The Inward Woman
Self Help
What's A Mother/Father To Do?
Parenting For The New Millennium
Let not yours be the outward adorning with braiding of hair, decoration of gold and wearing of fine clothing, but let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. -- 1 Peter 3:3-4
It must be admitted at the outset that a man takes his life in his own hands when he ventures to speak out publicly about women and their role in marriage, family, and society. In a society where advocates of political correctness swoop down upon any politically incorrect comment more ruthlessly than the old KGB on suspected traitors, one is reluctant to speak out. That is especially true if one appears to give an alternative view to what is currently fashionable in the salons of political correctness.
And what could be more politically incorrect than this passage from Peter's First Letter, which advises women to be submissive to their husbands? Those are fighting words right off. When this passage is read in church these days, smoke can be seen visibly emanating from smoldering women! Most self-respecting brides long ago demanded that the word "obey" be omitted from the wedding ceremony, and it is the rare bride indeed who would now allow this passage to be read at her wedding.
Besides, in this passage women are advised to avoid undue attention to dress, coiffure, and jewelry. While in the '60s, the "back-to-the-earth" movement of hippies and flower-children would take comfort in the plain look of jeans, T-shirts, and sandals, no self-respecting woman today would be caught without her designer sweatsuit and sneakers. If that earlier generation rejected Paris fashion statements and garment district dictates, today's women seem more fashion conscious than ever. So, Peter has an uphill battle in selling his advice to women of today.
Yes, of today. But part of our task as Christians, who profess faith in Christ as our Lord, and who affirm the Bible as our rule of faith and practice, is to understand the yesterday of Christ and the Bible.
After all, when this text was written 1,900 years ago, the status of women was quite different in the predominant Graeco-Roman and Jewish culture. In general, women had few legal rights and could be easily divorced. Their primary roles were those of sexual companion, child-bearer, and domestic worker.
A woman was the victim of blatant double standards wherein she could be killed for adultery. (Remember Jesus' forgiveness of the adulterous woman who was about to be stoned by men, while the adulterous man was not so threatened?) The woman of that time rarely was well-educated and therefore was expected to keep silent in public assemblies and to learn from her husband. In some religions, she did not have equal rights, and was excluded or relegated to the balcony or back of the sanctuary behind the screen, as is the practice to this day in Islam and Orthodox Judaism.
But in its time, early Christianity began radically to alter the place and role of women. Women figured prominently and importantly in Jesus' life and ministry. The church's teaching of the sanctity of sex and marriage served to enhance the woman's importance and security. Perhaps that is why the early church, as today, draws more women to it than men. And perhaps that is why Peter here gives more advice to women, especially on how to behave toward their non-Christian husbands.
Despite the passage of nineteen centuries, this text from our sacred writings holds good advice on how to be an inward woman.
I.
First of all, Peter advises the Christian woman to concentrate more on her devotion to God, than her devotion to dress.
Some years ago I became more aware of various "Holiness" churches that concentrate on achieving holiness and perfection in this life and believed that every word of the New Testament should be obeyed literally.
Consequently, when they read this passage from Peter, they took it along with some passages from Paul literally. They would not allow their women to cut their hair. Nor could they wear short-sleeved blouses or dresses above the knees. Cosmetics and jewelry were forbidden. Once the women complied with these regulations, they found acceptance within the group.
While these churches develop some remarkable women, it becomes obvious, nevertheless, to the careful observer that the absence of these adornments and refinements does not make a woman true, gentle, chaste, or inward rather than outward. As it turned out, some of those women could be quite demanding, domineering, and self-righteous. The same was true of the secular version of that, the hippie and grubby era. Absence of style and makeup do not necessarily make the authentic woman.
Nevertheless, trying to advise today's woman to be unconcerned about make-up or jewelry or clothes is about as hopeless as advising a teenage boy not to think about sex. I am reminded of Charles Revson's comment as head of the Revlon Corporation. He said, "In the factory we manufacture cosmetics; in the store we sell hope!"
