Fashionable Motherhood
Self Help
What's A Mother/Father To Do?
Parenting For The New Millennium
A good wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels ...
She looks well to the ways of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her ...
-- Proverbs 31:10, 27-28
It is difficult to admit, but the Bible is out of fashion with many women today. Hard as it is to acknowledge, varieties of feminists and other females roll their eyes when the Bible is quoted as an authority when it comes to questions of marriage, family, and motherhood.
Convinced the Bible reflects totally a bygone era of oppressive patriarchy, and persuaded the women of the Bible are often portrayed as little more than servants or slaves, numerous women are ready to turn elsewhere for advice on womanhood and motherhood and families.
As a matter of fact, it is difficult to find biblical passages brides will consent to have read at their weddings. For example, in a typical wedding passage in the New Testament, the Letter of First Peter advises: "Wives be submissive to your husbands ... as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord" (1 Peter 3:1, 6). Try to get that passage read at weddings! Now my name is not Abraham, but my wife's name is Sara, and I read this passage to her regularly! Even though she is a minister devoted to preaching the message of the Bible, when I read this scripture her eyes glaze over, and she suddenly becomes hard of hearing.
Or think of other biblical passages from the feminists' "favorite author," the Apostle Paul. In Paul's letter to the Ephesians, he writes, "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is of the Church ... As the Church is subject to Christ, so let wives be subject in everything to their husbands" (Ephesians 5:22-24).
As if that were not insult enough to today's liberated women, listen to the Pauline pastoral epistle of 1 Timothy where he says, "Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent."
And then to add insult to injury, he makes women responsible for the introduction of sin into the human race. "For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor," which is to say that in the Garden of Eden she took the first bite out of the "big apple" and then seduced Adam.
However, there is hope for the woman. For as Paul goes on to say, "Yet woman will be saved through the bearing of children, if she continues in faith and love and holiness, with modesty" (1 Timothy 2:11-15). Notice he says nothing about education or career, let alone a career in the ministry. He seems to prescribe a quiet, submissive home life for women whose two most important rooms will be the bedroom and kitchen, not the office and boardroom.
And even when we turn to the Old Testament text of Proverbs, we have some difficulty. Proverbs, a collection of wise sayings out of ancient Near Eastern wisdom literature, has some uncomplimentary things to say about women. For example, "A wife's quarreling is a continual dripping of rain" (19:3). "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (21:9). "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are alike, to restrain her is to restrain the wind, or to grasp oil in one's right hand" (27:15-16). And throughout the book of Proverbs, young men and old are constantly warned of the seductive and destructive powers of harlots and other loose women.
Nevertheless, good women are also highly praised in this revered book of antiquity, which was included in both the Jewish and Christian Bibles. Selected as an authority to be read in synagogues and churches, the book of Proverbs has taught generation upon generation of Jews and Christians wise insight with respect to child rearing and parenting. And key to it all was the role of the mother. For as the ancient sage observed: "House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord" (19:14).
And in the last chapter of this revered book, the ideal wife and mother is highly praised and respected. And it may surprise you that this sacred scripture, 2,500 years old, has sage advice which seems amazingly fashionable. Consider some of the teachings on fashionable motherhood.
I.
Note first of all, she is portrayed as an astute businesswoman.
Consider just a few allusions to her economic ventures. "She seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands" (31:13). "She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night" (31:18). In other words, she appears to be familiar with the textile markets and she "burns the midnight oil" making merchandise that sells at a good price. As the writer says: "She makes linen garments and sells them. She delivers girdles to the merchant" (31:24).
Unlike the Pauline woman who is advised to stay at home, bear children, and in all modesty learn from her husband, this virtuous woman of 2,500 years ago, in a supposed patriarchal society, is circulating among the textile markets and wholesale and retail merchants. She is savvy in the "garment district" business, a business she apparently learned on her own.
But her economic capabilities go beyond that to an area almost unbelievable for her time -- the area of real estate. For as the author says: "She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard" (31:16).
