Dirty Jobs: Bethlehem
Drama
Nativity Dramas: The Second Season
Four More Nontraditional Christmas Plays for All Ages
Object:
Characters
Producer
Micah
Lydia
Esther
Customer 1
Customer 2
Guest 1
Simeon
Jezebel
Guard 1
Guard 2
Zacchaeus
Mary
Joseph
Straw man
Shepherd 1
Shepherd 2
Gaspar
Melchior
Balthasar
Props
Manger
Clipboard
Straw/hay
Shovel and pitchfork
Desk and dustrag
Scroll/pen
Tables or shelves
Food box
Small boxes with lids
Coins for stacking
Something that looks like an eye -- perhaps balls or gum
Rag and trashcan
Lamp
Helmets/breastplates/spears
Grain jar in shallow box
Two bags of coins or something that will jingle
Several tunics or T-shirts: I Went To Bethlehem For The Census And All I Got Was This Lousy Tunic
Stool
Baby
Shepherd crooks
"Rock" for sitting
Gifts
Prologue
(Setting: A stable. There is hay on the floor and the sound of animals in the background. There is a manger to one side. The Producer is standing at the front-center of the set, clipboard in hand, Micah is standing offstage, and Lydia is standing to stage left, waiting.)
Producer: Are you ready? You’re on in three ... two ... one.... (counts down with fingers, points to Micah, offstage, as count reaches zero)
Micah: (walking onto the set from stage right carrying a shovel) You pull into town, it’s late, and all you want to do is get some rest. So, you go to an inn. Turn your beast over to the valet, check in at the front desk, and soon you’re whisked off to dreamland, snug and comfy as though you were still at home. (stops center stage, turns to face camera directly) Did you ever wonder what it was like behind the scenes at that inn? It’s not nearly so restful. And it’s far from comfy ...
(The producer cues Lydia who looks startled and immediately digs a pitchfork into a stack of straw and pitches it at Micah. It goes to one side. Micah shakes his head.)
Producer: Cut!
Micah: Do I look that big to you? I mean, come on --
Producer: You all right, Lydia? That’s okay, don’t be nervous. Let’s try again. From "did you ever wonder --"
Micah: Did you ever wonder what it was really like behind the scenes at that inn? It’s not restful at all. And it’s far from comfy ...
(The Producer cues Lydia who tosses another clump of straw toward Micah. This time it barely hits his feet.)
Micah: (looks down then at Lydia) And how long did you say you’d been doing this for a living?
Lydia: (nervously) Sorry, it kind of slipped in my hand. I -- uh -- I’m a little nervous.
Micah: Really? You hide it so well. (to the Producer) Well?
Producer: It’ll be fine. It’s not like this is the first thing to go wrong on this show. Lydia, sister, are you good for this? Can you do it?
Lydia: (nods) Yes, yes, I can. I can do it.
Producer: Great. You can do it. Come on, one more time, from "did you ever wonder --"
Micah: But did you ever wonder what it was like behind the scenes at that inn? Because it’s not restful at all. And it’s far from comfy ...
(The Producer cues Lydia who digs into the straw and then tosses it -- along with the pitchfork. Micah dodges out of the way as it lands very close to him.)
Micah: (to the Producer) All right, it’s my job, isn’t it? You want my job?
Lydia: (scrambles forward to retrieve pitchfork) Sorry, sorry, my bad.
Micah: (to the Producer) When we get back to Rome, you and I are going to have a talk. (to Lydia) Lydia -- Lid -- can I call you Lid? Lovely as it is here, I’m only shooting here for one day. I’m not going to have time to do this if you can’t get with the program.
Lydia: (wipes hands on his robe) Sorry. Sweaty hands. I’m good now.
Producer: Are you sure? (Lydia nods) Okay, then -- one more time. This is the money shot. From "did you ever wonder --"
Micah: Did you ever wonder what it’s like behind the scenes at that inn? Turns out it’s not restful at all. And it’s far from comfy ...
(The Producer cues Lydia who is already tossing a load of straw at Micah. It hits him in the face and falls to the floor; the Producer gives him a thumbs up as Micah speaks.)
Micah: (drags a hand across his cheek, leaving a smear) That’s why I’m here. I’m Micah, and today, this is my job. (looks at his hand, sniffs it, and pulls back) That wasn’t all straw, was it?
Prologue Ends
Scene One: Stable
(Setting: The front desk/lobby of the Bethlehem Inn. Lydia is standing behind a simple desk, Esther [her sister] is standing next to her; they both look a little uneasy. Customer 1 [a man] is standing before them on the other side of the desk tapping a foot. Micah is standing slightly offstage; he is silently going through vocal loosening-up exercises.)
Producer: Ready? Three ... two ... one ... (points to Micah)
Micah: (walking onstage, speaking to audience) We’re here in the town of Bethlehem, Judea, a part of Palestine, which is part of the Province of Syria. Have I got that right, Lydia?
Lydia: Yes, sir.
Micah: Please, call me Your Highness ... (laughs) Seriously, just call me Micah. And this is Lydia, one of the proprietors of the Bethlehem Inn, and this is her sister, Elisheba --
Esther: Esther.
Micah: -- Esther. (shakes their hands) In addition to owning this lovely hideaway, I understand you two are pretty much the only staff here?
Esther: It’s a small family business, Micah, we can’t afford a lot of employees.
Micah: So, you’ve got me instead -- at least for the day. So, you’ve seen the show, you know how this works, so what’s up first? What sort of rotten, filthy, stinking job do you have for me to do?
(As they talk, Customer 2 -- a woman -- walks up to the desk, waits impatiently.)
Esther: We thought we’d start you out at the front desk, Micah.
Micah: (looks surprised) Front desk? Are you serious?
Lydia: Right here, Micah.
Micah: (stepping behind desk) Considering my last job was night janitor at a gladiator school, this doesn’t sound bad at all. (looks around) What do I do?
Lydia: Just greet them politely and tell them "no."
Micah: What? (looks confused, turns to Customer 1) How can I help you?
Customer 1: I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes.
Micah: (bows slightly, smiles) My apologies, sir, all in the name of entertainment. How can I help you, now?
Customer 1: I need a room for my family and me.
Micah: Certainly, sir. Let me just -- (looks around on the desk, then looks at Lydia, who is shaking her head) What?
Lydia: Just tell them "no."
Micah: No? Come on, man, this good gentleman just came all the way from -- where are you from, sir?
Customer 1: Hebron.
Micah: Is that a long way?
Customer 1: It is when you’ve got two kids screaming in the back of the cart.
Micah: Right, Lydia, this man’s been traveling with children, for heaven’s sake. He needs a place to rest his head, a place to put up his feet.
Customer 1: A place to put those kids ’til my hearing comes back.
Micah: (to Lydia and Esther) See? He’s been through heck already.
Customer 2: (shouldering her way forward) Well, I came from Cana, and that’s a lot further. I’ve been traveling for a week!
Micah: Okay, hold on there, Sparky -- first come, first served. I’m sure there’s room for everyone.
Esther: That’s just it, Micah. There’s no room for anyone.
Micah: What? But -- but -- an inn without rooms is like a -- a restaurant without food.
Lydia: Stick around, we have that, too.
Customer 2: (to Customer 1) Did you hear that? They’re out of food, too.
Customer 1: (disgusted) I heard. What kind of place is this, anyway?
Esther: The kind of place that gets ruined when Caesar Augustus gets one of his whims and displaces half the people of Israel.
Customer 2: Look, my husband is a merchant back in Cana. I’ve got money.
Customer 1: I’ve got money, too. And kids! Screaming kids!
Customer 2: Look, my daughter is --
Micah: (holds up hand) Now hold on there, Spartacus, let’s take a breath and think about what we’re saying.
Customer 2: -- I was saying, my daughter is three years old, and we’ve got some money we started setting aside for her wedding on the day she was born. You can have that. I’m probably not going to need it, anyway ... I think she’s going to look like her father.
Micah: (leaning forward on the desk) So how much are we talking about?
Lydia: Micah! It doesn’t matter how much, just tell them "no." The inn is full. It’s over-full.
Micah: (shrugs apologetically) You hard the woman. There’s no room at the inn. Try the Hojo’s down the road.
Customer 2: You’ll be sorry. You could have been a rich man.
Micah: Look, if I wanted to be rich, I wouldn’t be doing this job. Sorry, ma’am.
Customer 1: What am I supposed to tell my wife? And those kids!
Micah: Try huddling together, like sheep. It does wonders to keep you warm. And maybe a little myrrh in the kids’ milk wouldn’t hurt, either.
(He watches as the customers leave, then turns back to Lydia and Esther.)
Micah: Now, seriously, what just happened here? It seems to me like you had a couple of paying customers -- overpaying customers -- and you turned them away. Why is that?
Lydia: We have no room. It’s as simple as that. We’ve already got all of the rooms double-booked, two families to a room, and we’ve got another four families spending the night in our common room. Much as I’d like the money, there’s just no place to put anyone else. We’ve been turning them away for days now, and some of them get downright cranky about it.
Micah: So what brought all this on? Has Bethlehem suddenly become a big tourist attraction?
Esther: Hardly. Like I said before, it’s all because of your Caesar Augustus.
Micah: Has he been recommending this place to his friends? I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t see him hanging out with either of those two customers -- not really the same class, if you know what I mean.
Lydia: It’s the tax.
Esther: It’s the census, actually. So that he’ll know what to expect in taxes. Everybody in Israel --
Micah: Palestine?
Esther: Potayto, potahto. Everybody in Israel has to report to the authorities to be counted for the census -- and they have to do it in the town where their father’s family originated. We’re lucky because Lydia is descended from the house of David, so we could stay here ... but a lot of people aren’t so lucky.
Lydia: A lot of people. We’ve had people moving all over the country for the last couple of months. They have to travel, and then they have to stay wherever it is they go, until they can be counted. It’s a mess. I used to have a stableman, but he’s been gone for a month now. Just when I really needed the help.
Micah: That’s a touching story, Lydia, Esmerelda --
Esther: Esther.
Micah: -- Esther, but it’s time to move on here. You mentioned a stableman --
Guest 1: (hurrying onstage) Excuse me, excuse me!
Micah: What? For cryin’ out loud -- (makes a "cut" gesture to the Producer)
Producer: Cut. Cut, cut, cut.
Micah: (to Guest 1) Hey, we’re doing TV here -- have a little respect.
