Mothers
Self Help
What's A Mother/Father To Do?
Parenting For The New Millennium
What's A Mother To Do?
I can do all things in him who strengthens me. -- Philippians 4:13
It is the night of the big dinner party -- twenty guests in all. The carpet is vacuumed, the floors are waxed, and furniture is dusted. Flowers are neatly arranged, candles carefully placed. The air is gently perfumed. Then the wind changes and blows the smoke and smudge of the neighbor's charcoal grill through the house.
Son number two comes home late from his baseball game, leaving clods of dirt bigger than those of son number one, across the sparkling kitchen floor. Wolfing down his hotdog and beans, he spills catsup on the dinner party dessert and splashes mustard on the hors d'oeuvres tray.
What's a mother to do?
A fourteen-year-old daughter, much more advanced into womanhood than her peers, has been told repeatedly she is not to ride in cars with older boys. And then a door slams, and a well-developed fourteen-year-old girl waves cheerfully and flirtatiously to a much too handsome boy, who drives away in his much too sporty car.
What's a mother to do?
It's been one of those days. You overslept slightly. During the hurried breakfast, you gulped coffee on the run and the children argued, but now they are off to school. The phone rang and Mabel wanted to bring you up to date on her divorce proceedings, and you remembered an appointment at your office was scheduled earlier than usual. The car started with difficulty. Toys were in the driveway. You noticed you forgot to put on your makeup when you looked in the rearview mirror.
What's a mother to do?
After work there's little Johnny's dental appointment, the dry-cleaning to pick up, the music and dancing lessons, and a PTA meeting at night. Arriving at your office, you remember you forgot to take the steak out of the freezer. After a hectic, late-starting dinner, your husband grumbles, "What, hamburger again?"
What's a mother to do?
Join a convent? Become an ardent, militant feminist? Denounce men as the source of all the world's wrongs? Resign all your committees? Quit your job? Get a divorce? Run away? Cry a lot? Pray? All of the above? None of the above?
What's a mother to do?
Without doubt, women and mothers today have many pressures and frustrations. Increased education and economic independence, coupled with massive social change, have greatly altered women's roles. The complex liabilities of career, marriage, and family seem almost too much at times.
Repeatedly, I have heard grandmothers say they are glad they are not raising children today. Rebellious, unhappy, disobedient children who listen to peer groups more than parents sometimes seem to be more hassle than they are worth. One mother said she was tempted to write her kids a note saying, "I resign from being your mother. Find someone else!"
Indeed, recent surveys indicate children may be one of the greatest causes of stress in marriage. Before the children come and after they are gone, mothers seem happiest. Grandmothers may throw up their hands with this generation and move to Florida out of the line of fire. But mothers, well, mothers have to cope with it.
What's a mother to do?
I.
First try to renew your commitment to your husband. When the children are grown and gone, your relationship will be the most important.
If you have been married long enough to be a mother, you know by now that you married an imperfect husband. It is possible to focus forever on a husband's imperfections and regret the choice you made. But you can also accept the fact that it is an imperfect world, that your husband is as imperfect as -- cursed be the thought -- you might be imperfect.
I am reminded of a medical student being given a tour of a hospital where he would train in the future. A medical resident led him into a semi-private room where two women were situated. The student spoke to both, but neither responded. One of them did not even look up.
"What's wrong with them?" the medical student asked as they walked down the hall. The resident replied, "Well, the woman in bed number one is in good health physically, but she was in love with this man -- they dated, were engaged, and she was crazy about him. But at the last minute he ditched her for another woman. Now she doesn't talk to anyone. She is in severe depression and refuses to communicate."
"I see," said the medical student. "What about the other woman -- the one in bed number two? She seems almost as bad. Did she lose her man too?" "Her. Oh, no," the resident countered, "she's the one that got the man that jilted the gal in bed number one!"
It's an old story, but it's still true. People tend to think of marriage as a panacea for all their problems. Some believe paradise will arrive when they say, "I do, I do," only to discover the new spouse has in mind, "She'll do, she'll do until I can make her over into my image."
