See Bits Of Humor
Humor
Windows for Sermons
Stories And Humor For Inspired Preaching
Object:
We have liked the words of homespun philosophy given us by a Hoosier friend years ago. He said: "It's better to have a sense of humor than to have no sense at all!"
* * * * *
On a hot August day we saw these words on a church bulletin board:
DO YOU THINK IT'S HOT HERE?
* * * * *
On the walls of the Chester Cathedral in England is this bit of anonymous poetry:
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some happiness in life
And pass it on to other folk.
* * * * *
It was a warm day after a rainy one, with puddles here and there. If there is anything messier than a little boy playing in a mud puddle it would be a little girl making mud pies. Her pastor came down the way, saw the child, and spoke to her.
"Betsy, you're pretty dirty, aren't you?"
The little girl stood up and said, "I'm prettier clean!"
(God's redeeming power can take the dirtiest people and make them clean.)
* * * * *
Seen on a T-shirt!
"Please be patient. God isn't through with me yet."
* * * * *
The Sunday School teacher was talking to children about loving God with all your heart. She asked them a question: "Where is your heart?"
All of the children but one put their hands on their chest. That one child put her hand on her back side. The teacher wanted to know why.
"When Grandma comes," the child said, "she pats me back there and says, 'Bless your little heart.' "
* * * * *
Drive carefully. Heaven can wait!
* * * * *
The philosophy of the sweet potato: I YAM WHAT I YAM.
* * * * *
On grace before meals, a preacher asked a lad, "Boy, tell me, do you at your house have prayer before meals?"
Lad: "No, my mom's a good cook!"
* * * * *
Did you hear the joke about the cookie?
"No, tell me."
"Okay. It's crumby."
* * * * *
After a man told his little son about Noah and the ark, the boy asked, "Hey, Dad, why didn't Noah swat those two flies?"
* * * * *
Matrimony is the splice of life.
* * * * *
It was time to read the pastor's appointments at West Ohio Annual Conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church, time about the 1920s. Rev. Henry Cooper had served most of his years in west and northwest Ohio. The bishop read, "Catawba -- Rev. Henry Cooper." There was silence. Then the voice of Henry, "My God, Bishop, where is Catawba?" The congregation burst out with laughter.
* * * * *
It was a hot, humid afternoon wedding. The bridegroom had a time trying to slide the wedding ring on the bride's finger. Seated where she could see everything, the groom's aunt in a loud but hoarse whisper said, "Spit on it, John!"
* * * * *
"I can't sleep!" the preacher's wife told him. "Preach me one of your sermons!"
(reported by Bishop Tutu of South Africa)
* * * * *
How should we pronounce "Appalachia?" Some say it should be said like in the story of Eve leaving the Garden of Eden. She was confronted by the serpent, and is reported to have said: "Get out of my way, Satan, or I'll throw my Appalachia!"
* * * * *
Seen on a church bulletin board:
"Come early for a good back seat!"
* * * * *
A Quaker was reported to have bought a cow with a bad disposition. Sometimes it would kick whoever tried to milk it, or at least upset the bucket.
After one difficult milking time, when the cow both kicked the Quaker and his milk bucket, the Quaker walked around in front of the animal and said: "Cow, thou knowest that I am a peace-loving Quaker. I do not believe in punishing thee for kicking me. But what thou dost not know is that I could sell thee to a Methodist!"
* * * * *
When down in the mouth remember Jonah. He came out all right!
* * * * *
When asked about a picture of some angry mules in his study, the retired pastor said, "That's a picture of my last Official Board!"
* * * * *
Children in a Sunday School class were instructed to write a Bible verse about missions that they could remember. One youngster wrote: "Go into all the world and spread the gossip."
* * * * *
Two dogs watched a couple dance the disco. After a while one turned to the other and said, "If we did that they'd worm us!"
* * * * *
Don't worry if your job is small,
And your rewards are few;
Remember that the mighty oak
Was once a nut like you!
-- Anonymous
* * * * *
Noted for his great sense of humor, Bishop Edwin H. Hughes was about to read the pastor's appointments at a North Indiana Conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church. It was during pre-World War II days.
The large church was packed with intense listeners. Just then, an older man on a front seat gave out a roof-raising sneeze.