And if in a poorer, post-Depression, pre-war generation, clothes were used practically and passed on as hand-me-downs, today's affluent mood regards clothes essentially as costuming, to be purchased and discarded as quickly as the fashion industry can persuade us to do so. Women today are concerned not only to be clothed, but also to be clothed in the right costume, the in fashion. And some, just to make sure we know they are wearing the right thing, wear the label on the outside. Thus, the anxiety of being "accepted," of being "in," of being "with it," is determined by the external label or costume.
This may seem harmless enough until this externalism, this materialism manifests itself in third graders who shun the girl not quite properly dressed, and laugh at the boy without the $120 sneakers with the "in" brand name. The children seem to act out the ruthless anxiety and exclusivism which seem to be in the hearts of their parents. And it can be vicious.
Clothes, coiffure, and make-up do not the woman make. We all have seen models with beautiful bodies but vacant faces. We have observed women with beautiful figures but empty hearts, women big on style, but small on character.
Obviously, Peter is not advising women and girls to be unkempt grubbies, slovenly dressed. Most all of us feel better about ourselves when we are properly groomed and attractively well dressed. Peter is not criticizing that.
Instead, he is saying that the human soul needs a more adequate center for life than the latest design out of Paris. He is emphasizing the importance of centering upon God and bringing the self to true center, instead of seeking centers "out there" in styles and dress, centers which forever breed uncertainty, anxiety, and the need for constant approval from others.
Therefore, the woman who would be inward, stable, well-balanced with a healthy self-concept will center her life on God. Her primary source of acceptance and approval will be God rather than the whimsical codes of social fashion. She will see herself as more than a consumer mannequin, for the display of the designer's ego. Instead, hers will be the quiet, confident, chaste conduct of the self, centered on the Divine Spirit, Source of all life, which endures beyond social change and cultural convention. Depending on the grace of God, she will herself be gracious.
II.
If Peter first advises devotion to God over devotion to dress, he secondly advises devotion to husband and family over debate and demand.
He starts out the passage suggesting Christian wives even be submissive to their non-Christian husbands and then ends the passage by suggesting Christian wives be submissive to their Christian husbands as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him "Lord" and "my master." My wife's name is Sara, and I have read this text to her regularly, but without much success, except to receive an occasional sarcastic "Yes, sir!" I don't think that's what Peter had in mind!
But neither Peter nor Paul had in mind a woman tolerating an abusive, dictatorial, boorish, brutish tyrant. And alas, a lot of women have had to put up with that. Peter and Paul would be appalled with that. Instead, as Christians they are to share a mutuality. Husbands are to "live considerately" with their wives, which means, to live graciously and thoughtfully and in a kindly way.
Especially today, when women are well-educated, perceptive, shrewd, and strong, the idea of being the "weaker sex" in anything but physical strength is a bit repugnant. I am reminded of Tom Darcy's two cartoons of Hillary Clinton, one showing her adding a ten-story addition to her side of the White House, and Bill shouting from his side, "Hillary!" and the other showing Hillary at the desk in the Oval Office telling Bill to "move over."
If Hillary Clinton seemed to balance family and the Assistant Presidency with alacrity, many other women are having more difficulty. In a forthcoming book, Women and The Work/Family Dilemma, based on a survey of 902 female graduates of Harvard's law, medical, and business schools, women seem to progress to "big time" until they become mothers. The authors, Deborah Swiss and Judith Walker, said: "We thought if we surveyed the best-credential women in the country, we would uncover creative solutions to balancing work and family. Instead," says Swiss, "what we found was incredible anger and frustration about the difficulty of being a working mother" (Time, 5/10/93, pp. 44 ff.).
They go on to recount how many women were penalized in their work careers when they became pregnant. They were passed over for promotion, denied normal advancement, and experienced significant reductions in income after maternity leave. While women have made tremendous advances in the work place, and while significant advances need yet to be made, Christian women are to be reminded of the importance of healthy marriage and sound family life.
Christian women, in their concern for economic and social reforms, need to be careful not to denigrate their femininity and their family. Maggie Gallagher, in her book, Enemies of Eros, says that the so-called sexual revolution is killing marriage and family. She warns that children can begin to get the feeling that every mother has a price at which her loyalty to husband and family can be bought. A woman's frustrations in work and career, which arise because she has a career, can lead to an intense resentment, even hatred, of family.