Guest 1: Respect? For TV? Come on, seriously. (to Lydia and Esther) We need your help! I was putting my son to bed and about a dozen mice ran out of the reeds when I laid him down. The room is infested!
Lydia: We’re kind of in the middle of something --
Micah: Thank you!
Lydia: -- but we’ll check it out. Esther, get the broom. I’ll get the cat.
(They leave with Guest 1. Micah stares after them.)
Micah: We’re leaving this in, you know! We’re not editing this out!
Esther: (from offstage) We have guests to take care of. Just watch the front desk for a few minutes, and we’ll get back to you.
Micah: (mocking) Just watch the front desk for a few minutes. Blah, blah, blah. (finds a rag, begins dusting the desktop) They’re never going to make it in this business. Not with that attitude.
(Joseph walks onstage; he seems tired. He stands and watches for a moment while Micah continues to dust and talk to himself.)
Micah: We could have made them stars. We could have put this inn on the map. But no. (mimics) We have guests to take care of. (looks up, looks at Joseph) What about me?
Joseph: Uh -- I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know.
Micah: (tosses rag) Of course you don’t, son. (leaning on desk) What can I do for you?
Producer: (stage whisper) Remember -- just tell them "No."
(Micah nods, waves acknowledgment -- or maybe waves off the reminder; it’s hard to tell.)
Joseph: (looks from the Producer to Micah) What is all this?
Micah: Just a little side show we like to call television, my man. What can I do for you?
Joseph: I need a room -- we need a room. My wife is outside, resting.
Micah: Right. I’ll tell you this because I like you, son -- you don’t want to stay here. They’re booked to the hilt -- double booked, actually. Two families to a room and more in the common room. It’s a shipwreck. You don’t want to be here.
Joseph: I don’t have a choice. My wife and I just arrived from Nazareth, for the census, and we need a place to stay. We’ve tried everywhere else.
Micah: Then you know what you’re up against. Nobody’s got room, least of all us. So on your way -- write if you find work.
Joseph: I can’t. I can’t tell her we don’t have a place to stay. We’ve been on the road for a week, sleeping outside -- we were looking forward to a roof over our heads and a nice bed of dry reeds.
Micah: How do you feel about mice?
Joseph: What?
Micah: Never mind. Look, I feel for you, I really do. (to the Producer) You can see it, can’t you? I’m oozing compassion for this man and his wife. (to Joseph) The point is, there are no rooms in the inn. Nothing.
Joseph: But she’s going to have a baby! I think her time is near. I can’t ask her to go on or to have her child out there, in the open.
Producer: Micah, what about the stable? It’s dry, it’s out of the wind. It’s clean.
(Micah looks skeptical)
Producer: Okay, it’s dry and it’s out of the wind.
Micah: (to Joseph) How about it? Are you interested? It’s the cave down there -- you go out, hang a left, and go down the street a little ways.
Joseph: (uncertainly) It would be warm, I guess. And private.
Micah: Right. Exactly. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, glass half-full, all that kind of stuff. Will you take it? Can you sell the little woman on it?
Joseph: I will. We will. (reaches out to shake his hand) Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Micah: (shakes hands) Right, I’m a prince, a man among men. I know. Great. Now, just a couple of formalities -- (looks around on the desktop, finds a scroll that he unrolls, and picks up a pen) And you are?
Joseph: Joseph -- Joseph of Nazareth.
Micah: And your wife?
Joseph: Mary, of Nazareth.
Micah: Right (turns scroll around, hands Joseph the pen) Sign here, please -- and put a description of your donkey there so we’ll know if we see it parked here. (as Joseph signs in) That’ll be -- let’s see -- how does one shekel sound? That’s the seasonal half-shekel per person rate. If your wife actually has the kid, we’ll have to charge you another half-shekel.
Joseph: (finishes signing in) Fine, fine. Whatever. Thank you for letting us stay here.
Micah: Don’t mention it. (as Joseph leaves, he adds) I know I won’t.
(After Joseph leaves, Lydia and Esther walk back in.)
Lydia: Did we miss anything?
Micah: Not really. So, tell me -- what other dirty jobs do you have for me?
Lydia: I’m glad you asked me. Let me show you.
(She leads Micah offstage. The Producer follows. Esther starts straightening up the desk, finds the scroll and looks at it curiously.)
End Scene One
Scene Two: The Bethlehem Inn Gift Shop
(Setting: There is a counter at center stage and either tables or shelves arrayed on either side of it with different kinds of trinkets and toiletries spread around on them. Simeon, an elderly man, is sitting behind the counter, counting coins. Lydia and Micah are standing to stage right; the Producer is standing in front of the set, near the center. As the scene opens, the Producer is counting down.)
Producer: Okay, we’re rolling in three ... two ... one -- (points to Micah)
Micah: (as he and Lydia walk onstage) So tell me about this place. What is it and why am I here?
Lydia: Well, a few years ago we realized that sometimes our guests get hungry after the kitchen closes or they realize they forgot to pack something after the markets have closed.
Micah: (in affirmation) Sure, sure ...
Lydia: So we opened up this giftshop, to give our guests a chance to pick up those last minute necessities or grab a snack or maybe find a souvenir they can take home with them.
Micah: Okay, I can see you’re offering a nice little perk here. But how is this a dirty job?
Lydia: I’ll let Simeon explain. Micah, this is Simeon. Simeon, this is Micah -- he’s working for you for the next couple of hours. Micah, I’ll be back for you later. (she walks offstage)
(Both men extend their hands; Simeon’s wavers a little bit before Micah grabs it with his other hand and presses it to his right hand.)
Micah: Great to meet you, Simeon. So tell me what I’m going to be doing here.
Simeon: There are a couple of things we need to do every day to make sure our customers have a good experience with us. The most important is to go through the food.
Micah: Go through the food?
Simeon: You know, check it to make sure it’s still good. The lamb jerky and dried fish are usually pretty good -- they’ll last forever, especially in this weather. But we’ve got some perishables that we need to keep an eye on.
Micah: Like what?
Simeon: (pointing) Like that, there. Take the box off the shelf there and open it up.
Micah: Okay, I -- (he takes the box off the shelf, opens it, and recoils) -- sweet Jupiter, what is that? And what is that smell?
Simeon: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of. We get a lot of foreigners in here, on the caravan routes, so we try to keep some things in stock for them, too.
Micah: (sets box down, flips the lid shut, then raises it again gingerly, looks inside) Okay, but what is it?
Simeon: Those are sheep’s eyes. They’re hard to keep fresh.
Micah: Forget fresh, they’d be hard to keep down.
Simeon: So, what you have to do -- what we have to do every day -- is go through that box and look for the ones that are starting to go green; those need to come out.
Micah: Uh! (starts to pick through the box)
Simeon: And while you’re doing that, give then a little squeeze, too. Not too hard, and if anything comes out, those are getting ready to go bad. Those have to be moved up to the top, so they’ll be the first to get sold.
Micah: Oh, man, you’re killing me, here. (talks as he picks through the box, occasionally throwing out an eye) I just realized what you said a moment ago: we have to keep an eye on these. Very funny.
Simeon: (shrugs) I try.
Micah: Simeon, I don’t want to seem indelicate, here, but I couldn’t help noticing that you’re not a young man anymore. Aren’t you a little old --
Simeon: To be breathing?
Micah: I was going to say "working," but that’s okay. So what’s a man of your distinguished age doing sorting through sheep eyes and selling souvenirs?
Simeon: (shrugs) I needed something to do. I retired a few years ago, but I didn’t like it. I’m going to be alive for awhile yet, so I figured I might as well do something with my time.
Micah: (making faces as he talks and sorts) You seem pretty confident that you’re going to be with us for some time, yet. What’s your secret? And if it’s sheep eyes, I don’t want to know.
Simeon: No, no, it’s nothing like that young man. Many years ago, an angel of God came to me in a dream and told me that God would not let me die until I had seen the Messiah.
Micah: The Me-what-ah?
Simeon: The Messiah -- a great leader, sent by God to restore us to our place in the world.
Micah: Sent by what god? Are you -- (looks at the box, turns away) Okay, it is black instead of green, is that a really bad thing?
Simeon: Try squeezing it.
Micah: Squeezing it? (he squeezes, out of sight, in the box, and immediately recoils) Good Lord! (covers his nose and mouth)
Simeon: Yeah, that’s what I figured would happen. That’s a bad one.
Micah: No kidding. Give me a little warning next time, will you? (wraps the eyeball in a rag and throws it in the trash) So, which god is it that’s supposed to be sending this mes-a-whatsit?
Simeon: The God, the one true God. We call him Jehovah.
Micah: Oh, that’s right, you’re one-godders here, aren’t you? (continues to sort) You know, back home we have many gods -- we’re free to worship whichever ones we want.
Simeon: Everyone is free to make their own mistakes. That’s part of God’s plan, too.
(Jezebel has walked onstage from stage right. She stops in the middle of the shop; she’s holding an unlit lamp in one hand.)
Jezebel: Speaking of mistakes, old man, who’s your friend?
Micah: (Turns, blinks a couple of times, and drops the lid shut on the box.) Hi, my name’s Micah. (casually draws a hand across his forehead to flip his hair back and leaves a dark smear) And you are?
Jezebel: (holds up lamp) Looking for someone to light my lamp. Got a match, stranger?
Micah: Not since Hercules, baby. (nonchalantly leans against table -- it moves and he nearly falls, has to recover quickly)
Simeon: Jezebel, leave the young man alone. He’s working for me.
Micah: Just for now. I really work in TV -- maybe you’ve seen my show?
Jezebel: I don’t think so. But you could tell me about it. I’m all ears.
Simeon: It’s not your ears that are going to get you in trouble, Jezebel. Now leave the young man alone.
Jezebel: Has he been filling your head with that Messiah talk, stranger?
Micah: It’s come up.
Jezebel: He never shuts up about it. But seriously, even if there was such a thing as a messiah, what would he mean to someone like you or me? Kings get to be kings by climbing on the backs of other kings before them -- they’ve got nothing to do with people like us.
Micah: Well, I don’t know about that. I’m kind of well known, you know.
Jezebel: (ignoring him) If this messiah, this new king, were to come along right now, do you think he’d even give us a second look? Do you think he would break bread with us, talk to us?
Micah: Honestly, I hadn’t given it a lot of thought. I was busy picking through eyeballs.
Simeon: This messiah might surprise you, if some scholars are right. He may not be what you’re expecting at all. He may be something very special indeed.