Long before the present-day world where so much of the residential real estate is sold by women to women who pick out the house for the family, this woman of Proverbs was a fashionably shrewd entrepreneur. More than that, centuries before women were getting involved in the California wine industry, she was investing in vineyards which presumably became profitable.
Therefore, the biblical woman of antiquity becomes strangely fashionable for women and mothers of our time who wish to participate successfully in the business and professional world. She is shrewd, diligent, hardworking, delivering a high-quality product prized by the most reputable merchants. She is the model of an honest, industrious businessperson. Women and mothers in business and professional life would do well to emulate her.
II.
A second fashionable quality exemplified by this virtuous woman of antiquity is her devotion to family.
Consider what the ancient sage says about this aspect of her personality: "She rises while it is still night and provides food for her household" (31:15). "She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet" (warm, double-layered clothing) (31:21). "She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness" (31:27).
Perhaps it is precisely here our much-admired woman begins to fall out of favor and begins to seem out of step with modern women. While the woman of Proverbs seemed to have a kind of cottage industry which kept her at home, most of today's working women (about fifty percent of women with children at home are working) work away from the home! And what may seem more alarming as far as motherhood and families are concerned, many women seem to enjoy being at work more than being at home.
In a recent New York Times Magazine article by Arlie Russell Hochschild ("There's No Place Like Work," 4/20/97), many women frankly admit that, emotionally speaking, home and work have changed places. Many women and mothers feel more emotionally home at work than they do at home, and therefore find themselves spending more and more time at work.
Hochschild tells the story of working mother, Gwen, who delivers her four-year-old daughter, Cassie, to the Spotted Deer Child Care Center at 7:40 a.m., her hair half-combed, a blanket in one hand, a usually-forbidden fudge bar in the other.
Handing over Cassie to the worker in charge, Gwen says apologetically, "I'm late ... Cassie wanted the fudge bar so bad, I gave it to her." Four-year-old Cassie pleads, "Please can't you take me with you?" Knowing the answer in advance, Cassie's shoulders droop and her countenance falls as she fingers the fudge bar which is the bribe and substitute for her mother's time.
But as Gwen arrives at work trying to shake off the "guilties" for leaving Cassie behind, she is comforted by her orderly office, the hot coffee on her desk, prepared just the way she likes it, with the full challenge of her professional day before her.
Despite the fact that Gwen's company has flextime and other "family friendly" policies, she does not utilize them, nor do most of the other working men and women of the country. In addition to being cast as a woman on the "mommy track," and therefore in the slow lane, in addition to many single mothers having to work, in addition to the financial pressures to help pay for the cars, mortgages, and boats, in addition to the down-sizing threats and layoffs which are very real in many companies -- in addition to all that, Hochschild found out an even more important factor causing women to work more and more, longer and longer. And the factor is this -- women find the workplace to be more emotionally satisfying than the home place. Work has become a form of "home" and home has become "work."
Hochschild, in her study, observed that home and work have indeed reversed places. Home used to be the place where people could be most relaxed, be "themselves," be most secure and comfortable. Work used to be where you were "just a number," a "cog in a machine," where one had to be "on" and "act" and where one was most harried. So the irony is, many modern women go to work to relax, to be themselves, and to fulfill their identity.
Whereas enlightened companies like the one where Gwen works provide workshops and seminars and training on how to cope professionally and emotionally at work, the emotional work of "forging, deepening, or repairing family relationships" at home is complicated and exhausting. Besides, the length of employment of the average worker at Gwen's company was often longer than the length of marriage in our much-divorced, much-remarried culture.
Therefore, says Hochschild, "The shifting balance between these two 'divorce rates' may be the most powerful reason why tired parents flee a world of unresolved quarrels and unwashed laundry for the orderliness, harmony, and managed cheer of work. People," says Hochschild, "are getting their 'pink slips' at home."
If the modern working mother uses the microwave to prepare ninety-second oatmeal for her little ones just before she rushes out to her job, the woman of Proverbs rose before dawn to prepare a family breakfast. If the modern working mother has a home so as to work, the woman of Proverbs has work so as to have her ideal home.