Gallagher goes on to warn against always demanding our rights and justice in the family setting. Seeking social justice may be admirable, she says, but demanding justice in personal relationships is "an unnatural act." She then adds, "Justice is the least men may claim from us. Justice is giving to each man exactly what he deserves and no more. Justice," says Gallagher, "is what we offer those we cannot love. Justice is for strangers." Thus justice in personal relationships, as opposed to self-giving love, is, says Gal-lagher, "second-rate" (p. 158).
In today's high-pressure, stressed-out, materialistic society, where having the right house, the right cars, the right second home, the right wardrobe, and the right vacations -- in such an externalized society of enormous peer pressure, it is easy for women and mothers to lose sight of the importance of marriage and family. In a society increasingly expectant of high-level success from women, it can be difficult to maintain values of family, love, and emotional solidarity.
What is in fact happening is the increased absence of fathers from the family. While they of course bear their share of responsibility for abandonment and withdrawal, so do women and mothers. Today we call upon Christian women to a new commitment to husband and family.
After all, single parent families headed by women comprise nearly 25 percent of our homes at least for a period of time. If current projections prove to be accurate, every baby born today has a fifty-fifty chance of being abandoned by his father. And as a matter of fact, 54 percent of all single mothers live in poverty. When marriage and family disintegrate, unfortunately women suffer economically and socially far more than men.
However, the inward Christian woman will want to devote herself to husband and family not so much out of fear, as out of faith. Rather than succumbing to the role of a strident man-hater, she will see her femininity, her motherhood, and her uniqueness as a female to be the expression of the image of God. She will remember that God created humankind male and female to express his image. The female, feminine dimension is needed in marriage, family, and society to complete the image of God for humanity.
Thus when admitted social and economic injustices do exist for women, we affirm that the truly liberated woman is the truly inward woman, the woman whose worth is established by values and realities deeper than custom, broader than society, higher than culture. Her worth is established in the mind of God, in the creative order of the world, which formed her in the image of God.
Her value and self-esteem are not derived from a Victorian pedestal or from a twentieth century political platform. Her importance arises ultimately not from social mores, from this lifestyle or that, nor from degrees or articles and books published, nor from children raised, dollars earned or careers achieved. Her worth, like that of the inward man, arises first of all from the grace of God, which releases her from the fear of failure and the bondage of guilt.
The inward woman is inward because she has been "grounded" inwardly, forgiven and loved inwardly, accepted and affirmed inwardly, "centered-down" and infused inwardly. Consequently, her dress and her family will reflect first of all her devotion to God. She will remember that while people look on appearances, God looks on the heart. Her true inwardness is achieved through an inward act of faith, a commitment of the heart toward God, an inward appropriation of the grace of God to herself as the image of God's femaleness and femininity. And there can be no better affirmation than that.
Women and mothers, we love you and thank you for all you have given and shared and loved.
Prayer
Eternal God, who has created us male and female, and has ordained that the mystery and wonder and power of life be passed on through mothers, we praise you for the mothers by whom the world has been blessed. We pause to give thanks to you for our own mothers, who through unselfish toil and devotion brought us to maturity. We call to mind their readiness to listen to our problems, their helpfulness in time of need, their willingness to put our interests ahead of their own. We remember the tender moments of love shared, the joy, the laughter, the celebration of our common humanity. Inspire our hearts toward thankfulness, O Lord, and help us express our gratitude to them as we ought.
We pray for the mothers of our nation and community. Many struggle with identity crisis, wondering if they should pursue both career and motherhood. Some agonize over wayward children and others wonder if they should attempt to keep their marriage together. Some cannot have children and wish they could. Others who have children abuse and neglect them. Help our mothers with their several needs and problems, O God. Let wholeness and happiness and a good sense of well-being be theirs on this day.
In the quest for liberation, save our mothers from vengeance and a ruthless spirit. Keep them from the perversions of witchcraft and immorality. Grant that their self-fulfillment will not mean deprivation of their children and the dissolution of their family.