Jezebel: Messiahs are like caravans. If you miss one, just wait -- a new one will be along in a little while.
(As she is speaking, Guards 1 and 2 walk on from stage right. They are in helmets and breastplates, carrying spears.)
Guard 1: That’ll be quite enough talk of messiahs, now.
Jezebel: (with disdain) Oh well, there goes the neighborhood.
Guard 2: Go on, get along with you.
Jezebel: I’m going, I’m going. (pauses before going offstage, looks at Micah, and raises her lamp) If you ever find that match, just strike it -- I’ll be around. (she leaves)
Simeon: Good evening, gentlemen. What can I do for you?
Guard 2: It’s the beginning of the week, old man. We’ll have our usual.
Simeon: Of course, how could I forget? Micah! If you’re through going through the sheep’s eyes, I’ve got another job for you to do.
Micah: Thank goodness! What do you need?
Simeon: That jar there -- dump it into this box (hands him a shallow box) and sift through it.
Micah: (He takes the box, picks up the jar, looks into it briefly, then dumps it out. He starts picking through it, picks up something, and pops it into his mouth.) What is this, mixed grains with raisins? What am I looking for?
Simeon: Well, for one thing, we don’t have raisins. Wrong time of year. (Micah starts to spit it back into the box, thinks better of it, and looks around for a place to spit -- finally swallows it, as Simeon is still speaking.) You want to pick out the bugs and worms. The bugs will be toward the top, worms might be toward the bottom.
Micah: Right. Bugs up, worms down. (starts sifting, talks to himself) Would it have been asking too much for a warning? A simple warning?
Simeon: (to guards) I’ll be right back. (walks offstage toward the back of the set)
Guard 1: So, you’re helping the old man, now?
Micah: Just for today. I’m doing it for my show. Maybe you’ve seen me on TV?
Guard 1: (shakes his head) I don’t think so. Were you here earlier tonight?
Micah: I was. (holds out a small, dark object) Raisin?
Guard 2: We prefer our raisins without legs. Did you happen to see three strangers in here -- three men?
Micah: The only person I’ve seen tonight is that lady.
Guard 2: Lady?
Micah: You know -- Jezebel, I think her name is.
Guard 1: (laughs, elbows Guard 2, who laughs also) Oh yeah, "lady," right. Okay, seriously, have you seen anyone else? We’re looking for three men -- scholars from Babylon or somewhere out East.
Guard 2: They would have been riding camels.
Micah: (looks up from the box of grain) No, I can’t say that I have. Did they do something?
Guard 1: No, no -- we’re just trying to keep track of them. They came to Jerusalem a couple of days ago with some wild story about looking for a new king, born somewhere around here. Said they saw it in the stars and read about it in some ancient prophecies.
Guard 2: That got King Herod’s interest right away -- he pulled them into court and questioned them, then turned them loose after they agreed to let him know when they found this new king. You know -- so he could drop by and say hello.
Micah: Of course. So, this Herod’s a pretty easygoing fellow?
Guard 1: Sure -- unless you get on his bad side.
Micah: And how do you do that?
Guard 2: Marry him or be born into his family. Disagree with him. Or look like you’re going to disagree with him. Or look at him the wrong way. Or go around talking about a new king -- that’s pretty surefire.
Guard 1: King Herod is pretty firm on the idea that there’s only one king in this part of the world, and he’s it.
Micah: Seems like a charming man. Sorry I won’t get to meet him. (to Producer) We’re not scheduled to meet him, are we?
Producer: No. Once we’re done here, we’re on a boat back to Rome.
Micah: Great. So, sorry we won’t get to meet. Sorry I couldn’t help you with these three scholars, either.
Guard 2: You’re just one sorry stranger, aren’t you?
Micah: Ask anyone.
Simeon: (returning to shop) Don’t go giving my guest a hard time, gentlemen. He’s just passing through. (holds out a small bag to Guard 1) For you (holds out another bag to Guard 2) and for you.
Guard 1: (shakes bag, it jingles; he tucks it away) Very good, old man. We’ll be on our way then. (they start to leave; he stops and turns) And don’t fill your guest’s head with that messiah nonsense. The world is the way it is and no one is ever going to change it.
Simeon: As always, pearls of wisdom fall from your mouth like spittle.
Guard 1: (looks puzzled for a moment) I -- uh, thanks. See you next week. (as they leave, to Guard 2) Did he just insult me? (Guard 2 shrugs as they walk offstage)
Micah: Well, they seem like nice guys.
Simeon: (nods, looking after them) Yes ... if you like corrupt, bumbling goons.
Micah: I’ve seen worse. You should spend a few hours at the network front office sometime.
(Before Micah can answer, Guest 1 enters with a child in tow. Guest 1 seems exasperated.)
Guest 1: See, I told you they’d be open.
Zacchaeus: What can I have?
Guest 1: I don’t care. Just find something for a snack, and then we’ve got to go. It’s way past your bedtime.
Micah: Hungry, are we? (picks up the box of eyeballs, flips it open) May I interest you in our fine selection of sheep’s eyes?
Zacchaeus: (shakes head) Had those for lunch.
Micah: (rolls his eyes) I see. Then perhaps some of our dried grain snack mix? (holds out the sifting box) Guaranteed 90% free of bugs.
Zacchaeus: (points inside the box) But I see --
Micah: Okay, 80%.
Zacchaeus: (to parent) I want candy!
Guest 1: You know the rule: no sugar after dark. If I give you candy now, you’ll never sleep. And neither will I.
Zacchaeus: But I --
Guest 1: No candy. (points to shelf) There -- have some of that.
Zacchaeus: (picks up a package, inspects it without enthusiasm) Fine, I’ll take the lamb jerky.
Micah: Perhaps you would like one of our fine souvenir tunics? (holds up a T-shirt or tunic that says "I Went To Bethlehem For The Census And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.")
Guest 1: Look, I’m in no mood for high pressure salesmen. It’s been a long couple of days. Don’t make me hurt you. (to Simeon) What do we owe you?
Simeon: Oh -- let’s round it to two drachmas.
Zacchaeus: (as Guest 1 is reaching into coin purse) Does that include tax? My father says everyone has to pay tax. That’s his job, he’s a tax collector.
Guest 1: Shhh! (hands the coins to Simeon) Here you go.
Zacchaeus: But I just said --
Guest 1: I know what you just said. Shhh -- if people find out your father is a tax collector, they won’t let us stay under the same roof as them.
Zacchaeus: There’s nothing wrong with being a tax collector! When I grow up I want to be one, too, just like my father!
Guest 1: Shhh! Now come along, Zacchaeus. It’s a long road back to Jericho, and we’re getting up early tomorrow. (shrugs to Simeon) I’m sorry. I don’t know what gets into him sometimes.
Simeon: (nodding) Kids. Who can figure? (as they leave) You know what our problem is, Micah?
Micah: Where would you like me to start?
Simeon: We spend too much time worrying about how much worse than us everybody else is, and we never stop to consider that in God’s eyes, we’ve all fallen equally short of the mark. None of us is perfect.
Micah: (fakes a yawn) I’m sure that’s all very fascinating, but the show is called "Dirty Jobs," not "Boring Lectures." What do you want me to do next?
(Esther hurries in)
Esther: Simeon, I need help. Somebody decided to put up a man and his wife in our stable. (glares at Micah)
Micah: Hey, it wasn’t my idea. Blame the producer.
Producer: Don’t blame me. I was just brainstorming, trying to get some ideas on the table.
Micah: All I know is, I didn’t have anything to do with it.
Esther: That’s not what the man said. You put them in the stable, and now she’s ready to have her baby.
Micah: Right there? In the stable? I thought he was telling a story -- you know, to get sympathy.
Esther: No, he was telling the truth -- you know, like regular people do. But her time is almost here, and we need some swaddling cloths for the baby.
Micah: Some what?
Esther: Swaddling cloths. You know -- something to wrap the baby in. Haven’t you ever seen a baby before?
Micah: I’ve tried not to.
Esther: Anyway, I didn’t know this was happening -- (casts another evil look at Micah) -- and I just put all of our linen in the wash. We don’t have anything in the inn to use for swaddling cloths.
Simeon: (rubbing his chin) Well, I don’t know ...
Micah: (holds up the T-shirt) How about a brand new, fresh, and clean souvenir tunic from the Bethlehem Inn?
Esther: (takes it from him studies it for a moment or two) Well, I guess it’s better than nothing.
Micah: There. That’s what I strive for in life -- to be better than nothing.
Esther: Well, congratulations -- you made it. Now come along.
Micah: What? Where?
Esther: You wanted to do dirty jobs, right: Well, I’ve got one for you.
Micah: Oh man, this is going to make the eyeballs look good, isn’t it?
Esther: Just try to block out the screaming and you’ll be fine. (she starts to leave, pauses, gestures for him to hurry up)
Micah: I’m pretty sure any screaming going on is going to be mine. (He follows her out, followed by Simeon and the Producer.)
End Scene Two
Scene Three: The Stable
(Setting: Micah is standing toward the back of the stable, looking somewhat disheveled; Mary, Joseph, and Esther are behind him. Lydia is standing toward the front of the scene, and the Producer is standing in front of it.)
Producer: You ready, man? (Micah nods) Terrific. We’re going in three ... two ... one … (points)
Micah: (walking forward toward the audience) The birth process is a natural, almost mystical event that has been repeating itself for thousands of years, like an exceptionally good story. It’s a beautiful thing, unique in the human experience because it is the one thing on earth shared by every human being -- every man, woman, child, and barbarian. And, in my humble opinion, it’s something that should never be witnessed by human eyes.
(He stops, sits on a stool, and waves Mary and Joseph forward.)
Micah: I just spent the most grueling two hours of my life back there, in the corner, helping this young lady do something I’ll have nightmares about for the rest of my life. And you are?
Mary: Mary, sir, wife of Joseph of Nazareth in Galilee.
Micah: And this startled-looking young man here -- you would be Joseph, is that right?
Joseph: Yes, sir. Joseph. Yes.
Micah: (turns to audience) He sounds like I feel. And this here -- (he reaches toward Mary, unfolds the T-shirt from the face of Jesus) -- this here is the reason for all this fuss. Who is this young man?
Mary: Jesus bar-Joseph, of Nazareth.
Micah: See that smile? His, I mean. He’s a happy baby. He’s been happy for all of about fifteen minutes, now. I expect in another fifteen or so he’ll be crying. That seems to be how it works. Crying, happy, crying, happy -- he’s living the life of a network host already.