If the modern working mother has children who rebel, dawdle, and act out their frustrations of parental neglect, the woman of Proverbs has children who "rise up and call her blessed." To say it another way, the woman of antiquity heard the voice of ancient, inspired wisdom, that in the long run children and family are more important than economic success. And the modern working woman will want to give home and family the attention they need.
III.
The third thing we learn from this model mother of Proverbs is this: she takes responsibility for teaching her children. As the sage puts it: "She opens her mouth with wisdom. And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue" (31:26).
A highly-paid woman executive told me recently she would quit her job in a minute to devote full-time to raising their little girl if her husband made enough money to support them in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. But then she quickly added, she would want to work some, to remain in the adult world and to maintain some elements of her career. She speaks for many women of today who do in fact find great satisfaction in career pursuits, but who place high value on bonding with their little ones and influencing them in their formative years. "After all," said this young, female executive, "if I don't shape my daughter, someone else will."
New research is showing how true that is. In a recent cover story, Time magazine (2/3/97, p. 47ff) pointed out the tremendous development of the human brain in a child, especially in the first three years of life. While much brain development takes place within the womb, an enormous amount takes place after birth. For example, at birth the baby's brain contains 100 billion neurons, roughly as many nerve cells as there are stars in the Milky Way. While these do not increase much after birth, the number of synapses (the signaling system) expands from about 2,500 per neuron at birth to 18,000 per neuron six months later. So multiply each of these numbers times 100 billion, and you get an idea of the astounding complexity of the human brain.
But here is the important thing for mothers who want to be fashionable; the parents' early relating, holding, and bonding are crucial in the development of the child's brain. A child sung to, spoken to, cooed to, held and swaddled, cuddled and stimulated by adoring parents develops a brain twenty to thirty percent larger than infants who are neglected and ignored.
These data are raising new concerns about leaving the very young in the care of others who may or may not develop your child as you wish. J. Madeline Nash says in her Time article that "the data underscore the importance of hands-on parenting, of finding time to cuddle a baby, talk with a toddler, and provide infants with stimulating experiences" (p. 51). And, says Frank Newman, president of the Education Commission of the States, "There is a time scale to brain development, and the most important year is the first" (Ibid.).
But if infancy is extremely important, so is later childhood. And the volume is increasing in the "quality time vs. quantity time" debate. Increasing criticism is being leveled at the 1970s' "quality time" concept that it's not the amount of time you spend with your children, but the kind of time you spend with them. But Harvard University Medical School psychologist Ronald Levant says, "I think quality time is just a way of deluding ourselves into short-changing our children. Children need vast amounts of parental time and attention. It's an illusion to think they're going to be on your timetable, and that you can say, 'Okay, we've got a half hour, let's get on with it' " (Ibid., p. 64). And watching television during dinner or daddy talking on the cell phone during the entire Little League game just won't cut it as quality time.
Researchers are increasingly pointing out the importance of quantity time with family -- of being there, being accessible, being around, being present and concerned. Stephen Krachmer, author of Quantity Time: Moving Beyond the Quality Time Myth, recommends parents concentrate on the three Rs of memory making, namely routines, rituals, and ridiculous. Routines and rituals help establish emotional identity and continuity. Besides, children have learned what Ogden Nash observed years ago in his little couplet: "A child need not be very clever to learn that 'Later, dear,' means 'Never.' "
And the "later, dear" goes by so fast that suddenly children are grown and gone and you hardly know one another. Besides, my wife and I have found that in raising our six children most experiences of "quality time" could not be planned or orchestrated. They just "happened" and usually they happened in the context of quantity time, times when we're just together and those wonderful, serendipitous moments happened -- unplanned, unmanipulated, unprogrammed. Even yet that is the case.
They just "happened" because we were together. And I can assure you of this -- they would not have happened had we not been together -- together in the routine of always eating dinner together, with absolutely no television or reading at table or telephone calls while eating. True, many of those times were, as our kids used to say, "Boring." But even our children will admit that many of those times turned out to be immensely satisfying, emotional times. And you need quantity time for them to happen.