The bishop paused, then looking down over his glasses, said, "These appointments are nothing to be sneezed at!"
The congregation roared with laughter.
* * * * *
Another who had a great sense of humor was Dr. Samuel F. Upham of Drew Theological Seminary, Madison, New Jersey. At his deathbed friends and relatives had gathered. Dr. Upham had been an authority on the lives of church martyrs.
The question arose whether Dr. Upham was still living or not. Someone advised, "Feel his feet. No one ever died with warm feet."
Dr. Upham opened one eye and said, "John Hus did!" Then Upham died!
* * * * *
There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly becomes any of us
To talk about the rest of us.
-- Anonymous
* * * * *
A lively Senior Citizen was celebrating his 104th birthday. He was interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked this question: "Sir, to what do you attribute your being able to live so long and still be quite well?"
The Senior Citizen answered, "Well now, I have been taking vitamins and minerals ever since I was 100 years old."
* * * * *
Our fathers have been churchmen
Nineteen hundred years or so;
And to every new proposal,
They have always answered "No!"
-- Anonymous
* * * * *
They tell this one in the hill country of southern Ohio. There was an odd character by the name of Joshua. He had to go to court where the judge asked him, "Are you the Joshua who made the sun stand still?" (Joshua 10:12-13).
His answer was, "No, I'm the Joshua that made the moonshine."
* * * * *
The seminary student walked his date to her dormitory on the adjacent college campus, and felt like he wanted to kiss her goodnight. But he had asked his Bible professor about Romans 16:16: "Greet one another with a holy kiss," only to be told the passage referred to the greeting in a worship service.
When they arrived at the dorm the girl turned and kissed him! Surprise! He asked if she could give him a biblical approval for it, and she quoted: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (Matthew 7:12).
* * * * *
Gossips have a great sense of rumor.
* * * * *
College Humor:
At the dining hall of Asbury College, Wilmore, Kentucky, there was a large bowl of nice red apples with this notice:
TAKE ONLY ONE, GOD IS WATCHING
At the other end of the food line there was a bin of leftover broken cookies. Some student had scrawled on a piece of notebook paper a notice:
TAKE ALL YOU WANT, GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES
* * * * *
A little school boy was heard reciting the pledge of allegiance to the flag as follows: "I pledge my allowance to the flag of the United States of America."
* * * * *
A little girl asked her mother if the television comedian Red Skelton would go to heaven when he died. She really liked him.
Mother: "Well, I think he will."
Child: "Oh, Momma, won't God laugh?"
* * * * *
Children's Variations of "The Lord's Prayer":
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name.
Or
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Halloween Thy Name.
Lead us not into Penn Station.
Give us this day our jelly bread.
Forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive others their trash baskets.
* * * * *
On a church bulletin board:
TRY OUR SUNDAY SPECIAL -- SOUL FOOD
* * * * *
A teenage boy was watching television when the phone rang. It was his dad.
"Where's your mother?" he asked.
The boy said, "She's out working in the garden."
Dad barked on the phone, "What? Your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be. Why aren't you out there helping her?"
The reply was: "I can't. Grandma is using the other hoe!"
* * * * *
Seen on a T-shirt:
I'M O.K. GOD DOESN'T MAKE JUNK.
* * * * *
A mother heard her small daughter praying one evening. The child began slowly: "Now I lay me down to sleep." There was a pause. Then, "I pray the Lord my soul to keep." Another thoughtful pause: "If I should die before I wake." After a short wait the child excitedly repeated, "If I should die before I wake, Jesus, could we have breakfast together?"
* * * * *
Don't be angry if someone knows more than you. It's not his fault!
* * * * *
From the comic strip Pogo, years ago,
"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
* * * * *
On Being Healthy ...
A medical doctor and a pastor made this compact:
The pastor was to work at keeping the doctor out of Hell.
The medic was to work at keeping the pastor out of Heaven!
* * * * *
Tithing: How God's people supported the church before Bingo came along.
* * * * *
A child complained to Mommy one morning: "Mommy, I have a tummy ache, and I'm so sick."
Mommy said, "Your tummy is empty. If you will eat and put something in it, you'll feel better all over."