Esther: She should rest now. And the child as well.
Micah: Of course. Lots of crying to do later, and I won’t even guess at what’s happening inside that clean, white tunic.
Mary: Thank you for your help, sir.
Joseph: Yes, thank you. If you hadn’t put us up in this stable, I don’t know what would have happened.
Micah: I know, I know. I’m a prince among men. Get some rest, you and your family.
(Mary and Joseph walk to the back of the set: Esther follows and fusses around them, trying to make them comfortable.)
Lydia: It seems to me you have some cleaning to do.
Micah: Are you kidding me?
Lydia: You saw the mess. Now it needs to be cleaned up.
Micah: Look, I just gave this kid his big break -- the most exposure he’ll ever have in his life. This is a moment he’ll remember forever. Well, technically, he won’t remember it, but people will tell him about it for the rest of his life. I plan on just basking in the moment, my good woman -- basking in the moment.
Lydia: Clean first, then bask. All new straw back there, and take this stuff out and burn it. And clean out the horse stall while you’re at it.
Micah: You’re a hard, cruel taskmaster, Lydia.
Lydia: You should hear what my sister wanted you to do. I have to go start breakfast -- let me know when you’re done.
(Lydia leaves. Micah picks up a pitchfork, is staring at it tiredly when a figure dressed in a dark, hooded robe, carrying a scythe, walks on from stage right.)
Producer: Uhh -- Micah. (points to the figure)
Micah: What? (looks) Oh, man, you’re from the network, aren’t you? Look, just give us another half-season. I told them, it’s going to take a little while to catch on. This is a concept ahead of its time.
Straw Man: (lowering hood) What? I’m just delivering straw for the stable. Where’s Lydia?
Micah: (nervously wiping his brow) You just missed her. Why?
Straw Man: I just wanted to tell her there’s something weird going on. There’s some shepherds headed this way, to the stable. They’re all hyped up about something they saw.
Micah: Thanks for the warning, but it can’t get any weirder than it’s already been.
Straw Man: (shrugs) Okay -- but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Micah: You’re safe. It’s on tape. (gestures toward the Producer)
Straw Man: (looks toward the Producer then straightens up, speaks in a lower voice) Why, thank you. We’ll see you later then.
Micah: Right -- I’ll send you a copy of the rushes. (to Simeon, who has just walked onstage from the other direction) What do you suppose that’s all about?
Simeon: What?
Micah: Something about shepherds. I didn’t quite --
(He is interrupted by two shepherds hurrying onstage. They are carrying crooks, dressed in simple period garb, and are very excited.)
Shepherd 1: Is this the place?
Micah: What place? What are you looking for?
Shepherd 2: Just tell us, is this the place? We’ve hurried all this way, and we must know!
Micah: Then I guess this must be the place, if you were in that big a hurry.
Shepherd 1: Where is he?
Micah: Where is who?
Shepherd 1: Him!
Micah: Him?
Shepherd 1: You know -- him.
Micah: (nods, as though suddenly understanding) Ohh ... (shakes his head) I don’t have any idea what you just said. It’s like dolphins squeaking. Or French. (makes a mouth motion with one hand) Meep-meep-meep.
Shepherd 2: We’re looking for the Messiah -- the child the angels spoke about.
Simeon: Messiah?
Micah: (at the same time) Angels?
Shepherd 1: We were out in the fields, tending our sheep when it happened.
Simeon: When what happened?
Shepherd 2: All was quiet, and I was sitting against a rock, trying to keep warm. And all of a sudden one of the stars in the sky swelled up until it seemed to swallow all of the others, and a great light shone from it, as bright as the sun at noon. And then the star vanished and in its place was an angel.
Micah: Angel?
Simeon: A messenger of God.
Shepherd 1: And we were very afraid, and we lay down on the ground, not looking at him until this voice like music sounded all around us.
Shepherd 2: He said, "Peace be unto you. Be not afraid." And all of a sudden, I wasn’t. I looked up and watched him hovering there, in the sky, smiling down at us.
Shepherd 1: He said, "I bring you good tidings of great joy, for unto you this night a savior is born."
Shepherd 2: "A savior which is Christ, the Lord. He is born tonight in the town of Bethlehem in a stable."
Shepherd 1: And then the angel said we must seek him out, so that we might pay our respects.
Shepherd 2: And then all of a sudden all of the other stars in the sky swelled up, like they were rushing to earth, until they vanished and were replaced by angels -- more than I could count. And they began to sing praises to the name of the Savior.
Shepherd 1: And then they were done, they were gone ... faded away like a dying flame. We were alone again.
Shepherd 2: We left our brother to watch the sheep and hurried to Bethlehem as fast as we could. Is this the place? Is this the stable?
Micah: Well, it’s certainly a stable. And by some great coincidence, there happens to be a newborn child inside. What are the odds against that?
Simeon: (smiles) Tonight, not as great as you would think. (to the shepherds) What brought you to this stable of all the stables in Bethlehem?
Shepherd 1: What draws the migrating bird south in the winter and north in the summer? What brings a turtle back to the beach where he was hatched year after year?
Micah: GPS?
Shepherd 2: It was a tug on our hearts -- a pull at our souls. We reached the top of the hill outside of town, looked down, and said that must be the place.
(Esther has walked back out of the stable in time to hear the end of the conversation. She pauses for a moment, looks back over her shoulder, then looks at the shepherds and smiles.)
Esther: Why don’t you go on in? I think you’ve earned it -- just be quiet. The baby is asleep.
Micah: This is the darnedest thing I’ve ever seen -- and I’ve seen a lot.
Simeon: It’s always amazing to see the hand of God reach down and touch his children.
Micah: God, huh? Your God?
Simeon: Our God. You just don’t know it, yet. (looks at him closely) Or do you?
Micah: Good Lord, man, I’m a TV host, not a philosopher. I don’t --
(As they speak, the magi approach from stage right. They are wearing crowns and "I Went To Bethlehem For The Census And All I Got Was This Lousy Tunic" shirts, and bearing gifts.)
Gaspar: (interrupting) Excuse me --
Micah: (He hasn’t seen them until that moment; he turns, starts to speak, stops, and stares at their shirts. He holds up a finger to Gaspar, turns to Simeon.) Let me guess -- you know these gentlemen, don’t you?
Simeon: (smiles) They may have come by the gift shop earlier today.
Micah: I can see that. (to Gaspar) Yes, sir. What can I do for you?
Gaspar: We are three scholars from the East. We have come here to seek out a prophecy.
Melchior: I am the royal astrologer of Babylon; Gaspar, there, is a scholar of ancient texts at the library of Ur; and Balthasar, here, is chair of the Philosophy Department at the University of Babel.
Micah: Charmed. My name is Micah, I’m a television host. Maybe you’ve seen my show?
Balthasar: Sorry, I don’t think so. Have you written anything?
Micah: Just about a thousand resumés -- but never mind. What are you doing here?
Melchior: A month ago, I saw a bright new star in the heavens, in the west. And as I charted the other stars and planets, I realized that they were in an alignment that they had never been before -- at least not in our recorded history. That suggested that something was about to happen that had never happened before.
Producer: Like Micah picking up a check?
Micah: Please, the man’s telling a story. Don’t interrupt.
Gaspar: Melchior told me what he had seen and that the new star suggested it would happen to our west. I put his discovery together with what I had learned from reading copies of old Israelite prophecies that had been left behind after the Exile.
Simeon: "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."
Gaspar: (smiles) Your prophet Isaiah. "But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times."
Simeon: (nodding) Micah.
Micah: Who?
Simeon: (looks at him) What?
Gaspar: Micah.
Micah: What?
Gaspar: It was the prophet Micah, predicting the birth of a great new leader -- your messiah.
Micah: Not my messiah. I’m just passing through.
Balthasar: He will be the Messiah of all men -- he has come to be the bridge between what we are and what we can be. The bridge between man and God.
Micah: You’re talking about little Jesus bar-Joseph? That kid in there, born in a stable?
Balthasar: So, he is here!
Simeon: He is. And that’s who I’m talking about, Micah. Little Jesus, destined to wash away the sins of all men.
Micah: Talk about your dirty jobs. Listen, I gotta be straight up with you -- this is all a little much for me. Why would a god, or the son of god, go through all this -- all that mess back there, and in a stable, to boot?
Simeon: You said it yourself: Being born is the one thing on earth shared by every human being -- every man, woman, child, and barbarian, every peasant and king, every slave and master. To reach out to us, he had to first share the one experience we’ve all had.
Gaspar: And one day, he will share the one other experience we all have in common: He will die.
Micah: Look, I’m still getting over the being born part. Let’s worry about the rest later.
Melchior: Let’s do that. May we see the child?
Micah: (points back over his shoulder) In there. Straight back to the cow and hang a left. You’ll recognize the tunic.
Jezebel: (walks onstage) So, what’s with all the traffic? I was just on my way home, and it looked like there was a parade going on here.
Micah: (points to Simeon) Ask the old man, he seems to have a handle on it.
Jezebel: Old man?
Simeon: It’s the Messiah. God has sent the Messiah tonight -- he’s kept his promise to us. And I’ve lived to see him with my own two eyes, so he’s kept his promise to me, too.
Jezebel: Oh, is that all? (starts to walk away) See you around.
Micah: You’re not going? It seems like the thing to do, here.
Jezebel: (she stops) I don’t think so. I’ve already told you about me and the Messiah -- if it really is him.
Simeon: It is!
Jezebel: If it is, I’ve got no place being around the likes of him, stranger. I’m not his kind of girl. He wouldn’t want me there.
Simeon: But you’re wrong. He doesn’t care about what you’ve done -- just who you are. He’s here for you.
Jezebel: (hesitates) Are you sure?
Simeon: Why don’t you go in and see? It’s not every day you get to see a miracle.
Jezebel: Well -- maybe. (She starts to go into the stable, steps out, and sets down her lamp, then walks in. As she does, Simeon puts an arm on Micah’s shoulder.)
Simeon: Do you understand, now?
Micah: No, actually I’m pretty confused.
Simeon: Then let me explain it to you. Come on. (as they walk into the stable) It all starts with a God who loves us so much, that he’s willing to send his Son to bring us back ...
Producer: (after a moment) Uh -- I guess that’s a wrap.
(Micah steps back out, waves the Producer in)
Micah: Come on. Jesus is for everyone -- even producers.
Producer: (as she follows him) Even network executives?
