What's In It For M-E-E-E-E?
Drama
Thespian Theology
Advent, Christmas, Epiphany
Thespian Theological Thoughts
There aren't a lot of stage directions in this play. I'm a writer, not a director. But let me tell you what I'd consider doing if it were me producing this particular bit of silliness: I'd make lots of leaves out of Post-It notes and put them all over Tommy and Bernice. Then, when Bernice starts to lose her leaves, she'd be doing something more than pantomime. It goes without saying that Tommy's leaves should be affixed with something a little more secure, like tape or glue.
Oh, by the way: Symphoricarpus Deliciosus isn't anything, as far as I can tell. I took the noun from one plant and the adjective from another: it sounded appropriately pretentious for Bernice.
Cast
Narrator
Tommy Tree
Bernice Bush
Voice of God (offstage)
Props/Costumes
Tommy -- green paper "leaves" attached to clothes
Bernice-- green and a few brown "leaves" attached to clothes
(Narrator is at podium, stage left; Tommy Tree stands at center stage; and Bernice Bush is at podium, stage right)
Narrator: Behold Tommy Tree (Tommy bows) and Bernice Bush (Bernice bows). Now, while you might not expect theological sophistication from mere flora --
Bernice: Excuse me? I am not "mere flora," my good man! I am Symphoricarpus Deliciosus -- a hybrid! "Mere flora,"Êindeed!
Narrator: I beg your pardon, Bernice. Let me put it this way: While you might not expect theological sophistication from ol' Sympho-whatsis over there --
Bernice: Harrumph!
Narrator: -- I have to tell you that Bernice and Tommy were just involved in a rather energetic debate on the existence of God, weren't you, folks?
Bernice: God, indeed! Why should Symphoricarpus Deliciosus believe in God? What's in it for m-e-e-e-e?
Tommy: For starters, Bernice, consider this: Jeremiah says that those who trust in the Lord shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream; they shall not fear when heat comes, and their leaves shall stay green ... even in a year of drought.
Bernice: Jeremiah, indeed! Who is he, and what does he know about roots and leaves? I bet he's never even done a photosynthesis!
Tommy: Probably not, Bernice. Jeremiah was a prophet who simply spoke the word of God. And there was another who has similar words for us: King David. He tells us that those who delight in the law of the Lord are like trees planted by streams of water; their leaves do not wither, and in all they do, they will prosper.
Bernice: More tommyrot! Just because this guy was a king, I'm supposed to believe this claptrap? Ridiculous! I believe in me ... and I see no reason why I should believe in any ol' god!
Narrator: How about this, Bernice: King David also says that the wicked are like chaff that the wind drives away. God watches over the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.
Bernice: Wicked? Who you callin' wicked? I may be wickedly good-lookin' (Preens herself), but I am a righteous bush, know-what'm-sayin'? I am g-o-o-o-d, honey.
Voice of God: (Offstage) Cursed are those who trust in mere mortals and make mere flesh their strength, whose hearts turn away from the Lord. They shall be like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see when relief comes. They shall live in the parched places of the wilderness....
Bernice: (Looks around, confused) Who's that?
Voice of God: I the Lord search the mind and test the heart, to give to all according to their ways, according to the fruit of their doings.
Bernice: (To Tommy) What's up with that?
Tommy: You might want to pay attention, Bernice, when the Lord speaks.
Bernice: Poppycock and horsefeathers! I think this is some kind of trick. I'll bet you that he (Points to Narrator) is a ventriloquist. Chaff in the wind, indeed! Parched places of the wilderness, pooh! I don't need any ol' god! Look at me: I'm healthy and wealthy; I'm happy and snappy; I'm a lean, green machine! (Laughs) What do I need a god for, and what's in it for m-e-e-e to believe in him, anyway?
Voice of God: Woe to you who are full now, for you will be hungry. Woe to you who are laughing now, for you will mourn and weep.
Bernice: Say what? Woe? (Laughs) What is that all about?
Tommy: That's God speaking to you, Bernice. I'd pay attention, if I were you. (Lifts his hands up) All praise and honor and glory to you, O Lord!
Bernice: Oh, please! Listen, Mr. Planted-by-Streams-of-Water: I don't need you and your sanctimonious psalms ... and for sure I don't need your ol' god!
Narrator: Speaking of water, Bernice, it has been a long time since we've had any rain around here. Aren't you getting thirsty?
Bernice: Well, now that you mention it, I could use a cold one. But hey: I've been through dry spells before. This too shall pass ... I'm still a lean, green machine! (Admires herself; then notices something on her arm) Hey, what's this? A brown leaf! (Looks at other arm) Another one! Hey, my leaves are falling off! What's goin' on here? (Checks herself all over) Oh, I'm starting to feel faint! (To Tommy) Hey, bub! Could you get me a little drink of water? It's so hot!
Tommy: Sorry, Bernice. I'm a tree, remember? I can't move from my stream; my deep roots won't let me go.
Bernice: Oh, m-a-a-a-an! (Falls down) I'm so thirsty! Cursed are those who trust in mere mortals and make flesh their strength, whose hearts turn away from the Lord.
Tommy: Blessed are those who trust in the Lord ... they shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and it leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit.
Bernice: The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away ... the way of the wicked shall perish!
Tommy: Happy are those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or take the path that sinners tread, or sit in the seat of scoffers. They are like trees planted by streams of water ... and their leaves do not wither. In all that they do, they prosper!
Bernice: Woe to you who are full now, for you will be hungry. Woe to you who are laughing now, for you will mourn and weep.
(Bernice stands and joins Tommy at center stage)
Bernice/Tommy: If you're not a plant, you have an ear;
And with your ear, you've got to hear!
Don't keep asking, "What's in it for me?"