In our movies and novels and music we are still more fascinated with the romantic chase than we are with the marriage adventure itself. Most of the movies end with a still frame in the lover's bed on the wedding day, forgetting that marriage itself is a moving picture, not a snapshot or freeze frame. Marriage should not be the end of the romance, but the beginning. Marriage is a journey, not just a destination.
And it is a journey with an imperfect husband who changes over time, one hopes for the better. So it's a matter of accepting the husband as an imperfect person who has, nonetheless, the exciting potential you liked in him in the first place. Besides, as one somewhat disgruntled wife told me, she would rather accept and cope with the problems she has than take on the unknown problems in a new husband.
And some conflict is likely to be a part of it. One time in a sermon, a minister stated that he was slightly suspicious of couples who tell him they have never had an argument all their married life. After church, a woman walked boldly up to the minister, her husband in tow.
She was, well, a very determined woman, and her eyes were blazing as she said, "Reverend, you have told something that is just not true. We've been married 48 years, and we stand here as testimony that we have never had a cross word in all our 48 years of married life. Isn't that right, L.L?"
Knowing his cue, her husband, L.L., replied, "That's right, Reverend, never a cross word." She nodded assertively, towed him away, and said, "L.L., take me to brunch." "Yes, dear." By the way, L.L. meant "Little Love."
What's a mother to do? Accept imperfection in a spouse. Realize again that marriage is a journey with endless possibilities, not a dead-end. Remember when the children are grown and gone, your marriage will be the most important thing. And try to use the inevitable conflict to learn, to grow, to deepen the love.
II.
What's a mother to do? She should responsibly reaffirm her role as mother.
Marriage is still very popular in America, almost as popular as divorce! And people who divorce, usually marry again, sometimes even for a third or fourth time.
If marriage is still popular, so is childbearing, though not as popular as in the post-World War II baby boom years. Characteristically, people marry later -- in their late twenties or early thirties -- and they have fewer children -- one or two or three, instead of four or five or six. And they have them later, so that many parents may well be retired by the time their children finish college.
Nevertheless, as Mark Twain once wrote, "Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children." Despite all the grumbling about morning sickness, the discomforts of pregnancy, and the pain of childbirth, most couples continue to be overwhelmed with the miracle of a new baby. Think how frantic we would be if this process suddenly stopped, or if childbirth were limited to only one million women in the world. Yet this miracle is available to most all of us, from the least to the greatest.
And the working mother shouldn't feel excessively guilty about her career, says Anita Shreve in her book, Remaking Motherhood. Women have always worked, in one way or another, says Shreve. But today, the working mother needs to remember she still has an important role not only as a working person, but as a mother.
Yes, it is true some women have been accused of "wanting it all" and of being "superwomen" and of being "selfish, self-obsessed and an integral part of the culture of narcissism," says Shreve (p. 21). And the culture tends to put the blame for domestic problems and wayward children on the ambitious woman "whose reach exceeds her grasp."
While there may be some truth to that, children of working mothers, if properly nurtured and attended to, often appear to be more independent and outgoing, seem to be more ambitious with respect to education and career, and seem to admire their mothers more than they criticize them, says Shreve.
Even so, there is no substitute for good mothering, for a mother who is caring, supportive, and a shaper and influencer of the miraculous lives entrusted to her. The mother is still a powerful role model for her children, especially the girls, and increasingly the boys, because of absent fathers.
Mothers, whether career women or not, need to spend time with their children -- direct, interactive time. The child gets the sense of self-worth and identity, the assurance of security and serenity from a mother who is "there." The child's well being, especially in the early years, is deeply affected by the process of cooking, feeding, bathing, reading, storytelling, holidays, vacations, and the hundreds of family patterns and traditions.
Mothers, even working mothers, seem to exert more power over the development of their children than do the fathers. Thus while many feminist revolutionaries used to say, "The hand that cradles the rock rules the world," there is a very real sense that it is still true that "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."
That is especially true in influencing children to avoid drug and alcohol abuse. One of the leaders of our church recently shared the documents from a top-level conference he attended which focused on an exhaustive, multi-million dollar research project titled, "Substance Abuse and the American Adolescent."