Well, there you have it, tips for fashionable motherhood from a model mother of 2,500 years ago, tips from the latest "fashionable" research and authors from contemporary magazines. I suspect the virtuous woman of Proverbs will live on for centuries more, because she was economically enterprising, devoted to her family more than work, and determined to teach her children from infancy through adolescence.
No wonder it was said of her: "Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all" (Proverbs 31:28-29). Women and mothers who follow the example of this noble woman of antiquity will always be in fashion: Children and husband alike will praise her. May God bless all our mothers and women!
Prayer
Eternal God, parent of us all, out of whose Being has come femaleness and femininity, and out of whose creative powers have come the womb and conception, birth and motherhood, we adore and praise you for these marvels and miracles so much beyond our power or understanding. With the birth of each new baby, with the miraculous development of each infant and toddler, and with the growth and learning and independence of teenagers, we are forever amazed at the miracles of life and growth unfolding before us. We give you thanks and praise.
We confess before you it is easy for us to take life for granted, to live as if our life were our own and not a gift, to busy ourselves in the pursuit of our interests without being thankful for who we are and what we have been given. You have made us for yourself. We ultimately belong to you. Forgive our self-centeredness and forgetfulness.
On this day we are especially grateful for our mothers who, in the discomforts of pregnancy, the risks of childbirth, and the challenges of child rearing brought us forth and nurtured us in love. We are thankful for their patience and forbearance, their instruction and forgiveness, their steadfast love which assured us they would always be there when we needed them. In your presence, O God, we call to mind their kindness and selflessness, their self-giving ways and steady endurance.
In these challenging times we ask your special blessing for all girls and women and mothers. Some are unsure of their sexual identity. We pray your guidance and help for them. Some are unsure about career or marriage or both. Lead them by the hand, we pray. Some mothers have children that present a special challenge. Give them wisdom and strength to cope. Help our girls and women and grant them the blessing they need.
And for all families -- single-parent families, or blended families, or grieving families, or families stressed, or troubled, or happy -- we ask your rich blessing this day. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
She is far more precious than jewels ...
She looks well to the ways of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her ...
-- Proverbs 31:10, 27-28
It is difficult to admit, but the Bible is out of fashion with many women today. Hard as it is to acknowledge, varieties of feminists and other females roll their eyes when the Bible is quoted as an authority when it comes to questions of marriage, family, and motherhood.
Convinced the Bible reflects totally a bygone era of oppressive patriarchy, and persuaded the women of the Bible are often portrayed as little more than servants or slaves, numerous women are ready to turn elsewhere for advice on womanhood and motherhood and families.
As a matter of fact, it is difficult to find biblical passages brides will consent to have read at their weddings. For example, in a typical wedding passage in the New Testament, the Letter of First Peter advises: "Wives be submissive to your husbands ... as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord" (1 Peter 3:1, 6). Try to get that passage read at weddings! Now my name is not Abraham, but my wife's name is Sara, and I read this passage to her regularly! Even though she is a minister devoted to preaching the message of the Bible, when I read this scripture her eyes glaze over, and she suddenly becomes hard of hearing.
Or think of other biblical passages from the feminists' "favorite author," the Apostle Paul. In Paul's letter to the Ephesians, he writes, "Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is of the Church ... As the Church is subject to Christ, so let wives be subject in everything to their husbands" (Ephesians 5:22-24).
As if that were not insult enough to today's liberated women, listen to the Pauline pastoral epistle of 1 Timothy where he says, "Let a woman learn in silence with all submission. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent."
And then to add insult to injury, he makes women responsible for the introduction of sin into the human race. "For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor," which is to say that in the Garden of Eden she took the first bite out of the "big apple" and then seduced Adam.
However, there is hope for the woman. For as Paul goes on to say, "Yet woman will be saved through the bearing of children, if she continues in faith and love and holiness, with modesty" (1 Timothy 2:11-15). Notice he says nothing about education or career, let alone a career in the ministry. He seems to prescribe a quiet, submissive home life for women whose two most important rooms will be the bedroom and kitchen, not the office and boardroom.