Micah: (makes a so-so gesture, wobbling his hand) Eh -- we’ll have to see about that.
The End
Producer
Micah
Lydia
Esther
Customer 1
Customer 2
Guest 1
Simeon
Jezebel
Guard 1
Guard 2
Zacchaeus
Mary
Joseph
Straw man
Shepherd 1
Shepherd 2
Gaspar
Melchior
Balthasar
Props
Manger
Clipboard
Straw/hay
Shovel and pitchfork
Desk and dustrag
Scroll/pen
Tables or shelves
Food box
Small boxes with lids
Coins for stacking
Something that looks like an eye -- perhaps balls or gum
Rag and trashcan
Lamp
Helmets/breastplates/spears
Grain jar in shallow box
Two bags of coins or something that will jingle
Several tunics or T-shirts: I Went To Bethlehem For The Census And All I Got Was This Lousy Tunic
Stool
Baby
Shepherd crooks
"Rock" for sitting
Gifts
Prologue
(Setting: A stable. There is hay on the floor and the sound of animals in the background. There is a manger to one side. The Producer is standing at the front-center of the set, clipboard in hand, Micah is standing offstage, and Lydia is standing to stage left, waiting.)
Producer: Are you ready? You’re on in three ... two ... one.... (counts down with fingers, points to Micah, offstage, as count reaches zero)
Micah: (walking onto the set from stage right carrying a shovel) You pull into town, it’s late, and all you want to do is get some rest. So, you go to an inn. Turn your beast over to the valet, check in at the front desk, and soon you’re whisked off to dreamland, snug and comfy as though you were still at home. (stops center stage, turns to face camera directly) Did you ever wonder what it was like behind the scenes at that inn? It’s not nearly so restful. And it’s far from comfy ...
(The producer cues Lydia who looks startled and immediately digs a pitchfork into a stack of straw and pitches it at Micah. It goes to one side. Micah shakes his head.)
Producer: Cut!
Micah: Do I look that big to you? I mean, come on --
Producer: You all right, Lydia? That’s okay, don’t be nervous. Let’s try again. From "did you ever wonder --"
Micah: Did you ever wonder what it was really like behind the scenes at that inn? It’s not restful at all. And it’s far from comfy ...
(The Producer cues Lydia who tosses another clump of straw toward Micah. This time it barely hits his feet.)
Micah: (looks down then at Lydia) And how long did you say you’d been doing this for a living?
Lydia: (nervously) Sorry, it kind of slipped in my hand. I -- uh -- I’m a little nervous.
Micah: Really? You hide it so well. (to the Producer) Well?
Producer: It’ll be fine. It’s not like this is the first thing to go wrong on this show. Lydia, sister, are you good for this? Can you do it?
Lydia: (nods) Yes, yes, I can. I can do it.
Producer: Great. You can do it. Come on, one more time, from "did you ever wonder --"
Micah: But did you ever wonder what it was like behind the scenes at that inn? Because it’s not restful at all. And it’s far from comfy ...
(The Producer cues Lydia who digs into the straw and then tosses it -- along with the pitchfork. Micah dodges out of the way as it lands very close to him.)
Micah: (to the Producer) All right, it’s my job, isn’t it? You want my job?
Lydia: (scrambles forward to retrieve pitchfork) Sorry, sorry, my bad.
Micah: (to the Producer) When we get back to Rome, you and I are going to have a talk. (to Lydia) Lydia -- Lid -- can I call you Lid? Lovely as it is here, I’m only shooting here for one day. I’m not going to have time to do this if you can’t get with the program.
Lydia: (wipes hands on his robe) Sorry. Sweaty hands. I’m good now.
Producer: Are you sure? (Lydia nods) Okay, then -- one more time. This is the money shot. From "did you ever wonder --"
Micah: Did you ever wonder what it’s like behind the scenes at that inn? Turns out it’s not restful at all. And it’s far from comfy ...
(The Producer cues Lydia who is already tossing a load of straw at Micah. It hits him in the face and falls to the floor; the Producer gives him a thumbs up as Micah speaks.)
Micah: (drags a hand across his cheek, leaving a smear) That’s why I’m here. I’m Micah, and today, this is my job. (looks at his hand, sniffs it, and pulls back) That wasn’t all straw, was it?
Prologue Ends
Scene One: Stable
(Setting: The front desk/lobby of the Bethlehem Inn. Lydia is standing behind a simple desk, Esther [her sister] is standing next to her; they both look a little uneasy. Customer 1 [a man] is standing before them on the other side of the desk tapping a foot. Micah is standing slightly offstage; he is silently going through vocal loosening-up exercises.)
Producer: Ready? Three ... two ... one ... (points to Micah)
Micah: (walking onstage, speaking to audience) We’re here in the town of Bethlehem, Judea, a part of Palestine, which is part of the Province of Syria. Have I got that right, Lydia?
Lydia: Yes, sir.
Micah: Please, call me Your Highness ... (laughs) Seriously, just call me Micah. And this is Lydia, one of the proprietors of the Bethlehem Inn, and this is her sister, Elisheba --
Esther: Esther.
Micah: -- Esther. (shakes their hands) In addition to owning this lovely hideaway, I understand you two are pretty much the only staff here?
Esther: It’s a small family business, Micah, we can’t afford a lot of employees.
Micah: So, you’ve got me instead -- at least for the day. So, you’ve seen the show, you know how this works, so what’s up first? What sort of rotten, filthy, stinking job do you have for me to do?
(As they talk, Customer 2 -- a woman -- walks up to the desk, waits impatiently.)
Esther: We thought we’d start you out at the front desk, Micah.
Micah: (looks surprised) Front desk? Are you serious?
Lydia: Right here, Micah.
Micah: (stepping behind desk) Considering my last job was night janitor at a gladiator school, this doesn’t sound bad at all. (looks around) What do I do?
Lydia: Just greet them politely and tell them "no."
Micah: What? (looks confused, turns to Customer 1) How can I help you?
Customer 1: I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes.
Micah: (bows slightly, smiles) My apologies, sir, all in the name of entertainment. How can I help you, now?
Customer 1: I need a room for my family and me.
Micah: Certainly, sir. Let me just -- (looks around on the desk, then looks at Lydia, who is shaking her head) What?
Lydia: Just tell them "no."
Micah: No? Come on, man, this good gentleman just came all the way from -- where are you from, sir?
Customer 1: Hebron.
Micah: Is that a long way?
Customer 1: It is when you’ve got two kids screaming in the back of the cart.
Micah: Right, Lydia, this man’s been traveling with children, for heaven’s sake. He needs a place to rest his head, a place to put up his feet.
Customer 1: A place to put those kids ’til my hearing comes back.
Micah: (to Lydia and Esther) See? He’s been through heck already.
Customer 2: (shouldering her way forward) Well, I came from Cana, and that’s a lot further. I’ve been traveling for a week!
Micah: Okay, hold on there, Sparky -- first come, first served. I’m sure there’s room for everyone.
Esther: That’s just it, Micah. There’s no room for anyone.
Micah: What? But -- but -- an inn without rooms is like a -- a restaurant without food.
Lydia: Stick around, we have that, too.
Customer 2: (to Customer 1) Did you hear that? They’re out of food, too.
Customer 1: (disgusted) I heard. What kind of place is this, anyway?
Esther: The kind of place that gets ruined when Caesar Augustus gets one of his whims and displaces half the people of Israel.
Customer 2: Look, my husband is a merchant back in Cana. I’ve got money.
Customer 1: I’ve got money, too. And kids! Screaming kids!
Customer 2: Look, my daughter is --
Micah: (holds up hand) Now hold on there, Spartacus, let’s take a breath and think about what we’re saying.
Customer 2: -- I was saying, my daughter is three years old, and we’ve got some money we started setting aside for her wedding on the day she was born. You can have that. I’m probably not going to need it, anyway ... I think she’s going to look like her father.
Micah: (leaning forward on the desk) So how much are we talking about?
Lydia: Micah! It doesn’t matter how much, just tell them "no." The inn is full. It’s over-full.
Micah: (shrugs apologetically) You hard the woman. There’s no room at the inn. Try the Hojo’s down the road.
Customer 2: You’ll be sorry. You could have been a rich man.
Micah: Look, if I wanted to be rich, I wouldn’t be doing this job. Sorry, ma’am.
Customer 1: What am I supposed to tell my wife? And those kids!
Micah: Try huddling together, like sheep. It does wonders to keep you warm. And maybe a little myrrh in the kids’ milk wouldn’t hurt, either.
(He watches as the customers leave, then turns back to Lydia and Esther.)
Micah: Now, seriously, what just happened here? It seems to me like you had a couple of paying customers -- overpaying customers -- and you turned them away. Why is that?
Lydia: We have no room. It’s as simple as that. We’ve already got all of the rooms double-booked, two families to a room, and we’ve got another four families spending the night in our common room. Much as I’d like the money, there’s just no place to put anyone else. We’ve been turning them away for days now, and some of them get downright cranky about it.
Micah: So what brought all this on? Has Bethlehem suddenly become a big tourist attraction?
Esther: Hardly. Like I said before, it’s all because of your Caesar Augustus.
Micah: Has he been recommending this place to his friends? I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t see him hanging out with either of those two customers -- not really the same class, if you know what I mean.
Lydia: It’s the tax.
Esther: It’s the census, actually. So that he’ll know what to expect in taxes. Everybody in Israel --
Micah: Palestine?
Esther: Potayto, potahto. Everybody in Israel has to report to the authorities to be counted for the census -- and they have to do it in the town where their father’s family originated. We’re lucky because Lydia is descended from the house of David, so we could stay here ... but a lot of people aren’t so lucky.
Lydia: A lot of people. We’ve had people moving all over the country for the last couple of months. They have to travel, and then they have to stay wherever it is they go, until they can be counted. It’s a mess. I used to have a stableman, but he’s been gone for a month now. Just when I really needed the help.
Micah: That’s a touching story, Lydia, Esmerelda --
Esther: Esther.
Micah: -- Esther, but it’s time to move on here. You mentioned a stableman --
Guest 1: (hurrying onstage) Excuse me, excuse me!
Micah: What? For cryin’ out loud -- (makes a "cut" gesture to the Producer)
Producer: Cut. Cut, cut, cut.
Micah: (to Guest 1) Hey, we’re doing TV here -- have a little respect.
Guest 1: Respect? For TV? Come on, seriously. (to Lydia and Esther) We need your help! I was putting my son to bed and about a dozen mice ran out of the reeds when I laid him down. The room is infested!