The study concluded that "young children who form a strong attachment with their primary caregiver and maintain it are more resilient and better able to resist pressures to use drugs. Attachment, warmth, open support, and communication are critical elements of stability for teens as they explore adult roles and make choices about smoking, using drugs, and abusing alcohol" (p. 85).
If parents themselves abuse alcohol or drugs, their children are twice as likely to drink and four times as likely to use drugs as children from families with little drug or alcohol history. Caring and cohesive neighborhoods are crucial for youngsters, as are parents who are unafraid to set strict codes and guidelines and to exercise discipline. Lack of discipline and guidelines suggests parents who do not love or care, parents who have an infantile need to be "loved" and "approved" by their children rather than be respected.
What's a mother to do? She will also want to ensure the religious development of her children. The blue ribbon study found that "individuals with deeply-held religious beliefs are less likely to be substance users or abusers. Teens who have an active religious life are less likely to drink, smoke, or use illicit drugs" (p. 88).
Furthermore, says this significant study, "Religion is often a family-centered activity which can reinforce the closeness between parent and child, doubling the protective benefits." The report goes on to say that "religious affiliation and attendance at services can also influence a teenager's choice of friends providing a social group that helps teens internalize drug-free values and protects them from negative influences." In addition, "Religion creates a structure of support and hope for individuals, and may provide a place to turn to in time of crisis" (pp. 88-89).
And if mothers (and fathers) maintain this kind of influence for their children through age fifteen, there is a very strong probability they will never succumb to alcohol or drug abuse.
What's a mother to do? She is to make her children one of her chief "causes," reaffirming the crucial, God-given task of shaping lives for the next generation. Career or not, working outside the home or not, the mother is a key power player for the future of her children.
III.
But what, you might ask, is a mother to do for herself? Are there any rewards?
She needs to have time for herself -- time to read, to relax, to reflect, to enjoy life, to luxuriate in womanhood and motherhood. And she needs time to meditate, to pray, to share in worship undistracted by demands of husband or dependents. She needs to be a self in her own right, and not just somebody's daughter or wife or mother.
As Paul suggests, pray, give thanks, have no anxiety, but ask for the peace of God which passes rational understanding. Set your mind on the high things, the noble things, things of quality and character and worth. Because as you think, so you and your children will become.
In the end, the best thing a mother can do is develop her spiritual life and inner identity and resiliency to affirm with Paul, "I can do all things in him who strengthens me."
Children do, thank God, become independent, and alas, sometimes distant. Recently, a nine-year-old named Ann was sent to a summer camp for girls. The parents waited anxiously for a letter. After a week or so it finally arrived. "Dear Mom and Dad, My counselor said I should write home at least twice. This is once. Love, Ann." Mothers, how many career positions or committee chairmanships can replace a self-confidence and self-reliance like that -- all of which you helped develop?
The French impressionist painter, Renoir, in his later years, became crippled with arthritis. It pained him terribly to continue his painting. His friends asked, "Why do you continue to paint when it hurts so much?" He replied, "The pain passes, but the beauty remains."
That's how it is as we paint the canvas of our children. What's a mother to do? The pain passes but the beauty remains. And our children say, "Mom, we love you." And that's the great reward.
Prayer
Eternal God, in whom all life and gender reside and out of whose being all life proceeds, we give you thanks and praise that you have expressed yourself in male and female, in masculine and feminine. All the universe of living things is a dance of eros seeking eros, of emptiness longing for fulfillment. We are drawn to each other with a magnetic force persistent and powerful. You have made us for one another and we are not content until our love is completed in our beloved. We thank you for these miracles.
We especially praise you and give you thanks for the mothers of the world. By them we all have come forth and with them we are nurtured through helplessness to self-reliance. You bring forth the human race entrusting it to the tenderness and toughness of faithful mothers. We thank you.
We bring before you the troubled mothers of the church and community. Some are widowed or divorced or never married, and very much alone. Some are in bad marriages in need of resolution of serious problems. Others have recalcitrant children lured by destructive temptations. Some mothers are coping with stepchildren and need a new level of patience and wisdom. Some mothers are exhausted and unappreciated and need encouragement. O God of us all, grant to our dear mothers the blessings they need each and every day.