And even when we turn to the Old Testament text of Proverbs, we have some difficulty. Proverbs, a collection of wise sayings out of ancient Near Eastern wisdom literature, has some uncomplimentary things to say about women. For example, "A wife's quarreling is a continual dripping of rain" (19:3). "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (21:9). "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are alike, to restrain her is to restrain the wind, or to grasp oil in one's right hand" (27:15-16). And throughout the book of Proverbs, young men and old are constantly warned of the seductive and destructive powers of harlots and other loose women.
Nevertheless, good women are also highly praised in this revered book of antiquity, which was included in both the Jewish and Christian Bibles. Selected as an authority to be read in synagogues and churches, the book of Proverbs has taught generation upon generation of Jews and Christians wise insight with respect to child rearing and parenting. And key to it all was the role of the mother. For as the ancient sage observed: "House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord" (19:14).
And in the last chapter of this revered book, the ideal wife and mother is highly praised and respected. And it may surprise you that this sacred scripture, 2,500 years old, has sage advice which seems amazingly fashionable. Consider some of the teachings on fashionable motherhood.
I.
Note first of all, she is portrayed as an astute businesswoman.
Consider just a few allusions to her economic ventures. "She seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands" (31:13). "She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night" (31:18). In other words, she appears to be familiar with the textile markets and she "burns the midnight oil" making merchandise that sells at a good price. As the writer says: "She makes linen garments and sells them. She delivers girdles to the merchant" (31:24).
Unlike the Pauline woman who is advised to stay at home, bear children, and in all modesty learn from her husband, this virtuous woman of 2,500 years ago, in a supposed patriarchal society, is circulating among the textile markets and wholesale and retail merchants. She is savvy in the "garment district" business, a business she apparently learned on her own.
But her economic capabilities go beyond that to an area almost unbelievable for her time -- the area of real estate. For as the author says: "She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard" (31:16).
Long before the present-day world where so much of the residential real estate is sold by women to women who pick out the house for the family, this woman of Proverbs was a fashionably shrewd entrepreneur. More than that, centuries before women were getting involved in the California wine industry, she was investing in vineyards which presumably became profitable.
Therefore, the biblical woman of antiquity becomes strangely fashionable for women and mothers of our time who wish to participate successfully in the business and professional world. She is shrewd, diligent, hardworking, delivering a high-quality product prized by the most reputable merchants. She is the model of an honest, industrious businessperson. Women and mothers in business and professional life would do well to emulate her.
II.
A second fashionable quality exemplified by this virtuous woman of antiquity is her devotion to family.
Consider what the ancient sage says about this aspect of her personality: "She rises while it is still night and provides food for her household" (31:15). "She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet" (warm, double-layered clothing) (31:21). "She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness" (31:27).
Perhaps it is precisely here our much-admired woman begins to fall out of favor and begins to seem out of step with modern women. While the woman of Proverbs seemed to have a kind of cottage industry which kept her at home, most of today's working women (about fifty percent of women with children at home are working) work away from the home! And what may seem more alarming as far as motherhood and families are concerned, many women seem to enjoy being at work more than being at home.
In a recent New York Times Magazine article by Arlie Russell Hochschild ("There's No Place Like Work," 4/20/97), many women frankly admit that, emotionally speaking, home and work have changed places. Many women and mothers feel more emotionally home at work than they do at home, and therefore find themselves spending more and more time at work.
Hochschild tells the story of working mother, Gwen, who delivers her four-year-old daughter, Cassie, to the Spotted Deer Child Care Center at 7:40 a.m., her hair half-combed, a blanket in one hand, a usually-forbidden fudge bar in the other.
Handing over Cassie to the worker in charge, Gwen says apologetically, "I'm late ... Cassie wanted the fudge bar so bad, I gave it to her." Four-year-old Cassie pleads, "Please can't you take me with you?" Knowing the answer in advance, Cassie's shoulders droop and her countenance falls as she fingers the fudge bar which is the bribe and substitute for her mother's time.
