day. He solves their problems. That's it. That's the answer. I should visit him at his office and pay him. Maybe he'd talk to me then.
Let's see, I checked the back door. Is the cat in? She's probably down in the basement.
Doggone you, Bill, you sleepy head. I wanted to tell you about what Bob Devine said on the radio today, about the end times, about how the Lord was going to come back. And what do I do? I end up talking to myself.
Bob Devine said no one knows when Jesus might return. It could be any time. And we must be prepared for His return, he said. He didn't say how we should prepare, though.
Did I check the front door? I better look for the cat out front and then I'll lock the basement door. (SHE EXITS)
DAN: (ENTERS. HE IS A BURGLAR, CARRYING A BAG FOR HIS LOOT) Good thing that basement door was open. Some people make it so easy for me. This looks like a likely place. Lots of silver. Probably lots of jewelry too. Oh oh, I guess they're still up roaming around. I better make myself scarce. I hope they dust. I'm allergic to dust. (HE DUCKS BEHIND A SCREEN AS MINNY ENTERS BUT IN HIS HASTE DROPS HIS BAG.)
MINNY: That cat must be in here somewhere. Here, kitty, kitty. Oh well, let her stay out all night, we can probably give the kittens away to someone. (FINDING DAN'S BAG) What's this doing here? Doggone you, Bill, there can't be a sloppier husband than you. Just an empty bag. (DAN SNEEZES)
Lord? Is that you? Did you come for me, Lord? This is it, huh, Lord? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to wake Bill up?
DAN: Uh, no, no, don't do that!
MINNY: But don't you want to take him to heaven, too?
DAN: Who, me? Uh, gee, I don't know.
MINNY: Do you mean you're just taking me?
DAN: Uh, yeah, I guess so.
MINNY: Lord, you're a little unsure of yourself. Lord, what's bothering you? Is it because I haven't read my Bible like I said I was going to? Is that it? I usually remember to pray every day. I've got Bill used to prayer before meals. That's pretty good, isn't it, Lord? (NO ANSWER) Lord? Are you still there?
DAN: Yeah, sure. I was just thinking.
MINNY: Oh, that's all right, Lord. You were probably thinking about whether I should wake Bill or not, right. He'll be awful mad if he wakes up in the morning and I haven't cooked his oatmeal for him. He loves his hot oatmeal in the morning, with a little milk in it and butter ...
DAN: No, no, that's all right. We don't want to bother him.
MINNY: Oh, I get it. You want people to be watching for your coming all the time so they'll be ready, like I was ready for you tonight. That sleepy head Bill was not ready was he? Well, I'm ready to go. (CLOSING HER EYES AND EXPECTING SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. NOTHING DOES) Lord, I'm ready to do whatever you tell me to do. What do you want me to do?
DAN: Uh, I don't know. Uh, well, let's see. You might start by filling up that bag, there ...
MINNY: This one?
DAN: Yes, that's it. Just fill that up with your best silver and jewelry.
MINNY: Are you kidding? Oh, sorry, Lord. Of course you're not kidding. I didn't mean that. My silver? My jewelry? Why?
DAN: Uh, gee, uh, need you ask?
MINNY: Oh, I get it. You're testing me. Just like you tested Abraham. I know. You're going to provide a ram in the bushes, aren't you?
DAN: Huh?
MINNY: The ram in the bushes. You know.
DAN: Oh, the getaway car. Yeah, it's running outside.
MINNY: Oh, Lord, you're so clever. I didn't dream you'd be so, well, uh, down to earth, so natural. I thought you'd speak in "thees" and "thous" and say things like "verily, verily, I say unto thee." But you're so, uh, like one of us. Well, you would be, wouldn't you? You are one of us, so to speak. Getaway car, that's good. That's how we're going home, eh? How cute, a getaway car. Oh, I better get busy with my jewelry and silver. Anything else I should put in the bag?
DAN: Well, do you have any coins?
