Sermonstudio

It is hard to know what more can be said about marriage. Weddings are stressors. The planning, the showers, the many opinions, the money, the lists, the social pressures ... who can survive a wedding?

The summer before my teenage bride and I were wed in our September nuptials, we worked as lifeguards at a local swimming pool, making buckets of money. We were between our sophomore and junior years in college and had all the worldly possessions that one would expect from two who had partially furnished two dorm rooms. The other lifeguards at the pool threw a nice poolside picnic/party/shower for us at the end of the swimming season and the pool owner kicked in for the gift. We had great fun, including several gag gifts and my driving a tricycle (complete with tin cans attached and a "Just Married" sign) through an obstacle course with Beth as my passenger on the back.

The time came for opening the gift, a beautifully wrapped box about two and a half feet on a side. Tearing away the paper, Beth saw printed on the box the words "Home Made Ice Cream Freezer." One of the guards clarified, "That's not what it is. We just used the box." To which Beth responded, "Good thing, because that's just about the last thing we would ever need."

When the people of Nazareth took Jesus out to throw him off the cliff after he preached, I think it may have been because of his preaching, or it may have been because they gave him a gift and he did not think before he spoke while opening it. At any rate we loved our home made ice cream freezer our first year of marriage and used it often.

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The rural white frame church is filling for the wedding of a hometown girl. The pastor knows most everyone on the bride's side, but is less familiar with the family and friends of the groom. The prelude music is well along when it becomes clear that the church will be filled to overflowing. The resident village soloist is singing a lovely rendition of "O Promise Me" when a terrific clanging begins in Fellowship Hall, located directly behind the altar. A distressed, quizzical look comes over the soloist who continues to sing. She gives a quick "help me" glance to the young pastor, who immediately responds by heading toward the noise. Entering Fellowship Hall, he finds two ushers trying hastily to load forty folding chairs onto a metal cart. Quickly the pastor tries to slow them down, at first using overly dramatic sign language and then assuring, "It's okay, fellows. Take it easy. They won't start without us." At which time, one usher wheels around and grabs the preacher by his tie, pulling his face close, their noses almost touching.

"Now we'll see who's going to be quiet!" the usher says in a loud, raspy voice.

"I couldn't think what to do," the pastor later reported, "so I threw up my arms and said, 'The eleventh commandment is Thou shalt not punch the preacher.' "

Who Can Survive A Wedding?

Jesus and his budding group of disciples are invited to a wedding at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' family is also there. After a time, the wine runs out and Jesus' mother mentions this to him. This seems to irritate Jesus, or at least he doesn't appreciate being volunteered at this particular moment.

So Jesus instructs the servants, "Fill these jars with water," gesturing to the six stone jars used for the Jewish rite of purification. The servants quickly gather up everyone they can find to help carry the 150 gallons of water needed to fill the jars. The task completed, some "water" is drawn for the steward to taste. The steward informs the bridegroom, "Every man serves the good wine first; and when men have drunk freely, then the poor wine; but you have kept the good wine until now" (John 2:1-11).

A more modern waiter might have said, "Ah, sir, we thought the hors d'oeuvres were the entrées and the guests have already eaten dessert. And ah ... well, we just discovered your two hundred wedding entrées still in the warmers, ah, do you want us to box 'em?" ... We can only imagine the surprise of the bridegroom.

Jesus did not want to be called on. What he asked of the servants was not easy. When it was all said and done, he did a great thing that may not have entirely worked out. Who can survive a wedding?

Collision At Corinth

Paul established a church in Corinth, a crossroads town on a narrow peninsula of Achaia. Corinth embodied considerable commercial vigor as a natural trading center between east and west, with industry developing based largely on slavery. The citizenry of Corinth consisted of Romans, Greeks, Orientals, and Jews from Egypt, Asia Minor, and Syria. Each of these groups imported its own customs and religious beliefs. In this conglomeration of beliefs and customs, speaking in tongues, ecstasy, and prophesy received attention and value. It was almost impossible to avoid eating meat which had been sacrificed to gods at funeral banquets or public festivals.