But as Gwen arrives at work trying to shake off the "guilties" for leaving Cassie behind, she is comforted by her orderly office, the hot coffee on her desk, prepared just the way she likes it, with the full challenge of her professional day before her.
Despite the fact that Gwen's company has flextime and other "family friendly" policies, she does not utilize them, nor do most of the other working men and women of the country. In addition to being cast as a woman on the "mommy track," and therefore in the slow lane, in addition to many single mothers having to work, in addition to the financial pressures to help pay for the cars, mortgages, and boats, in addition to the down-sizing threats and layoffs which are very real in many companies -- in addition to all that, Hochschild found out an even more important factor causing women to work more and more, longer and longer. And the factor is this -- women find the workplace to be more emotionally satisfying than the home place. Work has become a form of "home" and home has become "work."
Hochschild, in her study, observed that home and work have indeed reversed places. Home used to be the place where people could be most relaxed, be "themselves," be most secure and comfortable. Work used to be where you were "just a number," a "cog in a machine," where one had to be "on" and "act" and where one was most harried. So the irony is, many modern women go to work to relax, to be themselves, and to fulfill their identity.
Whereas enlightened companies like the one where Gwen works provide workshops and seminars and training on how to cope professionally and emotionally at work, the emotional work of "forging, deepening, or repairing family relationships" at home is complicated and exhausting. Besides, the length of employment of the average worker at Gwen's company was often longer than the length of marriage in our much-divorced, much-remarried culture.
Therefore, says Hochschild, "The shifting balance between these two 'divorce rates' may be the most powerful reason why tired parents flee a world of unresolved quarrels and unwashed laundry for the orderliness, harmony, and managed cheer of work. People," says Hochschild, "are getting their 'pink slips' at home."
If the modern working mother uses the microwave to prepare ninety-second oatmeal for her little ones just before she rushes out to her job, the woman of Proverbs rose before dawn to prepare a family breakfast. If the modern working mother has a home so as to work, the woman of Proverbs has work so as to have her ideal home.
If the modern working mother has children who rebel, dawdle, and act out their frustrations of parental neglect, the woman of Proverbs has children who "rise up and call her blessed." To say it another way, the woman of antiquity heard the voice of ancient, inspired wisdom, that in the long run children and family are more important than economic success. And the modern working woman will want to give home and family the attention they need.
III.
The third thing we learn from this model mother of Proverbs is this: she takes responsibility for teaching her children. As the sage puts it: "She opens her mouth with wisdom. And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue" (31:26).
A highly-paid woman executive told me recently she would quit her job in a minute to devote full-time to raising their little girl if her husband made enough money to support them in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. But then she quickly added, she would want to work some, to remain in the adult world and to maintain some elements of her career. She speaks for many women of today who do in fact find great satisfaction in career pursuits, but who place high value on bonding with their little ones and influencing them in their formative years. "After all," said this young, female executive, "if I don't shape my daughter, someone else will."
New research is showing how true that is. In a recent cover story, Time magazine (2/3/97, p. 47ff) pointed out the tremendous development of the human brain in a child, especially in the first three years of life. While much brain development takes place within the womb, an enormous amount takes place after birth. For example, at birth the baby's brain contains 100 billion neurons, roughly as many nerve cells as there are stars in the Milky Way. While these do not increase much after birth, the number of synapses (the signaling system) expands from about 2,500 per neuron at birth to 18,000 per neuron six months later. So multiply each of these numbers times 100 billion, and you get an idea of the astounding complexity of the human brain.
But here is the important thing for mothers who want to be fashionable; the parents' early relating, holding, and bonding are crucial in the development of the child's brain. A child sung to, spoken to, cooed to, held and swaddled, cuddled and stimulated by adoring parents develops a brain twenty to thirty percent larger than infants who are neglected and ignored.
These data are raising new concerns about leaving the very young in the care of others who may or may not develop your child as you wish. J. Madeline Nash says in her Time article that "the data underscore the importance of hands-on parenting, of finding time to cuddle a baby, talk with a toddler, and provide infants with stimulating experiences" (p. 51). And, says Frank Newman, president of the Education Commission of the States, "There is a time scale to brain development, and the most important year is the first" (Ibid.).