The child ate and then said, "I feel better."
Later that morning, the pastor called in the home. After a few remarks the mother left the room to get some coffee.
The pastor confided in the child, "I have a bad headache."
The child said, "That's because your head is empty. You'd feel better if you'd put something in it!"
* * * * *
Are you a Brylcreem Christian? Just a little dab'll do you?
* * * * *
A minister left his card at an unanswered front door, having written on it, "Revelation 3:20."
The following Sunday the woman from that house handed him a card as she left the church. On it she had written, "Genesis 3:10."
* * * * *
A tombstone is the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time!
* * * * *
Evolution (The Monkey's Viewpoint)
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two,
There's a certain rumor that can't be true.
That man descended from our noble race ...
The very idea! It's a dire disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her baby and ruined her life.
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk,
Or, pass them on from one to another,
Till they hardly know who is their mother.
And another thing you'll never see,
A monk build a fence around a coconut tree,
And let the coconuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monks a taste.
Why, if I put a fence around this tree
Starvation would force you to steal from me!
Here's another thing a monk won't do,
Go out at night and get on a stew,
Or use a gun, or a club, or a knife,
To take some other monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
But, Brother, he didn't descend from us!"
* * * * *
Bigotry
We are God's chosen few. All others will be damned. There is no place in Heaven for you. We can't have Heaven crammed. (By Jonathan Swift, satirist)
* * * * *
A minister pulled this boner at a man's funeral: "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, pointing his finger at the casket, "this corpse was a member of the church for twenty years!"
* * * * *
An onion and a carrot went out for a walk on a very cold day. Mr. Onion did not notice how cold it was because he was a hot one. But his friend, Mr. Carrot, got so cold he finally fell down and couldn't go on.
So Mr. Onion called the emergency squad which took Mr. Carrot to the hospital. A doctor looked him over, and then talked with Mr. Onion. He said: "Mr. Carrot will be all right even after all that cold, but I'm telling you, he will always be a vegetable!"
* * * * *
Bishop Herbert Welch of the Methodist Church lived to be 105 years old. In 1972 his friends had a birthday party for him when he was 100 years of age. When he was asked for his words of wisdom, he said, "I have great consolation at passing 100 years. Few people die at 100 years of age!"
* * * * *
A fellow, not a Christian, wondered what all the excitement about Easter had to do with faith in God. So he stayed up all night before; then it dawned on him!
* * * * *
Peter Cartwright, the eccentric Methodist revivalist of the late eighteenth century, was a ready wit for almost any occasion. Once, when he rode in a town, some young men recognized him and decided to have some fun. As Peter tied up his horse to a hitching rail, one of the fellows came to him saying solemnly, "I suppose you have come back for the funeral."
"Whose funeral?" asked Cartwright.
"Why, haven't you heard? The devil is dead!"
"Is that so?" sadly remarked the old circuit rider.
Then he reached into his pocket, drew out a coin, and handed it to the spokesman.
"Why, what is this for?" came the question.
And then Peter said, "My religion has taught me to be kind to orphans!"
* * * * *
After an earthquake that shook things so badly many buildings were leveled, an old man was found in the rubble, sitting in a bath tub, stark naked. He was heard muttering, "I can't believe it! All I did was pull the plug!"
* * * * *
Coffee dunkers' plea:
As you go through life, brother,
Whatever be your goal;
Keep your eye on the doughnut
And not upon the hole."
* * * * *
Remember, credit cards are buy passes.
* * * * *
On communication:
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said; but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
* * * * *
Little boy: Dad, did you go to Sunday School when you were a little boy?
Dad: Why certainly. I never missed a Sunday.
Little boy: Well, it won't do me any good either!
* * * * *
At another Sunday School, a teacher used an acorn to illustrate growth of faith. When finished, the Sunday School Superintendent arose to close the session and said, "We are thankful for the lesson from this nut."
* * * * *
One of the women's liberation advocates asked Bishop Kenneth Goodson, a United Methodist, "Do you still believe in a personal devil?"
He answered, "Yes, and she didn't like it!"
* * * * *
A visiting bishop delivered a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city. Because he wanted to repeat some of his stories the next day, he requested reporters present to omit them from their accounts to the press.