Lydia: We’re kind of in the middle of something --
Micah: Thank you!
Lydia: -- but we’ll check it out. Esther, get the broom. I’ll get the cat.
(They leave with Guest 1. Micah stares after them.)
Micah: We’re leaving this in, you know! We’re not editing this out!
Esther: (from offstage) We have guests to take care of. Just watch the front desk for a few minutes, and we’ll get back to you.
Micah: (mocking) Just watch the front desk for a few minutes. Blah, blah, blah. (finds a rag, begins dusting the desktop) They’re never going to make it in this business. Not with that attitude.
(Joseph walks onstage; he seems tired. He stands and watches for a moment while Micah continues to dust and talk to himself.)
Micah: We could have made them stars. We could have put this inn on the map. But no. (mimics) We have guests to take care of. (looks up, looks at Joseph) What about me?
Joseph: Uh -- I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know.
Micah: (tosses rag) Of course you don’t, son. (leaning on desk) What can I do for you?
Producer: (stage whisper) Remember -- just tell them "No."
(Micah nods, waves acknowledgment -- or maybe waves off the reminder; it’s hard to tell.)
Joseph: (looks from the Producer to Micah) What is all this?
Micah: Just a little side show we like to call television, my man. What can I do for you?
Joseph: I need a room -- we need a room. My wife is outside, resting.
Micah: Right. I’ll tell you this because I like you, son -- you don’t want to stay here. They’re booked to the hilt -- double booked, actually. Two families to a room and more in the common room. It’s a shipwreck. You don’t want to be here.
Joseph: I don’t have a choice. My wife and I just arrived from Nazareth, for the census, and we need a place to stay. We’ve tried everywhere else.
Micah: Then you know what you’re up against. Nobody’s got room, least of all us. So on your way -- write if you find work.
Joseph: I can’t. I can’t tell her we don’t have a place to stay. We’ve been on the road for a week, sleeping outside -- we were looking forward to a roof over our heads and a nice bed of dry reeds.
Micah: How do you feel about mice?
Joseph: What?
Micah: Never mind. Look, I feel for you, I really do. (to the Producer) You can see it, can’t you? I’m oozing compassion for this man and his wife. (to Joseph) The point is, there are no rooms in the inn. Nothing.
Joseph: But she’s going to have a baby! I think her time is near. I can’t ask her to go on or to have her child out there, in the open.
Producer: Micah, what about the stable? It’s dry, it’s out of the wind. It’s clean.
(Micah looks skeptical)
Producer: Okay, it’s dry and it’s out of the wind.
Micah: (to Joseph) How about it? Are you interested? It’s the cave down there -- you go out, hang a left, and go down the street a little ways.
Joseph: (uncertainly) It would be warm, I guess. And private.
Micah: Right. Exactly. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, glass half-full, all that kind of stuff. Will you take it? Can you sell the little woman on it?
Joseph: I will. We will. (reaches out to shake his hand) Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Micah: (shakes hands) Right, I’m a prince, a man among men. I know. Great. Now, just a couple of formalities -- (looks around on the desktop, finds a scroll that he unrolls, and picks up a pen) And you are?
Joseph: Joseph -- Joseph of Nazareth.
Micah: And your wife?
Joseph: Mary, of Nazareth.
Micah: Right (turns scroll around, hands Joseph the pen) Sign here, please -- and put a description of your donkey there so we’ll know if we see it parked here. (as Joseph signs in) That’ll be -- let’s see -- how does one shekel sound? That’s the seasonal half-shekel per person rate. If your wife actually has the kid, we’ll have to charge you another half-shekel.
Joseph: (finishes signing in) Fine, fine. Whatever. Thank you for letting us stay here.
Micah: Don’t mention it. (as Joseph leaves, he adds) I know I won’t.
(After Joseph leaves, Lydia and Esther walk back in.)
Lydia: Did we miss anything?
Micah: Not really. So, tell me -- what other dirty jobs do you have for me?
Lydia: I’m glad you asked me. Let me show you.
(She leads Micah offstage. The Producer follows. Esther starts straightening up the desk, finds the scroll and looks at it curiously.)
End Scene One
Scene Two: The Bethlehem Inn Gift Shop
(Setting: There is a counter at center stage and either tables or shelves arrayed on either side of it with different kinds of trinkets and toiletries spread around on them. Simeon, an elderly man, is sitting behind the counter, counting coins. Lydia and Micah are standing to stage right; the Producer is standing in front of the set, near the center. As the scene opens, the Producer is counting down.)
Producer: Okay, we’re rolling in three ... two ... one -- (points to Micah)
Micah: (as he and Lydia walk onstage) So tell me about this place. What is it and why am I here?
Lydia: Well, a few years ago we realized that sometimes our guests get hungry after the kitchen closes or they realize they forgot to pack something after the markets have closed.
Micah: (in affirmation) Sure, sure ...
Lydia: So we opened up this giftshop, to give our guests a chance to pick up those last minute necessities or grab a snack or maybe find a souvenir they can take home with them.
Micah: Okay, I can see you’re offering a nice little perk here. But how is this a dirty job?
Lydia: I’ll let Simeon explain. Micah, this is Simeon. Simeon, this is Micah -- he’s working for you for the next couple of hours. Micah, I’ll be back for you later. (she walks offstage)
(Both men extend their hands; Simeon’s wavers a little bit before Micah grabs it with his other hand and presses it to his right hand.)
Micah: Great to meet you, Simeon. So tell me what I’m going to be doing here.
Simeon: There are a couple of things we need to do every day to make sure our customers have a good experience with us. The most important is to go through the food.
Micah: Go through the food?
Simeon: You know, check it to make sure it’s still good. The lamb jerky and dried fish are usually pretty good -- they’ll last forever, especially in this weather. But we’ve got some perishables that we need to keep an eye on.
Micah: Like what?
Simeon: (pointing) Like that, there. Take the box off the shelf there and open it up.
Micah: Okay, I -- (he takes the box off the shelf, opens it, and recoils) -- sweet Jupiter, what is that? And what is that smell?
Simeon: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of. We get a lot of foreigners in here, on the caravan routes, so we try to keep some things in stock for them, too.
Micah: (sets box down, flips the lid shut, then raises it again gingerly, looks inside) Okay, but what is it?
Simeon: Those are sheep’s eyes. They’re hard to keep fresh.
Micah: Forget fresh, they’d be hard to keep down.
Simeon: So, what you have to do -- what we have to do every day -- is go through that box and look for the ones that are starting to go green; those need to come out.
Micah: Uh! (starts to pick through the box)
Simeon: And while you’re doing that, give then a little squeeze, too. Not too hard, and if anything comes out, those are getting ready to go bad. Those have to be moved up to the top, so they’ll be the first to get sold.
Micah: Oh, man, you’re killing me, here. (talks as he picks through the box, occasionally throwing out an eye) I just realized what you said a moment ago: we have to keep an eye on these. Very funny.
Simeon: (shrugs) I try.
Micah: Simeon, I don’t want to seem indelicate, here, but I couldn’t help noticing that you’re not a young man anymore. Aren’t you a little old --
Simeon: To be breathing?
Micah: I was going to say "working," but that’s okay. So what’s a man of your distinguished age doing sorting through sheep eyes and selling souvenirs?
Simeon: (shrugs) I needed something to do. I retired a few years ago, but I didn’t like it. I’m going to be alive for awhile yet, so I figured I might as well do something with my time.
Micah: (making faces as he talks and sorts) You seem pretty confident that you’re going to be with us for some time, yet. What’s your secret? And if it’s sheep eyes, I don’t want to know.
Simeon: No, no, it’s nothing like that young man. Many years ago, an angel of God came to me in a dream and told me that God would not let me die until I had seen the Messiah.
Micah: The Me-what-ah?
Simeon: The Messiah -- a great leader, sent by God to restore us to our place in the world.
Micah: Sent by what god? Are you -- (looks at the box, turns away) Okay, it is black instead of green, is that a really bad thing?
Simeon: Try squeezing it.
Micah: Squeezing it? (he squeezes, out of sight, in the box, and immediately recoils) Good Lord! (covers his nose and mouth)
Simeon: Yeah, that’s what I figured would happen. That’s a bad one.
Micah: No kidding. Give me a little warning next time, will you? (wraps the eyeball in a rag and throws it in the trash) So, which god is it that’s supposed to be sending this mes-a-whatsit?
Simeon: The God, the one true God. We call him Jehovah.
Micah: Oh, that’s right, you’re one-godders here, aren’t you? (continues to sort) You know, back home we have many gods -- we’re free to worship whichever ones we want.
Simeon: Everyone is free to make their own mistakes. That’s part of God’s plan, too.
(Jezebel has walked onstage from stage right. She stops in the middle of the shop; she’s holding an unlit lamp in one hand.)
Jezebel: Speaking of mistakes, old man, who’s your friend?
Micah: (Turns, blinks a couple of times, and drops the lid shut on the box.) Hi, my name’s Micah. (casually draws a hand across his forehead to flip his hair back and leaves a dark smear) And you are?
Jezebel: (holds up lamp) Looking for someone to light my lamp. Got a match, stranger?
Micah: Not since Hercules, baby. (nonchalantly leans against table -- it moves and he nearly falls, has to recover quickly)
Simeon: Jezebel, leave the young man alone. He’s working for me.
Micah: Just for now. I really work in TV -- maybe you’ve seen my show?
Jezebel: I don’t think so. But you could tell me about it. I’m all ears.
Simeon: It’s not your ears that are going to get you in trouble, Jezebel. Now leave the young man alone.
Jezebel: Has he been filling your head with that Messiah talk, stranger?
Micah: It’s come up.
Jezebel: He never shuts up about it. But seriously, even if there was such a thing as a messiah, what would he mean to someone like you or me? Kings get to be kings by climbing on the backs of other kings before them -- they’ve got nothing to do with people like us.
Micah: Well, I don’t know about that. I’m kind of well known, you know.
Jezebel: (ignoring him) If this messiah, this new king, were to come along right now, do you think he’d even give us a second look? Do you think he would break bread with us, talk to us?
Micah: Honestly, I hadn’t given it a lot of thought. I was busy picking through eyeballs.
Simeon: This messiah might surprise you, if some scholars are right. He may not be what you’re expecting at all. He may be something very special indeed.
Jezebel: Messiahs are like caravans. If you miss one, just wait -- a new one will be along in a little while.