But if infancy is extremely important, so is later childhood. And the volume is increasing in the "quality time vs. quantity time" debate. Increasing criticism is being leveled at the 1970s' "quality time" concept that it's not the amount of time you spend with your children, but the kind of time you spend with them. But Harvard University Medical School psychologist Ronald Levant says, "I think quality time is just a way of deluding ourselves into short-changing our children. Children need vast amounts of parental time and attention. It's an illusion to think they're going to be on your timetable, and that you can say, 'Okay, we've got a half hour, let's get on with it' " (Ibid., p. 64). And watching television during dinner or daddy talking on the cell phone during the entire Little League game just won't cut it as quality time.
Researchers are increasingly pointing out the importance of quantity time with family -- of being there, being accessible, being around, being present and concerned. Stephen Krachmer, author of Quantity Time: Moving Beyond the Quality Time Myth, recommends parents concentrate on the three Rs of memory making, namely routines, rituals, and ridiculous. Routines and rituals help establish emotional identity and continuity. Besides, children have learned what Ogden Nash observed years ago in his little couplet: "A child need not be very clever to learn that 'Later, dear,' means 'Never.' "
And the "later, dear" goes by so fast that suddenly children are grown and gone and you hardly know one another. Besides, my wife and I have found that in raising our six children most experiences of "quality time" could not be planned or orchestrated. They just "happened" and usually they happened in the context of quantity time, times when we're just together and those wonderful, serendipitous moments happened -- unplanned, unmanipulated, unprogrammed. Even yet that is the case.
They just "happened" because we were together. And I can assure you of this -- they would not have happened had we not been together -- together in the routine of always eating dinner together, with absolutely no television or reading at table or telephone calls while eating. True, many of those times were, as our kids used to say, "Boring." But even our children will admit that many of those times turned out to be immensely satisfying, emotional times. And you need quantity time for them to happen.
Well, there you have it, tips for fashionable motherhood from a model mother of 2,500 years ago, tips from the latest "fashionable" research and authors from contemporary magazines. I suspect the virtuous woman of Proverbs will live on for centuries more, because she was economically enterprising, devoted to her family more than work, and determined to teach her children from infancy through adolescence.
No wonder it was said of her: "Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all" (Proverbs 31:28-29). Women and mothers who follow the example of this noble woman of antiquity will always be in fashion: Children and husband alike will praise her. May God bless all our mothers and women!
Prayer
Eternal God, parent of us all, out of whose Being has come femaleness and femininity, and out of whose creative powers have come the womb and conception, birth and motherhood, we adore and praise you for these marvels and miracles so much beyond our power or understanding. With the birth of each new baby, with the miraculous development of each infant and toddler, and with the growth and learning and independence of teenagers, we are forever amazed at the miracles of life and growth unfolding before us. We give you thanks and praise.
We confess before you it is easy for us to take life for granted, to live as if our life were our own and not a gift, to busy ourselves in the pursuit of our interests without being thankful for who we are and what we have been given. You have made us for yourself. We ultimately belong to you. Forgive our self-centeredness and forgetfulness.
On this day we are especially grateful for our mothers who, in the discomforts of pregnancy, the risks of childbirth, and the challenges of child rearing brought us forth and nurtured us in love. We are thankful for their patience and forbearance, their instruction and forgiveness, their steadfast love which assured us they would always be there when we needed them. In your presence, O God, we call to mind their kindness and selflessness, their self-giving ways and steady endurance.
In these challenging times we ask your special blessing for all girls and women and mothers. Some are unsure of their sexual identity. We pray your guidance and help for them. Some are unsure about career or marriage or both. Lead them by the hand, we pray. Some mothers have children that present a special challenge. Give them wisdom and strength to cope. Help our girls and women and grant them the blessing they need.
And for all families -- single-parent families, or blended families, or grieving families, or families stressed, or troubled, or happy -- we ask your rich blessing this day. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