A rookie reporter, commenting on the famous man's speech, finished his report with this line: "And the bishop told a number of stories that cannot be published."
* * * * *
On a hot August day we saw these words on a church bulletin board:
DO YOU THINK IT'S HOT HERE?
* * * * *
On the walls of the Chester Cathedral in England is this bit of anonymous poetry:
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some happiness in life
And pass it on to other folk.
* * * * *
It was a warm day after a rainy one, with puddles here and there. If there is anything messier than a little boy playing in a mud puddle it would be a little girl making mud pies. Her pastor came down the way, saw the child, and spoke to her.
"Betsy, you're pretty dirty, aren't you?"
The little girl stood up and said, "I'm prettier clean!"
(God's redeeming power can take the dirtiest people and make them clean.)
* * * * *
Seen on a T-shirt!
"Please be patient. God isn't through with me yet."
* * * * *
The Sunday School teacher was talking to children about loving God with all your heart. She asked them a question: "Where is your heart?"
All of the children but one put their hands on their chest. That one child put her hand on her back side. The teacher wanted to know why.
"When Grandma comes," the child said, "she pats me back there and says, 'Bless your little heart.' "
* * * * *
Drive carefully. Heaven can wait!
* * * * *
The philosophy of the sweet potato: I YAM WHAT I YAM.
* * * * *
On grace before meals, a preacher asked a lad, "Boy, tell me, do you at your house have prayer before meals?"
Lad: "No, my mom's a good cook!"
* * * * *
Did you hear the joke about the cookie?
"No, tell me."
"Okay. It's crumby."
* * * * *
After a man told his little son about Noah and the ark, the boy asked, "Hey, Dad, why didn't Noah swat those two flies?"
* * * * *
Matrimony is the splice of life.
* * * * *
It was time to read the pastor's appointments at West Ohio Annual Conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church, time about the 1920s. Rev. Henry Cooper had served most of his years in west and northwest Ohio. The bishop read, "Catawba -- Rev. Henry Cooper." There was silence. Then the voice of Henry, "My God, Bishop, where is Catawba?" The congregation burst out with laughter.
* * * * *
It was a hot, humid afternoon wedding. The bridegroom had a time trying to slide the wedding ring on the bride's finger. Seated where she could see everything, the groom's aunt in a loud but hoarse whisper said, "Spit on it, John!"
* * * * *
"I can't sleep!" the preacher's wife told him. "Preach me one of your sermons!"
(reported by Bishop Tutu of South Africa)
* * * * *
How should we pronounce "Appalachia?" Some say it should be said like in the story of Eve leaving the Garden of Eden. She was confronted by the serpent, and is reported to have said: "Get out of my way, Satan, or I'll throw my Appalachia!"
* * * * *
Seen on a church bulletin board:
"Come early for a good back seat!"
* * * * *
A Quaker was reported to have bought a cow with a bad disposition. Sometimes it would kick whoever tried to milk it, or at least upset the bucket.
After one difficult milking time, when the cow both kicked the Quaker and his milk bucket, the Quaker walked around in front of the animal and said: "Cow, thou knowest that I am a peace-loving Quaker. I do not believe in punishing thee for kicking me. But what thou dost not know is that I could sell thee to a Methodist!"
* * * * *
When down in the mouth remember Jonah. He came out all right!
* * * * *
When asked about a picture of some angry mules in his study, the retired pastor said, "That's a picture of my last Official Board!"
* * * * *
Children in a Sunday School class were instructed to write a Bible verse about missions that they could remember. One youngster wrote: "Go into all the world and spread the gossip."
* * * * *
Two dogs watched a couple dance the disco. After a while one turned to the other and said, "If we did that they'd worm us!"
* * * * *
Don't worry if your job is small,
And your rewards are few;
Remember that the mighty oak
Was once a nut like you!
-- Anonymous
* * * * *
Noted for his great sense of humor, Bishop Edwin H. Hughes was about to read the pastor's appointments at a North Indiana Conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church. It was during pre-World War II days.
The large church was packed with intense listeners. Just then, an older man on a front seat gave out a roof-raising sneeze.
The bishop paused, then looking down over his glasses, said, "These appointments are nothing to be sneezed at!"
The congregation roared with laughter.