And while writing to encourage the saints at Corinth and to instruct them, Paul was also concerned about the values and lifestyles that these new Christians saw all around them in its pagan city. How would the values of the surrounding society affect the values of those within the church? Paul's key symbol in response is the body: the body of Jesus Christ, the church as the body of Christ, and the individual's body. "Paul's concern with the body expresses his concern with the religious boundaries between the Christian community and its pagan society."1 So there was a collision at Corinth within the church and within the family similar to the collision we face within the church and the family in our time.

How will we maintain our sense of balance? When is it okay to compromise? What is the role of man/husband/father and woman/wife/mother?

Paul claims: "You are not lacking in any spiritual gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ ..." but waiting for the Lord seems long, and waiting for the revealing of his wisdom in these matters seems long as well.
There is a collision in Corinth, and we need a wisdom beyond our own.

When The Wine Runs Out

I wonder if, after he turned the water from the six stone jars into wine, Jesus said, "And no refills." At the wedding feast the wine ran out. Jesus created some more. Presumably the partyers drank this new better wine and then it ran out. This is a fact of life in marriage. It may take a while. It may take a good long while, but it happens.

For a while, the energy of the new relationship carries us, but then if something more is not there, the wine runs out and the party's over. Oddly enough, signs that the wine will run dry begin in many relationships with the wedding and possibly with planning the wedding. Free and easy lives begin to give way to the responsibilities and roles of wife and husband. If what "I" want is paramount, then the dry wine jar begins to show up early.2

Consider this spouse's desires: I need someone who is a great bread winner. I need someone who provides a wonderful home, who keeps me in stylish clothes, and my children in the best schools. I don't want a spouse who travels or comes home late from the office or who is stressed at the end of the day. I want my spouse to be a civic leader and a pillar of the church. And I want my spouse to exercise regularly and I want my spouse to control "over-exposure to the sun" so that my spouse will always look young.

Lately we have been learning that building a good marriage calls for the claiming of a shared marital vision -- what is our dream for our marriage; what do we want our lives together to be? If I take my I out of the limelight, can our relationship create a we which is solid and lasting? In 1864 E.W. Buser went off to war. Too young to fight, he served as a drummer, helping the troops travel by keeping cadence. While in Tennessee he carved the center out of a uniform button, which was much larger and thicker than a modern button. On the edge of the button he inlayed silver, gold, and mother of pearl depicting clasping hands, a woman's hand in a man's. So skilled was he as an artisan that on the left ring finger of one of the hands can be seen a wedding band. He sent the ring home to his sweetheart with a proposal for marriage. Out of the materials of war, came a beautiful symbol of love and the sign of two individuals committing to find the we.

When You Find The Best Wine -- Sip It

Hugh and Gayle Prather claim that "there is simply no mistake to be made in choosing a mate or at least the chances are very small that you will choose someone who is truly dangerous. You will wind up with someone with far more flaws that you originally thought."3
Choosing a mate is like selecting a bottle of wine with no label -- no tasting, no sniffing, no opening. You may admire the bottle and even consider the richness of the color, but that's it. And by the way this is your last bottle for a lifetime -- make it last ... So you want to know how much it costs?

The Prathers go on to point to the possibility that any two people could love each other. In some cultures marriages are arranged, and sometimes deep affection grows despite the prescribed nature of a relationship's beginning. The Prathers go on to claim that their counseling has shown them that the strengths and weaknesses of marriage partners almost invariably complement each other. "However negative a couple thought were the reasons that brought them together, it is usually clear that a part of their mind knew what it was doing. It's as if God sent you a box of your missing parts."4

As we have seen above, there are many threats to a good marriage in Corinth, and we all in some ways live there. The demands and values of the community, the work place, social circles, previous involvements, the complex challenges of raising children, all can threaten a strong, life-enhancing marriage. In Corinth, it is the I that counts, and this I can become the instrument of dissection to the we.