Believe in God and be a tree:
A tree planted by streams of water --
Trust God, and do what you oughta!
(All bow and exit)
There aren't a lot of stage directions in this play. I'm a writer, not a director. But let me tell you what I'd consider doing if it were me producing this particular bit of silliness: I'd make lots of leaves out of Post-It notes and put them all over Tommy and Bernice. Then, when Bernice starts to lose her leaves, she'd be doing something more than pantomime. It goes without saying that Tommy's leaves should be affixed with something a little more secure, like tape or glue.
Oh, by the way: Symphoricarpus Deliciosus isn't anything, as far as I can tell. I took the noun from one plant and the adjective from another: it sounded appropriately pretentious for Bernice.
Cast
Narrator
Tommy Tree
Bernice Bush
Voice of God (offstage)
Props/Costumes
Tommy -- green paper "leaves" attached to clothes
Bernice-- green and a few brown "leaves" attached to clothes
(Narrator is at podium, stage left; Tommy Tree stands at center stage; and Bernice Bush is at podium, stage right)
Narrator: Behold Tommy Tree (Tommy bows) and Bernice Bush (Bernice bows). Now, while you might not expect theological sophistication from mere flora --
Bernice: Excuse me? I am not "mere flora," my good man! I am Symphoricarpus Deliciosus -- a hybrid! "Mere flora,"Êindeed!
Narrator: I beg your pardon, Bernice. Let me put it this way: While you might not expect theological sophistication from ol' Sympho-whatsis over there --
Bernice: Harrumph!
Narrator: -- I have to tell you that Bernice and Tommy were just involved in a rather energetic debate on the existence of God, weren't you, folks?
Bernice: God, indeed! Why should Symphoricarpus Deliciosus believe in God? What's in it for m-e-e-e-e?
Tommy: For starters, Bernice, consider this: Jeremiah says that those who trust in the Lord shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream; they shall not fear when heat comes, and their leaves shall stay green ... even in a year of drought.
Bernice: Jeremiah, indeed! Who is he, and what does he know about roots and leaves? I bet he's never even done a photosynthesis!
Tommy: Probably not, Bernice. Jeremiah was a prophet who simply spoke the word of God. And there was another who has similar words for us: King David. He tells us that those who delight in the law of the Lord are like trees planted by streams of water; their leaves do not wither, and in all they do, they will prosper.
Bernice: More tommyrot! Just because this guy was a king, I'm supposed to believe this claptrap? Ridiculous! I believe in me ... and I see no reason why I should believe in any ol' god!
Narrator: How about this, Bernice: King David also says that the wicked are like chaff that the wind drives away. God watches over the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.
Bernice: Wicked? Who you callin' wicked? I may be wickedly good-lookin' (Preens herself), but I am a righteous bush, know-what'm-sayin'? I am g-o-o-o-d, honey.
Voice of God: (Offstage) Cursed are those who trust in mere mortals and make mere flesh their strength, whose hearts turn away from the Lord. They shall be like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see when relief comes. They shall live in the parched places of the wilderness....
Bernice: (Looks around, confused) Who's that?
Voice of God: I the Lord search the mind and test the heart, to give to all according to their ways, according to the fruit of their doings.
Bernice: (To Tommy) What's up with that?
Tommy: You might want to pay attention, Bernice, when the Lord speaks.
Bernice: Poppycock and horsefeathers! I think this is some kind of trick. I'll bet you that he (Points to Narrator) is a ventriloquist. Chaff in the wind, indeed! Parched places of the wilderness, pooh! I don't need any ol' god! Look at me: I'm healthy and wealthy; I'm happy and snappy; I'm a lean, green machine! (Laughs) What do I need a god for, and what's in it for m-e-e-e to believe in him, anyway?
Voice of God: Woe to you who are full now, for you will be hungry. Woe to you who are laughing now, for you will mourn and weep.
Bernice: Say what? Woe? (Laughs) What is that all about?
Tommy: That's God speaking to you, Bernice. I'd pay attention, if I were you. (Lifts his hands up) All praise and honor and glory to you, O Lord!
Bernice: Oh, please! Listen, Mr. Planted-by-Streams-of-Water: I don't need you and your sanctimonious psalms ... and for sure I don't need your ol' god!
Narrator: Speaking of water, Bernice, it has been a long time since we've had any rain around here. Aren't you getting thirsty?
Bernice: Well, now that you mention it, I could use a cold one. But hey: I've been through dry spells before. This too shall pass ... I'm still a lean, green machine! (Admires herself; then notices something on her arm) Hey, what's this? A brown leaf! (Looks at other arm) Another one! Hey, my leaves are falling off! What's goin' on here? (Checks herself all over) Oh, I'm starting to feel faint! (To Tommy) Hey, bub! Could you get me a little drink of water? It's so hot!
Tommy: Sorry, Bernice. I'm a tree, remember? I can't move from my stream; my deep roots won't let me go.
Bernice: Oh, m-a-a-a-an! (Falls down) I'm so thirsty! Cursed are those who trust in mere mortals and make flesh their strength, whose hearts turn away from the Lord.
Tommy: Blessed are those who trust in the Lord ... they shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and it leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit.
Bernice: The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away ... the way of the wicked shall perish!
Tommy: Happy are those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or take the path that sinners tread, or sit in the seat of scoffers. They are like trees planted by streams of water ... and their leaves do not wither. In all that they do, they prosper!
Bernice: Woe to you who are full now, for you will be hungry. Woe to you who are laughing now, for you will mourn and weep.
(Bernice stands and joins Tommy at center stage)
Bernice/Tommy: If you're not a plant, you have an ear;
And with your ear, you've got to hear!
Don't keep asking, "What's in it for me?"
Believe in God and be a tree:
A tree planted by streams of water --
Trust God, and do what you oughta!
(All bow and exit)