Look with favor upon all our homes and women and families. Help them to find eternal values and to center their lives on you and to increase their love for one another. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
I can do all things in him who strengthens me. -- Philippians 4:13
It is the night of the big dinner party -- twenty guests in all. The carpet is vacuumed, the floors are waxed, and furniture is dusted. Flowers are neatly arranged, candles carefully placed. The air is gently perfumed. Then the wind changes and blows the smoke and smudge of the neighbor's charcoal grill through the house.
Son number two comes home late from his baseball game, leaving clods of dirt bigger than those of son number one, across the sparkling kitchen floor. Wolfing down his hotdog and beans, he spills catsup on the dinner party dessert and splashes mustard on the hors d'oeuvres tray.
What's a mother to do?
A fourteen-year-old daughter, much more advanced into womanhood than her peers, has been told repeatedly she is not to ride in cars with older boys. And then a door slams, and a well-developed fourteen-year-old girl waves cheerfully and flirtatiously to a much too handsome boy, who drives away in his much too sporty car.
What's a mother to do?
It's been one of those days. You overslept slightly. During the hurried breakfast, you gulped coffee on the run and the children argued, but now they are off to school. The phone rang and Mabel wanted to bring you up to date on her divorce proceedings, and you remembered an appointment at your office was scheduled earlier than usual. The car started with difficulty. Toys were in the driveway. You noticed you forgot to put on your makeup when you looked in the rearview mirror.
What's a mother to do?
After work there's little Johnny's dental appointment, the dry-cleaning to pick up, the music and dancing lessons, and a PTA meeting at night. Arriving at your office, you remember you forgot to take the steak out of the freezer. After a hectic, late-starting dinner, your husband grumbles, "What, hamburger again?"
What's a mother to do?
Join a convent? Become an ardent, militant feminist? Denounce men as the source of all the world's wrongs? Resign all your committees? Quit your job? Get a divorce? Run away? Cry a lot? Pray? All of the above? None of the above?
What's a mother to do?
Without doubt, women and mothers today have many pressures and frustrations. Increased education and economic independence, coupled with massive social change, have greatly altered women's roles. The complex liabilities of career, marriage, and family seem almost too much at times.
Repeatedly, I have heard grandmothers say they are glad they are not raising children today. Rebellious, unhappy, disobedient children who listen to peer groups more than parents sometimes seem to be more hassle than they are worth. One mother said she was tempted to write her kids a note saying, "I resign from being your mother. Find someone else!"
Indeed, recent surveys indicate children may be one of the greatest causes of stress in marriage. Before the children come and after they are gone, mothers seem happiest. Grandmothers may throw up their hands with this generation and move to Florida out of the line of fire. But mothers, well, mothers have to cope with it.
What's a mother to do?
I.
First try to renew your commitment to your husband. When the children are grown and gone, your relationship will be the most important.
If you have been married long enough to be a mother, you know by now that you married an imperfect husband. It is possible to focus forever on a husband's imperfections and regret the choice you made. But you can also accept the fact that it is an imperfect world, that your husband is as imperfect as -- cursed be the thought -- you might be imperfect.
I am reminded of a medical student being given a tour of a hospital where he would train in the future. A medical resident led him into a semi-private room where two women were situated. The student spoke to both, but neither responded. One of them did not even look up.
"What's wrong with them?" the medical student asked as they walked down the hall. The resident replied, "Well, the woman in bed number one is in good health physically, but she was in love with this man -- they dated, were engaged, and she was crazy about him. But at the last minute he ditched her for another woman. Now she doesn't talk to anyone. She is in severe depression and refuses to communicate."
"I see," said the medical student. "What about the other woman -- the one in bed number two? She seems almost as bad. Did she lose her man too?" "Her. Oh, no," the resident countered, "she's the one that got the man that jilted the gal in bed number one!"
It's an old story, but it's still true. People tend to think of marriage as a panacea for all their problems. Some believe paradise will arrive when they say, "I do, I do," only to discover the new spouse has in mind, "She'll do, she'll do until I can make her over into my image."
In our movies and novels and music we are still more fascinated with the romantic chase than we are with the marriage adventure itself. Most of the movies end with a still frame in the lover's bed on the wedding day, forgetting that marriage itself is a moving picture, not a snapshot or freeze frame. Marriage should not be the end of the romance, but the beginning. Marriage is a journey, not just a destination.