We pray for our spiritual mother, the church, the bride of Christ. May it be strong to nurture our souls and nerve us to face the issues of the day, intent to do your will. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
It must be admitted at the outset that a man takes his life in his own hands when he ventures to speak out publicly about women and their role in marriage, family, and society. In a society where advocates of political correctness swoop down upon any politically incorrect comment more ruthlessly than the old KGB on suspected traitors, one is reluctant to speak out. That is especially true if one appears to give an alternative view to what is currently fashionable in the salons of political correctness.
And what could be more politically incorrect than this passage from Peter's First Letter, which advises women to be submissive to their husbands? Those are fighting words right off. When this passage is read in church these days, smoke can be seen visibly emanating from smoldering women! Most self-respecting brides long ago demanded that the word "obey" be omitted from the wedding ceremony, and it is the rare bride indeed who would now allow this passage to be read at her wedding.
Besides, in this passage women are advised to avoid undue attention to dress, coiffure, and jewelry. While in the '60s, the "back-to-the-earth" movement of hippies and flower-children would take comfort in the plain look of jeans, T-shirts, and sandals, no self-respecting woman today would be caught without her designer sweatsuit and sneakers. If that earlier generation rejected Paris fashion statements and garment district dictates, today's women seem more fashion conscious than ever. So, Peter has an uphill battle in selling his advice to women of today.
Yes, of today. But part of our task as Christians, who profess faith in Christ as our Lord, and who affirm the Bible as our rule of faith and practice, is to understand the yesterday of Christ and the Bible.
After all, when this text was written 1,900 years ago, the status of women was quite different in the predominant Graeco-Roman and Jewish culture. In general, women had few legal rights and could be easily divorced. Their primary roles were those of sexual companion, child-bearer, and domestic worker.
A woman was the victim of blatant double standards wherein she could be killed for adultery. (Remember Jesus' forgiveness of the adulterous woman who was about to be stoned by men, while the adulterous man was not so threatened?) The woman of that time rarely was well-educated and therefore was expected to keep silent in public assemblies and to learn from her husband. In some religions, she did not have equal rights, and was excluded or relegated to the balcony or back of the sanctuary behind the screen, as is the practice to this day in Islam and Orthodox Judaism.
But in its time, early Christianity began radically to alter the place and role of women. Women figured prominently and importantly in Jesus' life and ministry. The church's teaching of the sanctity of sex and marriage served to enhance the woman's importance and security. Perhaps that is why the early church, as today, draws more women to it than men. And perhaps that is why Peter here gives more advice to women, especially on how to behave toward their non-Christian husbands.
Despite the passage of nineteen centuries, this text from our sacred writings holds good advice on how to be an inward woman.
I.
First of all, Peter advises the Christian woman to concentrate more on her devotion to God, than her devotion to dress.
Some years ago I became more aware of various "Holiness" churches that concentrate on achieving holiness and perfection in this life and believed that every word of the New Testament should be obeyed literally.
Consequently, when they read this passage from Peter, they took it along with some passages from Paul literally. They would not allow their women to cut their hair. Nor could they wear short-sleeved blouses or dresses above the knees. Cosmetics and jewelry were forbidden. Once the women complied with these regulations, they found acceptance within the group.
While these churches develop some remarkable women, it becomes obvious, nevertheless, to the careful observer that the absence of these adornments and refinements does not make a woman true, gentle, chaste, or inward rather than outward. As it turned out, some of those women could be quite demanding, domineering, and self-righteous. The same was true of the secular version of that, the hippie and grubby era. Absence of style and makeup do not necessarily make the authentic woman.
Nevertheless, trying to advise today's woman to be unconcerned about make-up or jewelry or clothes is about as hopeless as advising a teenage boy not to think about sex. I am reminded of Charles Revson's comment as head of the Revlon Corporation. He said, "In the factory we manufacture cosmetics; in the store we sell hope!"
And if in a poorer, post-Depression, pre-war generation, clothes were used practically and passed on as hand-me-downs, today's affluent mood regards clothes essentially as costuming, to be purchased and discarded as quickly as the fashion industry can persuade us to do so. Women today are concerned not only to be clothed, but also to be clothed in the right costume, the in fashion. And some, just to make sure we know they are wearing the right thing, wear the label on the outside. Thus, the anxiety of being "accepted," of being "in," of being "with it," is determined by the external label or costume.