Does this mean that we have to give up the hope of having joy and satisfaction in the marital bond? Must we so subjugate our desires, appetites, interests, and dreams that they become functionally nonexistent? Maybe yes and maybe no.

Learn where the best wine is to be found, and when you find the best wine, sip it.

Rick was a young man showing some musical promise. He had a creative sensitivity far advanced among his peers. He was pleasant, cooperative, and a good team player. His encouraging half smile and subtle humor had a way of making you just feel good. This is why the community was rocked when at the end of middle school Rick was discovered to have a kind of cancer which is difficult to treat.

"Often it can be sent into remission, sometimes for long periods, but it almost always comes back," the doctors told his parents. "We are making advances all the time in this. We will take it a day at a time, say our prayers, and hope for the best."

Liz had known Rick since elementary school, and because of their interest in music, the two had become friends . She was hard hit by the discovery of Rick's illness, but she held her fears at bay so their relationship mostly continued in a normal way.

Each time Rick's illness flared, the unpleasant treatments were able to send it into remission. Through it all Rick's spirits remained surprisingly balanced. In his sophomore year, Rick asked Liz to the spring dance and from that time, they went out often and called each other "my best date." Rick's illness continued to be a problem from time to time, and they weathered his illness together, Liz supporting Rick.

High school commencement came and went, and both continued their education at a local junior college while working part-time jobs. This was when Liz came to my office. Obviously nervous, she confided that she had asked Rick to marry her. The two sets of parents were supportive and would help with living expenses. I gently asked if there was a pregnancy involved, to which Liz responded, "Oh no, Rick can't have children ... because of the treatments." We talked about the possibilities for their future together and the responsibilities of marriage, most of which given what the couple had been through, Liz already had grasped.

So we had a beautiful wedding, and as I read Paul's words I understood them differently than before: "Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or boastful, it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way ... Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...."

In the coming months we saw these two have the uncanny ability to find the best wine -- time to share music, time to share with family and friends, with God -- and sip it. They continued as they could to go about their ordinary activities, and when the hard times came, they shared those with us and with God also. And in so doing they found the best wine even in times of calamity and sadness.

As it turned out we couldn't hold Rick for long. Liz and Rick were married for only a year-and-a-half before the illness took him. We had a service of celebration with lots of music, some of which Rick had written. We played a tape on which we heard Rick sing. Liz seemed sad, but okay, even quietly satisfied that they had chosen to make this journey in this way, and seemed to know that in a little while another chapter of life would need to be written.

As we lingered in the cemetery on that crystal blue clear day, my eyes were cast again on Rick's young widow and Paul's words came to mind: "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things ... Love never ends...."

The Road From Corinth To Cana

Paul says in his letter to the Corinthian Christians that we are not lacking in any spiritual gift, as we wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which is to say that we in our marriages and in our families are equipped to travel the road from Corinth to Cana. We are constantly threatened by the voices and values which would distract us, detain us, degrade us, and disorient us. But we have the ability to travel a road which leads away from those voices, and as we travel, those voices which would claim and destroy us will become fading and faint. But still it is a demanding and dangerous road, and the time of trouble will come. So as beautiful as is the symbol of the engagement ring with two hands clasping, I think the artisan had it wrong. For the symbol for the marital we should not be hands joined as if holding or shaking hands, instead travelers on the marital road form the we by grasping each other's wrists (hand to wrist and hand to wrist), a grip used in lifesaving to form the human chain. For the stormy waters of life will come with surprising force threatening to sweep us away, but partners in good marriages know how to hold on.

So who can survive a wedding? We all can, but surviving marriage is a challenge, especially if we hope to find Cana and the best wine, along the way.

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1. Elizabeth Schussler Fiorenza, "1 Corinthians," Harpers Bible Commentary (San Francisco: Harper, 1988), p.1169.

2. Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, The Good Marriage (New York: Warner Books,1995), p. 62.

3. Hugh and Gayle Prather, I Will Never Leave You (New York: Bantam, 1995), p. 62.

4. Ibid., pp. 63-64.