MINNY: Yes, you know we do. Bill has that old coin collection in the safe. He never gets it out any more. You know how he loves that collection. He says it's worth millions. Why of course you'd want that, wouldn't you. You want us to love you more than silver or gold. I get it. I get it.
DAN: Well, get it!
MINNY: Oh, Lord, you're so funny. Okay, okay. Oh, it's going to be such fun in heaven with you. You'll be cracking jokes all eternity. All the saints will be rolling in the clouds. I bet you keep the angels in stitches. (SHE EXITS)
DAN: (APPEARING FROM BEHIND SCREEN) Boy, oh boy. What a dame. She's driving me crazy. But it's the first time I get the help of the victim. Maybe I ought to just rob Christians from now on. I liked the bit about the ram in the bushes. (LAUGHING TO HIMSELF) Getaway car. (LAUGHING)
Oh, here she is back again. (HE DUCKS BEHIND THE SCREEN)
MINNY: (ENTERS) Hey, Lord. I was talking to you. Why can't you hear me when I'm in the other room? Oh, I get it. It must be because when we had those Bible studies we had them in here. Well, anyway. I wondered if you wanted all our credit cards?
DAN: Uh, yeah. Why not?
MINNY: That's what I thought you'd say. Why not! (EMPTYING HER WALLET OF CREDIT CARDS) Oh, I almost forgot, here's some loose bills I had and I cleaned out Bill's wallet too. I even know where he keeps some money hidden away in the freezer. Of course you knew that, didn't you? Well, here it all is in the bag. I guess I'm about ready to go. I decided not to take the time to fix my hair or change clothes or anything. I guess you know me pretty well, huh, Lord? Well, like I say, I'm ready. (SHE CLOSES HER EYES EXPECTING SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. DAN STEALS OUT FROM BEHIND THE SCREEN AND TRIES TO TAKE THE BAG BUT MINNY IS HOLDING IT TIGHTLY. HE RETURNS TO HIS HIDING PLACE)
DAN: Uh, you'll have to let the bag go, now.
MINNY: Let it go?
DAN: Yes, let it go.
MINNY: Oh, I get it. We have to release all our worldly possessions into your loving hands.
DAN: Yeah, you might say that.
MINNY: Okay, I'm releasing it all to you, Lord.
DAN: Good. Now, just relax and remember to keep your eyes closed.
MINNY: Okay. Oh, I get it. You want me to soar through the clouds but you're afraid I might get sick. Sure, Lord. I'm ready. (DAN BEGINS TO EXIT) Ohhh, it does feel like I'm flying. Yes, of course I am.
DAN: Don't open your eyes. Don't look down. Keep your eyes shut. There, that's a good little Christian. Keep your eyes shut. Good. Good.
MINNY: Lord, it seems like your voice is getting farther away. Why is that?
DAN: (RUNNING BACK BEHIND THE SCREEN) Because .... uh ....
MINNY: Oh, I get it. I have to trust that you are there even when I can't hear you.
DAN: Yes, that's it exactly. Now, just trust me and keep your eyes closed.
MINNY: Oh, I will. But, Lord, won't you say something to me, something I can remember in heaven?
DAN: Huh? Oh sure. Uh, how about this, "The Lord helps those who help themselves."
MINNY: Oh, that's wonderful. I'll remember that. You helped yourself, didn't you? Yes, I'll remember. (DAN EXITS)
Oh, such a feeling. A feeling of lightness. Unfettered by worldly things. Oh, it's wonderful.
So this is heaven. (SHE OPENS HER EYES) Oh, how lovely. It is truly beautiful. The air is so fresh and clean. Isn't that just like the Lord to make heaven just like my house so I wouldn't have the ultimate cultural shock.
And I just bet the Lord brought Bill along, too. I'll just tiptoe upstairs to wake that sleepy head. Won't he be surprised when he finds out he's in heaven? (AS SHE EXITS)
The Lord helps those who help themselves. Hmm.