* * * * *
Another who had a great sense of humor was Dr. Samuel F. Upham of Drew Theological Seminary, Madison, New Jersey. At his deathbed friends and relatives had gathered. Dr. Upham had been an authority on the lives of church martyrs.
The question arose whether Dr. Upham was still living or not. Someone advised, "Feel his feet. No one ever died with warm feet."
Dr. Upham opened one eye and said, "John Hus did!" Then Upham died!
* * * * *
There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly becomes any of us
To talk about the rest of us.
-- Anonymous
* * * * *
A lively Senior Citizen was celebrating his 104th birthday. He was interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked this question: "Sir, to what do you attribute your being able to live so long and still be quite well?"
The Senior Citizen answered, "Well now, I have been taking vitamins and minerals ever since I was 100 years old."
* * * * *
Our fathers have been churchmen
Nineteen hundred years or so;
And to every new proposal,
They have always answered "No!"
-- Anonymous
* * * * *
They tell this one in the hill country of southern Ohio. There was an odd character by the name of Joshua. He had to go to court where the judge asked him, "Are you the Joshua who made the sun stand still?" (Joshua 10:12-13).
His answer was, "No, I'm the Joshua that made the moonshine."
* * * * *
The seminary student walked his date to her dormitory on the adjacent college campus, and felt like he wanted to kiss her goodnight. But he had asked his Bible professor about Romans 16:16: "Greet one another with a holy kiss," only to be told the passage referred to the greeting in a worship service.
When they arrived at the dorm the girl turned and kissed him! Surprise! He asked if she could give him a biblical approval for it, and she quoted: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" (Matthew 7:12).
* * * * *
Gossips have a great sense of rumor.
* * * * *
College Humor:
At the dining hall of Asbury College, Wilmore, Kentucky, there was a large bowl of nice red apples with this notice:
TAKE ONLY ONE, GOD IS WATCHING
At the other end of the food line there was a bin of leftover broken cookies. Some student had scrawled on a piece of notebook paper a notice:
TAKE ALL YOU WANT, GOD IS WATCHING THE APPLES
* * * * *
A little school boy was heard reciting the pledge of allegiance to the flag as follows: "I pledge my allowance to the flag of the United States of America."
* * * * *
A little girl asked her mother if the television comedian Red Skelton would go to heaven when he died. She really liked him.
Mother: "Well, I think he will."
Child: "Oh, Momma, won't God laugh?"
* * * * *
Children's Variations of "The Lord's Prayer":
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name.
Or
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Halloween Thy Name.
Lead us not into Penn Station.
Give us this day our jelly bread.
Forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive others their trash baskets.
* * * * *
On a church bulletin board:
TRY OUR SUNDAY SPECIAL -- SOUL FOOD
* * * * *
A teenage boy was watching television when the phone rang. It was his dad.
"Where's your mother?" he asked.
The boy said, "She's out working in the garden."
Dad barked on the phone, "What? Your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be. Why aren't you out there helping her?"
The reply was: "I can't. Grandma is using the other hoe!"
* * * * *
Seen on a T-shirt:
I'M O.K. GOD DOESN'T MAKE JUNK.
* * * * *
A mother heard her small daughter praying one evening. The child began slowly: "Now I lay me down to sleep." There was a pause. Then, "I pray the Lord my soul to keep." Another thoughtful pause: "If I should die before I wake." After a short wait the child excitedly repeated, "If I should die before I wake, Jesus, could we have breakfast together?"
* * * * *
Don't be angry if someone knows more than you. It's not his fault!
* * * * *
From the comic strip Pogo, years ago,
"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
* * * * *
On Being Healthy ...
A medical doctor and a pastor made this compact:
The pastor was to work at keeping the doctor out of Hell.
The medic was to work at keeping the pastor out of Heaven!
* * * * *
Tithing: How God's people supported the church before Bingo came along.
* * * * *
A child complained to Mommy one morning: "Mommy, I have a tummy ache, and I'm so sick."
Mommy said, "Your tummy is empty. If you will eat and put something in it, you'll feel better all over."
The child ate and then said, "I feel better."
Later that morning, the pastor called in the home. After a few remarks the mother left the room to get some coffee.