This may seem harmless enough until this externalism, this materialism manifests itself in third graders who shun the girl not quite properly dressed, and laugh at the boy without the $120 sneakers with the "in" brand name. The children seem to act out the ruthless anxiety and exclusivism which seem to be in the hearts of their parents. And it can be vicious.
Clothes, coiffure, and make-up do not the woman make. We all have seen models with beautiful bodies but vacant faces. We have observed women with beautiful figures but empty hearts, women big on style, but small on character.
Obviously, Peter is not advising women and girls to be unkempt grubbies, slovenly dressed. Most all of us feel better about ourselves when we are properly groomed and attractively well dressed. Peter is not criticizing that.
Instead, he is saying that the human soul needs a more adequate center for life than the latest design out of Paris. He is emphasizing the importance of centering upon God and bringing the self to true center, instead of seeking centers "out there" in styles and dress, centers which forever breed uncertainty, anxiety, and the need for constant approval from others.
Therefore, the woman who would be inward, stable, well-balanced with a healthy self-concept will center her life on God. Her primary source of acceptance and approval will be God rather than the whimsical codes of social fashion. She will see herself as more than a consumer mannequin, for the display of the designer's ego. Instead, hers will be the quiet, confident, chaste conduct of the self, centered on the Divine Spirit, Source of all life, which endures beyond social change and cultural convention. Depending on the grace of God, she will herself be gracious.
II.
If Peter first advises devotion to God over devotion to dress, he secondly advises devotion to husband and family over debate and demand.
He starts out the passage suggesting Christian wives even be submissive to their non-Christian husbands and then ends the passage by suggesting Christian wives be submissive to their Christian husbands as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him "Lord" and "my master." My wife's name is Sara, and I have read this text to her regularly, but without much success, except to receive an occasional sarcastic "Yes, sir!" I don't think that's what Peter had in mind!
But neither Peter nor Paul had in mind a woman tolerating an abusive, dictatorial, boorish, brutish tyrant. And alas, a lot of women have had to put up with that. Peter and Paul would be appalled with that. Instead, as Christians they are to share a mutuality. Husbands are to "live considerately" with their wives, which means, to live graciously and thoughtfully and in a kindly way.
Especially today, when women are well-educated, perceptive, shrewd, and strong, the idea of being the "weaker sex" in anything but physical strength is a bit repugnant. I am reminded of Tom Darcy's two cartoons of Hillary Clinton, one showing her adding a ten-story addition to her side of the White House, and Bill shouting from his side, "Hillary!" and the other showing Hillary at the desk in the Oval Office telling Bill to "move over."
If Hillary Clinton seemed to balance family and the Assistant Presidency with alacrity, many other women are having more difficulty. In a forthcoming book, Women and The Work/Family Dilemma, based on a survey of 902 female graduates of Harvard's law, medical, and business schools, women seem to progress to "big time" until they become mothers. The authors, Deborah Swiss and Judith Walker, said: "We thought if we surveyed the best-credential women in the country, we would uncover creative solutions to balancing work and family. Instead," says Swiss, "what we found was incredible anger and frustration about the difficulty of being a working mother" (Time, 5/10/93, pp. 44 ff.).
They go on to recount how many women were penalized in their work careers when they became pregnant. They were passed over for promotion, denied normal advancement, and experienced significant reductions in income after maternity leave. While women have made tremendous advances in the work place, and while significant advances need yet to be made, Christian women are to be reminded of the importance of healthy marriage and sound family life.
Christian women, in their concern for economic and social reforms, need to be careful not to denigrate their femininity and their family. Maggie Gallagher, in her book, Enemies of Eros, says that the so-called sexual revolution is killing marriage and family. She warns that children can begin to get the feeling that every mother has a price at which her loyalty to husband and family can be bought. A woman's frustrations in work and career, which arise because she has a career, can lead to an intense resentment, even hatred, of family.