(As she is speaking, Guards 1 and 2 walk on from stage right. They are in helmets and breastplates, carrying spears.)
Guard 1: That’ll be quite enough talk of messiahs, now.
Jezebel: (with disdain) Oh well, there goes the neighborhood.
Guard 2: Go on, get along with you.
Jezebel: I’m going, I’m going. (pauses before going offstage, looks at Micah, and raises her lamp) If you ever find that match, just strike it -- I’ll be around. (she leaves)
Simeon: Good evening, gentlemen. What can I do for you?
Guard 2: It’s the beginning of the week, old man. We’ll have our usual.
Simeon: Of course, how could I forget? Micah! If you’re through going through the sheep’s eyes, I’ve got another job for you to do.
Micah: Thank goodness! What do you need?
Simeon: That jar there -- dump it into this box (hands him a shallow box) and sift through it.
Micah: (He takes the box, picks up the jar, looks into it briefly, then dumps it out. He starts picking through it, picks up something, and pops it into his mouth.) What is this, mixed grains with raisins? What am I looking for?
Simeon: Well, for one thing, we don’t have raisins. Wrong time of year. (Micah starts to spit it back into the box, thinks better of it, and looks around for a place to spit -- finally swallows it, as Simeon is still speaking.) You want to pick out the bugs and worms. The bugs will be toward the top, worms might be toward the bottom.
Micah: Right. Bugs up, worms down. (starts sifting, talks to himself) Would it have been asking too much for a warning? A simple warning?
Simeon: (to guards) I’ll be right back. (walks offstage toward the back of the set)
Guard 1: So, you’re helping the old man, now?
Micah: Just for today. I’m doing it for my show. Maybe you’ve seen me on TV?
Guard 1: (shakes his head) I don’t think so. Were you here earlier tonight?
Micah: I was. (holds out a small, dark object) Raisin?
Guard 2: We prefer our raisins without legs. Did you happen to see three strangers in here -- three men?
Micah: The only person I’ve seen tonight is that lady.
Guard 2: Lady?
Micah: You know -- Jezebel, I think her name is.
Guard 1: (laughs, elbows Guard 2, who laughs also) Oh yeah, "lady," right. Okay, seriously, have you seen anyone else? We’re looking for three men -- scholars from Babylon or somewhere out East.
Guard 2: They would have been riding camels.
Micah: (looks up from the box of grain) No, I can’t say that I have. Did they do something?
Guard 1: No, no -- we’re just trying to keep track of them. They came to Jerusalem a couple of days ago with some wild story about looking for a new king, born somewhere around here. Said they saw it in the stars and read about it in some ancient prophecies.
Guard 2: That got King Herod’s interest right away -- he pulled them into court and questioned them, then turned them loose after they agreed to let him know when they found this new king. You know -- so he could drop by and say hello.
Micah: Of course. So, this Herod’s a pretty easygoing fellow?
Guard 1: Sure -- unless you get on his bad side.
Micah: And how do you do that?
Guard 2: Marry him or be born into his family. Disagree with him. Or look like you’re going to disagree with him. Or look at him the wrong way. Or go around talking about a new king -- that’s pretty surefire.
Guard 1: King Herod is pretty firm on the idea that there’s only one king in this part of the world, and he’s it.
Micah: Seems like a charming man. Sorry I won’t get to meet him. (to Producer) We’re not scheduled to meet him, are we?
Producer: No. Once we’re done here, we’re on a boat back to Rome.
Micah: Great. So, sorry we won’t get to meet. Sorry I couldn’t help you with these three scholars, either.
Guard 2: You’re just one sorry stranger, aren’t you?
Micah: Ask anyone.
Simeon: (returning to shop) Don’t go giving my guest a hard time, gentlemen. He’s just passing through. (holds out a small bag to Guard 1) For you (holds out another bag to Guard 2) and for you.
Guard 1: (shakes bag, it jingles; he tucks it away) Very good, old man. We’ll be on our way then. (they start to leave; he stops and turns) And don’t fill your guest’s head with that messiah nonsense. The world is the way it is and no one is ever going to change it.
Simeon: As always, pearls of wisdom fall from your mouth like spittle.
Guard 1: (looks puzzled for a moment) I -- uh, thanks. See you next week. (as they leave, to Guard 2) Did he just insult me? (Guard 2 shrugs as they walk offstage)
Micah: Well, they seem like nice guys.
Simeon: (nods, looking after them) Yes ... if you like corrupt, bumbling goons.
Micah: I’ve seen worse. You should spend a few hours at the network front office sometime.
(Before Micah can answer, Guest 1 enters with a child in tow. Guest 1 seems exasperated.)
Guest 1: See, I told you they’d be open.
Zacchaeus: What can I have?
Guest 1: I don’t care. Just find something for a snack, and then we’ve got to go. It’s way past your bedtime.
Micah: Hungry, are we? (picks up the box of eyeballs, flips it open) May I interest you in our fine selection of sheep’s eyes?
Zacchaeus: (shakes head) Had those for lunch.
Micah: (rolls his eyes) I see. Then perhaps some of our dried grain snack mix? (holds out the sifting box) Guaranteed 90% free of bugs.
Zacchaeus: (points inside the box) But I see --
Micah: Okay, 80%.
Zacchaeus: (to parent) I want candy!
Guest 1: You know the rule: no sugar after dark. If I give you candy now, you’ll never sleep. And neither will I.
Zacchaeus: But I --
Guest 1: No candy. (points to shelf) There -- have some of that.
Zacchaeus: (picks up a package, inspects it without enthusiasm) Fine, I’ll take the lamb jerky.
Micah: Perhaps you would like one of our fine souvenir tunics? (holds up a T-shirt or tunic that says "I Went To Bethlehem For The Census And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.")
Guest 1: Look, I’m in no mood for high pressure salesmen. It’s been a long couple of days. Don’t make me hurt you. (to Simeon) What do we owe you?
Simeon: Oh -- let’s round it to two drachmas.
Zacchaeus: (as Guest 1 is reaching into coin purse) Does that include tax? My father says everyone has to pay tax. That’s his job, he’s a tax collector.
Guest 1: Shhh! (hands the coins to Simeon) Here you go.
Zacchaeus: But I just said --
Guest 1: I know what you just said. Shhh -- if people find out your father is a tax collector, they won’t let us stay under the same roof as them.
Zacchaeus: There’s nothing wrong with being a tax collector! When I grow up I want to be one, too, just like my father!
Guest 1: Shhh! Now come along, Zacchaeus. It’s a long road back to Jericho, and we’re getting up early tomorrow. (shrugs to Simeon) I’m sorry. I don’t know what gets into him sometimes.
Simeon: (nodding) Kids. Who can figure? (as they leave) You know what our problem is, Micah?
Micah: Where would you like me to start?
Simeon: We spend too much time worrying about how much worse than us everybody else is, and we never stop to consider that in God’s eyes, we’ve all fallen equally short of the mark. None of us is perfect.
Micah: (fakes a yawn) I’m sure that’s all very fascinating, but the show is called "Dirty Jobs," not "Boring Lectures." What do you want me to do next?
(Esther hurries in)
Esther: Simeon, I need help. Somebody decided to put up a man and his wife in our stable. (glares at Micah)
Micah: Hey, it wasn’t my idea. Blame the producer.
Producer: Don’t blame me. I was just brainstorming, trying to get some ideas on the table.
Micah: All I know is, I didn’t have anything to do with it.
Esther: That’s not what the man said. You put them in the stable, and now she’s ready to have her baby.
Micah: Right there? In the stable? I thought he was telling a story -- you know, to get sympathy.
Esther: No, he was telling the truth -- you know, like regular people do. But her time is almost here, and we need some swaddling cloths for the baby.
Micah: Some what?
Esther: Swaddling cloths. You know -- something to wrap the baby in. Haven’t you ever seen a baby before?
Micah: I’ve tried not to.
Esther: Anyway, I didn’t know this was happening -- (casts another evil look at Micah) -- and I just put all of our linen in the wash. We don’t have anything in the inn to use for swaddling cloths.
Simeon: (rubbing his chin) Well, I don’t know ...
Micah: (holds up the T-shirt) How about a brand new, fresh, and clean souvenir tunic from the Bethlehem Inn?
Esther: (takes it from him studies it for a moment or two) Well, I guess it’s better than nothing.
Micah: There. That’s what I strive for in life -- to be better than nothing.
Esther: Well, congratulations -- you made it. Now come along.
Micah: What? Where?
Esther: You wanted to do dirty jobs, right: Well, I’ve got one for you.
Micah: Oh man, this is going to make the eyeballs look good, isn’t it?
Esther: Just try to block out the screaming and you’ll be fine. (she starts to leave, pauses, gestures for him to hurry up)
Micah: I’m pretty sure any screaming going on is going to be mine. (He follows her out, followed by Simeon and the Producer.)
End Scene Two
Scene Three: The Stable
(Setting: Micah is standing toward the back of the stable, looking somewhat disheveled; Mary, Joseph, and Esther are behind him. Lydia is standing toward the front of the scene, and the Producer is standing in front of it.)
Producer: You ready, man? (Micah nods) Terrific. We’re going in three ... two ... one … (points)
Micah: (walking forward toward the audience) The birth process is a natural, almost mystical event that has been repeating itself for thousands of years, like an exceptionally good story. It’s a beautiful thing, unique in the human experience because it is the one thing on earth shared by every human being -- every man, woman, child, and barbarian. And, in my humble opinion, it’s something that should never be witnessed by human eyes.
(He stops, sits on a stool, and waves Mary and Joseph forward.)
Micah: I just spent the most grueling two hours of my life back there, in the corner, helping this young lady do something I’ll have nightmares about for the rest of my life. And you are?
Mary: Mary, sir, wife of Joseph of Nazareth in Galilee.
Micah: And this startled-looking young man here -- you would be Joseph, is that right?
Joseph: Yes, sir. Joseph. Yes.
Micah: (turns to audience) He sounds like I feel. And this here -- (he reaches toward Mary, unfolds the T-shirt from the face of Jesus) -- this here is the reason for all this fuss. Who is this young man?
Mary: Jesus bar-Joseph, of Nazareth.
Micah: See that smile? His, I mean. He’s a happy baby. He’s been happy for all of about fifteen minutes, now. I expect in another fifteen or so he’ll be crying. That seems to be how it works. Crying, happy, crying, happy -- he’s living the life of a network host already.
Esther: She should rest now. And the child as well.