The pastor confided in the child, "I have a bad headache."
The child said, "That's because your head is empty. You'd feel better if you'd put something in it!"
* * * * *
Are you a Brylcreem Christian? Just a little dab'll do you?
* * * * *
A minister left his card at an unanswered front door, having written on it, "Revelation 3:20."
The following Sunday the woman from that house handed him a card as she left the church. On it she had written, "Genesis 3:10."
* * * * *
A tombstone is the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time!
* * * * *
Evolution (The Monkey's Viewpoint)
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two,
There's a certain rumor that can't be true.
That man descended from our noble race ...
The very idea! It's a dire disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her baby and ruined her life.
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk,
Or, pass them on from one to another,
Till they hardly know who is their mother.
And another thing you'll never see,
A monk build a fence around a coconut tree,
And let the coconuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monks a taste.
Why, if I put a fence around this tree
Starvation would force you to steal from me!
Here's another thing a monk won't do,
Go out at night and get on a stew,
Or use a gun, or a club, or a knife,
To take some other monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
But, Brother, he didn't descend from us!"
* * * * *
Bigotry
We are God's chosen few. All others will be damned. There is no place in Heaven for you. We can't have Heaven crammed. (By Jonathan Swift, satirist)
* * * * *
A minister pulled this boner at a man's funeral: "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, pointing his finger at the casket, "this corpse was a member of the church for twenty years!"
* * * * *
An onion and a carrot went out for a walk on a very cold day. Mr. Onion did not notice how cold it was because he was a hot one. But his friend, Mr. Carrot, got so cold he finally fell down and couldn't go on.
So Mr. Onion called the emergency squad which took Mr. Carrot to the hospital. A doctor looked him over, and then talked with Mr. Onion. He said: "Mr. Carrot will be all right even after all that cold, but I'm telling you, he will always be a vegetable!"
* * * * *
Bishop Herbert Welch of the Methodist Church lived to be 105 years old. In 1972 his friends had a birthday party for him when he was 100 years of age. When he was asked for his words of wisdom, he said, "I have great consolation at passing 100 years. Few people die at 100 years of age!"
* * * * *
A fellow, not a Christian, wondered what all the excitement about Easter had to do with faith in God. So he stayed up all night before; then it dawned on him!
* * * * *
Peter Cartwright, the eccentric Methodist revivalist of the late eighteenth century, was a ready wit for almost any occasion. Once, when he rode in a town, some young men recognized him and decided to have some fun. As Peter tied up his horse to a hitching rail, one of the fellows came to him saying solemnly, "I suppose you have come back for the funeral."
"Whose funeral?" asked Cartwright.
"Why, haven't you heard? The devil is dead!"
"Is that so?" sadly remarked the old circuit rider.
Then he reached into his pocket, drew out a coin, and handed it to the spokesman.
"Why, what is this for?" came the question.
And then Peter said, "My religion has taught me to be kind to orphans!"
* * * * *
After an earthquake that shook things so badly many buildings were leveled, an old man was found in the rubble, sitting in a bath tub, stark naked. He was heard muttering, "I can't believe it! All I did was pull the plug!"
* * * * *
Coffee dunkers' plea:
As you go through life, brother,
Whatever be your goal;
Keep your eye on the doughnut
And not upon the hole."
* * * * *
Remember, credit cards are buy passes.
* * * * *
On communication:
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said; but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
* * * * *
Little boy: Dad, did you go to Sunday School when you were a little boy?
Dad: Why certainly. I never missed a Sunday.
Little boy: Well, it won't do me any good either!
* * * * *
At another Sunday School, a teacher used an acorn to illustrate growth of faith. When finished, the Sunday School Superintendent arose to close the session and said, "We are thankful for the lesson from this nut."
* * * * *
One of the women's liberation advocates asked Bishop Kenneth Goodson, a United Methodist, "Do you still believe in a personal devil?"
He answered, "Yes, and she didn't like it!"
* * * * *
A visiting bishop delivered a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city. Because he wanted to repeat some of his stories the next day, he requested reporters present to omit them from their accounts to the press.
A rookie reporter, commenting on the famous man's speech, finished his report with this line: "And the bishop told a number of stories that cannot be published."