Gallagher goes on to warn against always demanding our rights and justice in the family setting. Seeking social justice may be admirable, she says, but demanding justice in personal relationships is "an unnatural act." She then adds, "Justice is the least men may claim from us. Justice is giving to each man exactly what he deserves and no more. Justice," says Gallagher, "is what we offer those we cannot love. Justice is for strangers." Thus justice in personal relationships, as opposed to self-giving love, is, says Gal-lagher, "second-rate" (p. 158).
In today's high-pressure, stressed-out, materialistic society, where having the right house, the right cars, the right second home, the right wardrobe, and the right vacations -- in such an externalized society of enormous peer pressure, it is easy for women and mothers to lose sight of the importance of marriage and family. In a society increasingly expectant of high-level success from women, it can be difficult to maintain values of family, love, and emotional solidarity.
What is in fact happening is the increased absence of fathers from the family. While they of course bear their share of responsibility for abandonment and withdrawal, so do women and mothers. Today we call upon Christian women to a new commitment to husband and family.
After all, single parent families headed by women comprise nearly 25 percent of our homes at least for a period of time. If current projections prove to be accurate, every baby born today has a fifty-fifty chance of being abandoned by his father. And as a matter of fact, 54 percent of all single mothers live in poverty. When marriage and family disintegrate, unfortunately women suffer economically and socially far more than men.
However, the inward Christian woman will want to devote herself to husband and family not so much out of fear, as out of faith. Rather than succumbing to the role of a strident man-hater, she will see her femininity, her motherhood, and her uniqueness as a female to be the expression of the image of God. She will remember that God created humankind male and female to express his image. The female, feminine dimension is needed in marriage, family, and society to complete the image of God for humanity.
Thus when admitted social and economic injustices do exist for women, we affirm that the truly liberated woman is the truly inward woman, the woman whose worth is established by values and realities deeper than custom, broader than society, higher than culture. Her worth is established in the mind of God, in the creative order of the world, which formed her in the image of God.
Her value and self-esteem are not derived from a Victorian pedestal or from a twentieth century political platform. Her importance arises ultimately not from social mores, from this lifestyle or that, nor from degrees or articles and books published, nor from children raised, dollars earned or careers achieved. Her worth, like that of the inward man, arises first of all from the grace of God, which releases her from the fear of failure and the bondage of guilt.
The inward woman is inward because she has been "grounded" inwardly, forgiven and loved inwardly, accepted and affirmed inwardly, "centered-down" and infused inwardly. Consequently, her dress and her family will reflect first of all her devotion to God. She will remember that while people look on appearances, God looks on the heart. Her true inwardness is achieved through an inward act of faith, a commitment of the heart toward God, an inward appropriation of the grace of God to herself as the image of God's femaleness and femininity. And there can be no better affirmation than that.
Women and mothers, we love you and thank you for all you have given and shared and loved.
Prayer
Eternal God, who has created us male and female, and has ordained that the mystery and wonder and power of life be passed on through mothers, we praise you for the mothers by whom the world has been blessed. We pause to give thanks to you for our own mothers, who through unselfish toil and devotion brought us to maturity. We call to mind their readiness to listen to our problems, their helpfulness in time of need, their willingness to put our interests ahead of their own. We remember the tender moments of love shared, the joy, the laughter, the celebration of our common humanity. Inspire our hearts toward thankfulness, O Lord, and help us express our gratitude to them as we ought.
We pray for the mothers of our nation and community. Many struggle with identity crisis, wondering if they should pursue both career and motherhood. Some agonize over wayward children and others wonder if they should attempt to keep their marriage together. Some cannot have children and wish they could. Others who have children abuse and neglect them. Help our mothers with their several needs and problems, O God. Let wholeness and happiness and a good sense of well-being be theirs on this day.
In the quest for liberation, save our mothers from vengeance and a ruthless spirit. Keep them from the perversions of witchcraft and immorality. Grant that their self-fulfillment will not mean deprivation of their children and the dissolution of their family.
We pray for our spiritual mother, the church, the bride of Christ. May it be strong to nurture our souls and nerve us to face the issues of the day, intent to do your will. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