And it is a journey with an imperfect husband who changes over time, one hopes for the better. So it's a matter of accepting the husband as an imperfect person who has, nonetheless, the exciting potential you liked in him in the first place. Besides, as one somewhat disgruntled wife told me, she would rather accept and cope with the problems she has than take on the unknown problems in a new husband.
And some conflict is likely to be a part of it. One time in a sermon, a minister stated that he was slightly suspicious of couples who tell him they have never had an argument all their married life. After church, a woman walked boldly up to the minister, her husband in tow.
She was, well, a very determined woman, and her eyes were blazing as she said, "Reverend, you have told something that is just not true. We've been married 48 years, and we stand here as testimony that we have never had a cross word in all our 48 years of married life. Isn't that right, L.L?"
Knowing his cue, her husband, L.L., replied, "That's right, Reverend, never a cross word." She nodded assertively, towed him away, and said, "L.L., take me to brunch." "Yes, dear." By the way, L.L. meant "Little Love."
What's a mother to do? Accept imperfection in a spouse. Realize again that marriage is a journey with endless possibilities, not a dead-end. Remember when the children are grown and gone, your marriage will be the most important thing. And try to use the inevitable conflict to learn, to grow, to deepen the love.
II.
What's a mother to do? She should responsibly reaffirm her role as mother.
Marriage is still very popular in America, almost as popular as divorce! And people who divorce, usually marry again, sometimes even for a third or fourth time.
If marriage is still popular, so is childbearing, though not as popular as in the post-World War II baby boom years. Characteristically, people marry later -- in their late twenties or early thirties -- and they have fewer children -- one or two or three, instead of four or five or six. And they have them later, so that many parents may well be retired by the time their children finish college.
Nevertheless, as Mark Twain once wrote, "Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children." Despite all the grumbling about morning sickness, the discomforts of pregnancy, and the pain of childbirth, most couples continue to be overwhelmed with the miracle of a new baby. Think how frantic we would be if this process suddenly stopped, or if childbirth were limited to only one million women in the world. Yet this miracle is available to most all of us, from the least to the greatest.
And the working mother shouldn't feel excessively guilty about her career, says Anita Shreve in her book, Remaking Motherhood. Women have always worked, in one way or another, says Shreve. But today, the working mother needs to remember she still has an important role not only as a working person, but as a mother.
Yes, it is true some women have been accused of "wanting it all" and of being "superwomen" and of being "selfish, self-obsessed and an integral part of the culture of narcissism," says Shreve (p. 21). And the culture tends to put the blame for domestic problems and wayward children on the ambitious woman "whose reach exceeds her grasp."
While there may be some truth to that, children of working mothers, if properly nurtured and attended to, often appear to be more independent and outgoing, seem to be more ambitious with respect to education and career, and seem to admire their mothers more than they criticize them, says Shreve.
Even so, there is no substitute for good mothering, for a mother who is caring, supportive, and a shaper and influencer of the miraculous lives entrusted to her. The mother is still a powerful role model for her children, especially the girls, and increasingly the boys, because of absent fathers.
Mothers, whether career women or not, need to spend time with their children -- direct, interactive time. The child gets the sense of self-worth and identity, the assurance of security and serenity from a mother who is "there." The child's well being, especially in the early years, is deeply affected by the process of cooking, feeding, bathing, reading, storytelling, holidays, vacations, and the hundreds of family patterns and traditions.
Mothers, even working mothers, seem to exert more power over the development of their children than do the fathers. Thus while many feminist revolutionaries used to say, "The hand that cradles the rock rules the world," there is a very real sense that it is still true that "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world."
That is especially true in influencing children to avoid drug and alcohol abuse. One of the leaders of our church recently shared the documents from a top-level conference he attended which focused on an exhaustive, multi-million dollar research project titled, "Substance Abuse and the American Adolescent."
The study concluded that "young children who form a strong attachment with their primary caregiver and maintain it are more resilient and better able to resist pressures to use drugs. Attachment, warmth, open support, and communication are critical elements of stability for teens as they explore adult roles and make choices about smoking, using drugs, and abusing alcohol" (p. 85).