Micah: Of course. Lots of crying to do later, and I won’t even guess at what’s happening inside that clean, white tunic.
Mary: Thank you for your help, sir.
Joseph: Yes, thank you. If you hadn’t put us up in this stable, I don’t know what would have happened.
Micah: I know, I know. I’m a prince among men. Get some rest, you and your family.
(Mary and Joseph walk to the back of the set: Esther follows and fusses around them, trying to make them comfortable.)
Lydia: It seems to me you have some cleaning to do.
Micah: Are you kidding me?
Lydia: You saw the mess. Now it needs to be cleaned up.
Micah: Look, I just gave this kid his big break -- the most exposure he’ll ever have in his life. This is a moment he’ll remember forever. Well, technically, he won’t remember it, but people will tell him about it for the rest of his life. I plan on just basking in the moment, my good woman -- basking in the moment.
Lydia: Clean first, then bask. All new straw back there, and take this stuff out and burn it. And clean out the horse stall while you’re at it.
Micah: You’re a hard, cruel taskmaster, Lydia.
Lydia: You should hear what my sister wanted you to do. I have to go start breakfast -- let me know when you’re done.
(Lydia leaves. Micah picks up a pitchfork, is staring at it tiredly when a figure dressed in a dark, hooded robe, carrying a scythe, walks on from stage right.)
Producer: Uhh -- Micah. (points to the figure)
Micah: What? (looks) Oh, man, you’re from the network, aren’t you? Look, just give us another half-season. I told them, it’s going to take a little while to catch on. This is a concept ahead of its time.
Straw Man: (lowering hood) What? I’m just delivering straw for the stable. Where’s Lydia?
Micah: (nervously wiping his brow) You just missed her. Why?
Straw Man: I just wanted to tell her there’s something weird going on. There’s some shepherds headed this way, to the stable. They’re all hyped up about something they saw.
Micah: Thanks for the warning, but it can’t get any weirder than it’s already been.
Straw Man: (shrugs) Okay -- but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Micah: You’re safe. It’s on tape. (gestures toward the Producer)
Straw Man: (looks toward the Producer then straightens up, speaks in a lower voice) Why, thank you. We’ll see you later then.
Micah: Right -- I’ll send you a copy of the rushes. (to Simeon, who has just walked onstage from the other direction) What do you suppose that’s all about?
Simeon: What?
Micah: Something about shepherds. I didn’t quite --
(He is interrupted by two shepherds hurrying onstage. They are carrying crooks, dressed in simple period garb, and are very excited.)
Shepherd 1: Is this the place?
Micah: What place? What are you looking for?
Shepherd 2: Just tell us, is this the place? We’ve hurried all this way, and we must know!
Micah: Then I guess this must be the place, if you were in that big a hurry.
Shepherd 1: Where is he?
Micah: Where is who?
Shepherd 1: Him!
Micah: Him?
Shepherd 1: You know -- him.
Micah: (nods, as though suddenly understanding) Ohh ... (shakes his head) I don’t have any idea what you just said. It’s like dolphins squeaking. Or French. (makes a mouth motion with one hand) Meep-meep-meep.
Shepherd 2: We’re looking for the Messiah -- the child the angels spoke about.
Simeon: Messiah?
Micah: (at the same time) Angels?
Shepherd 1: We were out in the fields, tending our sheep when it happened.
Simeon: When what happened?
Shepherd 2: All was quiet, and I was sitting against a rock, trying to keep warm. And all of a sudden one of the stars in the sky swelled up until it seemed to swallow all of the others, and a great light shone from it, as bright as the sun at noon. And then the star vanished and in its place was an angel.
Micah: Angel?
Simeon: A messenger of God.
Shepherd 1: And we were very afraid, and we lay down on the ground, not looking at him until this voice like music sounded all around us.
Shepherd 2: He said, "Peace be unto you. Be not afraid." And all of a sudden, I wasn’t. I looked up and watched him hovering there, in the sky, smiling down at us.
Shepherd 1: He said, "I bring you good tidings of great joy, for unto you this night a savior is born."
Shepherd 2: "A savior which is Christ, the Lord. He is born tonight in the town of Bethlehem in a stable."
Shepherd 1: And then the angel said we must seek him out, so that we might pay our respects.
Shepherd 2: And then all of a sudden all of the other stars in the sky swelled up, like they were rushing to earth, until they vanished and were replaced by angels -- more than I could count. And they began to sing praises to the name of the Savior.
Shepherd 1: And then they were done, they were gone ... faded away like a dying flame. We were alone again.
Shepherd 2: We left our brother to watch the sheep and hurried to Bethlehem as fast as we could. Is this the place? Is this the stable?
Micah: Well, it’s certainly a stable. And by some great coincidence, there happens to be a newborn child inside. What are the odds against that?
Simeon: (smiles) Tonight, not as great as you would think. (to the shepherds) What brought you to this stable of all the stables in Bethlehem?
Shepherd 1: What draws the migrating bird south in the winter and north in the summer? What brings a turtle back to the beach where he was hatched year after year?
Micah: GPS?
Shepherd 2: It was a tug on our hearts -- a pull at our souls. We reached the top of the hill outside of town, looked down, and said that must be the place.
(Esther has walked back out of the stable in time to hear the end of the conversation. She pauses for a moment, looks back over her shoulder, then looks at the shepherds and smiles.)
Esther: Why don’t you go on in? I think you’ve earned it -- just be quiet. The baby is asleep.
Micah: This is the darnedest thing I’ve ever seen -- and I’ve seen a lot.
Simeon: It’s always amazing to see the hand of God reach down and touch his children.
Micah: God, huh? Your God?
Simeon: Our God. You just don’t know it, yet. (looks at him closely) Or do you?
Micah: Good Lord, man, I’m a TV host, not a philosopher. I don’t --
(As they speak, the magi approach from stage right. They are wearing crowns and "I Went To Bethlehem For The Census And All I Got Was This Lousy Tunic" shirts, and bearing gifts.)
Gaspar: (interrupting) Excuse me --
Micah: (He hasn’t seen them until that moment; he turns, starts to speak, stops, and stares at their shirts. He holds up a finger to Gaspar, turns to Simeon.) Let me guess -- you know these gentlemen, don’t you?
Simeon: (smiles) They may have come by the gift shop earlier today.
Micah: I can see that. (to Gaspar) Yes, sir. What can I do for you?
Gaspar: We are three scholars from the East. We have come here to seek out a prophecy.
Melchior: I am the royal astrologer of Babylon; Gaspar, there, is a scholar of ancient texts at the library of Ur; and Balthasar, here, is chair of the Philosophy Department at the University of Babel.
Micah: Charmed. My name is Micah, I’m a television host. Maybe you’ve seen my show?
Balthasar: Sorry, I don’t think so. Have you written anything?
Micah: Just about a thousand resumés -- but never mind. What are you doing here?
Melchior: A month ago, I saw a bright new star in the heavens, in the west. And as I charted the other stars and planets, I realized that they were in an alignment that they had never been before -- at least not in our recorded history. That suggested that something was about to happen that had never happened before.
Producer: Like Micah picking up a check?
Micah: Please, the man’s telling a story. Don’t interrupt.
Gaspar: Melchior told me what he had seen and that the new star suggested it would happen to our west. I put his discovery together with what I had learned from reading copies of old Israelite prophecies that had been left behind after the Exile.
Simeon: "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."
Gaspar: (smiles) Your prophet Isaiah. "But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times."
Simeon: (nodding) Micah.
Micah: Who?
Simeon: (looks at him) What?
Gaspar: Micah.
Micah: What?
Gaspar: It was the prophet Micah, predicting the birth of a great new leader -- your messiah.
Micah: Not my messiah. I’m just passing through.
Balthasar: He will be the Messiah of all men -- he has come to be the bridge between what we are and what we can be. The bridge between man and God.
Micah: You’re talking about little Jesus bar-Joseph? That kid in there, born in a stable?
Balthasar: So, he is here!
Simeon: He is. And that’s who I’m talking about, Micah. Little Jesus, destined to wash away the sins of all men.
Micah: Talk about your dirty jobs. Listen, I gotta be straight up with you -- this is all a little much for me. Why would a god, or the son of god, go through all this -- all that mess back there, and in a stable, to boot?
Simeon: You said it yourself: Being born is the one thing on earth shared by every human being -- every man, woman, child, and barbarian, every peasant and king, every slave and master. To reach out to us, he had to first share the one experience we’ve all had.
Gaspar: And one day, he will share the one other experience we all have in common: He will die.
Micah: Look, I’m still getting over the being born part. Let’s worry about the rest later.
Melchior: Let’s do that. May we see the child?
Micah: (points back over his shoulder) In there. Straight back to the cow and hang a left. You’ll recognize the tunic.
Jezebel: (walks onstage) So, what’s with all the traffic? I was just on my way home, and it looked like there was a parade going on here.
Micah: (points to Simeon) Ask the old man, he seems to have a handle on it.
Jezebel: Old man?
Simeon: It’s the Messiah. God has sent the Messiah tonight -- he’s kept his promise to us. And I’ve lived to see him with my own two eyes, so he’s kept his promise to me, too.
Jezebel: Oh, is that all? (starts to walk away) See you around.
Micah: You’re not going? It seems like the thing to do, here.
Jezebel: (she stops) I don’t think so. I’ve already told you about me and the Messiah -- if it really is him.
Simeon: It is!
Jezebel: If it is, I’ve got no place being around the likes of him, stranger. I’m not his kind of girl. He wouldn’t want me there.
Simeon: But you’re wrong. He doesn’t care about what you’ve done -- just who you are. He’s here for you.
Jezebel: (hesitates) Are you sure?
Simeon: Why don’t you go in and see? It’s not every day you get to see a miracle.
Jezebel: Well -- maybe. (She starts to go into the stable, steps out, and sets down her lamp, then walks in. As she does, Simeon puts an arm on Micah’s shoulder.)
Simeon: Do you understand, now?
Micah: No, actually I’m pretty confused.
Simeon: Then let me explain it to you. Come on. (as they walk into the stable) It all starts with a God who loves us so much, that he’s willing to send his Son to bring us back ...
Producer: (after a moment) Uh -- I guess that’s a wrap.
(Micah steps back out, waves the Producer in)
Micah: Come on. Jesus is for everyone -- even producers.
Producer: (as she follows him) Even network executives?
Micah: (makes a so-so gesture, wobbling his hand) Eh -- we’ll have to see about that.
The End