If parents themselves abuse alcohol or drugs, their children are twice as likely to drink and four times as likely to use drugs as children from families with little drug or alcohol history. Caring and cohesive neighborhoods are crucial for youngsters, as are parents who are unafraid to set strict codes and guidelines and to exercise discipline. Lack of discipline and guidelines suggests parents who do not love or care, parents who have an infantile need to be "loved" and "approved" by their children rather than be respected.
What's a mother to do? She will also want to ensure the religious development of her children. The blue ribbon study found that "individuals with deeply-held religious beliefs are less likely to be substance users or abusers. Teens who have an active religious life are less likely to drink, smoke, or use illicit drugs" (p. 88).
Furthermore, says this significant study, "Religion is often a family-centered activity which can reinforce the closeness between parent and child, doubling the protective benefits." The report goes on to say that "religious affiliation and attendance at services can also influence a teenager's choice of friends providing a social group that helps teens internalize drug-free values and protects them from negative influences." In addition, "Religion creates a structure of support and hope for individuals, and may provide a place to turn to in time of crisis" (pp. 88-89).
And if mothers (and fathers) maintain this kind of influence for their children through age fifteen, there is a very strong probability they will never succumb to alcohol or drug abuse.
What's a mother to do? She is to make her children one of her chief "causes," reaffirming the crucial, God-given task of shaping lives for the next generation. Career or not, working outside the home or not, the mother is a key power player for the future of her children.
III.
But what, you might ask, is a mother to do for herself? Are there any rewards?
She needs to have time for herself -- time to read, to relax, to reflect, to enjoy life, to luxuriate in womanhood and motherhood. And she needs time to meditate, to pray, to share in worship undistracted by demands of husband or dependents. She needs to be a self in her own right, and not just somebody's daughter or wife or mother.
As Paul suggests, pray, give thanks, have no anxiety, but ask for the peace of God which passes rational understanding. Set your mind on the high things, the noble things, things of quality and character and worth. Because as you think, so you and your children will become.
In the end, the best thing a mother can do is develop her spiritual life and inner identity and resiliency to affirm with Paul, "I can do all things in him who strengthens me."
Children do, thank God, become independent, and alas, sometimes distant. Recently, a nine-year-old named Ann was sent to a summer camp for girls. The parents waited anxiously for a letter. After a week or so it finally arrived. "Dear Mom and Dad, My counselor said I should write home at least twice. This is once. Love, Ann." Mothers, how many career positions or committee chairmanships can replace a self-confidence and self-reliance like that -- all of which you helped develop?
The French impressionist painter, Renoir, in his later years, became crippled with arthritis. It pained him terribly to continue his painting. His friends asked, "Why do you continue to paint when it hurts so much?" He replied, "The pain passes, but the beauty remains."
That's how it is as we paint the canvas of our children. What's a mother to do? The pain passes but the beauty remains. And our children say, "Mom, we love you." And that's the great reward.
Prayer
Eternal God, in whom all life and gender reside and out of whose being all life proceeds, we give you thanks and praise that you have expressed yourself in male and female, in masculine and feminine. All the universe of living things is a dance of eros seeking eros, of emptiness longing for fulfillment. We are drawn to each other with a magnetic force persistent and powerful. You have made us for one another and we are not content until our love is completed in our beloved. We thank you for these miracles.
We especially praise you and give you thanks for the mothers of the world. By them we all have come forth and with them we are nurtured through helplessness to self-reliance. You bring forth the human race entrusting it to the tenderness and toughness of faithful mothers. We thank you.
We bring before you the troubled mothers of the church and community. Some are widowed or divorced or never married, and very much alone. Some are in bad marriages in need of resolution of serious problems. Others have recalcitrant children lured by destructive temptations. Some mothers are coping with stepchildren and need a new level of patience and wisdom. Some mothers are exhausted and unappreciated and need encouragement. O God of us all, grant to our dear mothers the blessings they need each and every day.
Look with favor upon all our homes and women and families. Help them to find eternal values and to center their lives on you and to increase their love for one another. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
